Father and I have been having a discussion recently about being treasured. More specifically, I need to KNOW experientially I am treasured.
Knowing is about intimacy. Intimately knowing something from an experiential viewpoint. Experiencing something physically.
For some reason, this is how Father teaches me. It makes me think of kinesthetic learning in the spirit realm. Hard to describe what I have been through over the years. 🤷♀️
There are a few pieces of this puzzle that I will randomly share here. I feel like this post is more for me than it is for the reader…when the readers actually get here. I am doing the post out of obedience…but also, I feel like I need something here…from this post. Not sure what that is. It feels true. I must do the post to move forward for some reason. 🤷♀️
Yesterday morning, Father said to me…it is time to get married.
This thrilled me. I was like…hallelujah. Have no idea what that means to YOU…but I am ready to go…wherever we are going. I told Him…if you are waiting on me…you are spinning your wheels…cuz honey…I was ready yesterday. 😜 I asked Him…what do I need to do and/or say for this to happen. I got nothing. No response. 🤨
Pot of Gold
In a recent post, I shared something I had been saying to Father about the rainbow story. Ya know the one where there is supposed to be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
I said to Him…well…I got to the end of this story…the end of the rainbow and there is NO pot of gold here. Nothing. 😩
His response to me was this…YOU are the pot of gold. Crystal Ann Laura IS the treasure at the end of the rainbow. I am the pot of gold. I am the rainbow. The treasure.
Ok…my response was…glad we agree on that.
After what He has put me through…I should be considered a treasure.
Here is the problem…I don’t FEEL/KNOW experientially that I am treasured. This is a big deal to me. I have zero evidence…proof…in this natural realm that I am treasured.
Logically, I know in my mind that I am the treasure…but He has not convinced me that He KNOWS I am the treasure.
I NEED to physically KNOW I am treasured. Experientially. In this realm. See?
Sealed Heart
It pertains to my heart somehow. I know logically in my mind…He loves and treasures me. Christ died for me. However, my heart has not experienced it here in this world from a natural perspective, so my heart doesn’t know.
My conclusion is…it pertains to the circumcision of the heart. Experiencing the heart being circumcised by the husband. It is a covenant thing. The Bridegroom…High Priest is the one who is to circumcise the heart of His Bride. Circumcise the female. All for it.
I am not sure what we are waiting for here. I keep asking. 🤷♀️
4th Quarter Shift
Another piece of the puzzle is what I mentioned briefly in a previous post. Father saying it was the 4th quarter shift. Not really sure what this means in totality. I have some pieces of understanding.
Something has shifted in our family. We have come to the end of this story…in every way. Moved on in ways. Everyone has made/making other plans apart from Father and this story.
Hannah was telling me yesterday…this was the end of it for her. The first day of the 4th quarter was the end of it for her. The first of October.
We are all ready to move on. Have moved on. With no evidence/proof of anything regarding the promises from Father…we have all come to the end of ourselves and our limit. It feels like unity in the family. Without physical proof of promises…it is time to move in a different direction. I think that is part of the shift for our family.
Covering
Christ is supposed to become the covering for those who enter into a relationship with Him. Unfortunately, many who claim Christ, don’t allow Him to cover them.
It makes me think of people who cover their bodies with tattoos. They are covering their flesh themselves. A picture of man being their own covering.
Most of mankind chooses to be their own covering. They operate out of their flesh instead of dying to their flesh to allow Christ to cover them with His perfect flesh.
This is how I usually describe it. It is like being burned…then undergoing a skin graft/transplant to cover that area. A physical skin transplant is done by using your own skin from another place on your body. Sometimes, pig skin and/or cadaver skin are used to help heal up the burned area.
Spiritually speaking, when you are allowing Christ to cover you with His perfect flesh, your flesh is burned in the purification fire. Then, Father takes a skin graft from Christ’s perfect flesh/skin to cover yours. Over the period of years going through the purification fire, His skin becomes your covering as you go through this process.
It is a cycle. Being burned in patches/parts/areas of your flesh, then grafting His on top of yours. A time of healing. Then more burning…and more transplanting. Until you are covered by His flesh.
Chronic pain. Chronic fire. Excruciating.
Processed
I have been processed. Been through this process. I KNOW this chronic pain experientially. I know my value and worth. This means I do know I am a treasure, and I know the reasons why. There are many reasons. Layers of reasons.
However, my heart has not experienced His love for me in this world. Logically, I know He loves me, yet all I have ever known from Him is pain. Excruciating pain. I have also experienced His healing powers because of His love for me.
The truth is…I am still trapped in a place of darkness regarding His love for me. Still trapped in poverty. Still hidden and unknown.
This morning, I watched a short video of a contractor who hadn’t been paid by the client. I have seen these videos before. It was a bricklayer who did a job but didn’t get paid. His solution…to destroy what he had built. The video was of him and his employee with sledgehammers tearing the job down.
I was telling Father after watching that video…that is exactly how I feel. I got stiffed. Did all this work for all these years…and got nothing at the end. The bill is due, and the client isn’t paying up what I was owed in payment. This is how our family feels.
Treasured
Over the last few days, I have said on repeat…no more words. Action. Don’t want any more words. Visions. Dreams. NONE of that means anything to me. The only thing that matters to me now…is what I experience in this natural realm.
If it is true that I am truly treasured…then I should experience that truth. Since I haven’t…then I don’t believe it. At this point in my life, words matter very little to me. I am all about action…or NOTHING.
I have this dream in my head of getting a job and disappearing online. Every day, it sounds like a much better idea to me than walking this journey any longer.
This morning, I was contemplating the possibilities of a stable job with an actual salary. Dreaming of getting a place of my own. Making my own decisions. Moving on with my life and leaving ALL this behind me in my past.
I am going to end with this. Maybe it would help me move forward. Get me to where I need to go. I keep wishing someone would offer me a leadership job in the administrative field with a certain salary I think I need.
I am over this. My family is over this. There is nothing and no one here. Feeling like it is time for me to go too. 🤷♀️