Father is telling me things are starting to come together for me. Super relieved to hear this. A long time coming. Woohoo! Makes me a very happy camper.
He is saying it…but I am also feeling it. Experiencing that myself…internally and externally…which is even better. 😍
A large majority of the time, I am inadequate and ill-equipped to describe what I am seeing, sensing, feeling, and experiencing. As I have said on repeat for years, I believe people do…for the most part…the best they can with the knowledge they have at the time they have it. That has been my own personal experience in this world. As I gain knowledge and understanding, with conviction of those truths, I can change and do better. I am more equipped to do differently.
My mind is Father’s petri dish. Always growing, breeding, and feeding something in there. Keeps me in a state of bewilderment 24/7.
I live with a constant question mark over my head. Every little bit, I check to see what has changed because it is a guarantee…something will have been moved out and new stuff has rolled in. I have trouble keeping up with the flow at times. 🤷♀️😳🤩
Keeping in Step
In Father’s word, He tells me…I am supposed to keep in step with His Spirit. Walk by truth/Spirit. It is a walk with Him. Following Him wherever He leads His followers. To me…as a visual thinker…that image brings a greater understanding of how this works. To be yoked to Him/with Him…is like two oxen paired together with the yoke over their backs…walking in step. Plowing/working at the same speed…moving in the same direction…listening to Father/the Farmer’s directions.
Easy peasy to understand.
I know in the past I have shared on this blog an example one time Father gave me when I had gotten distracted. Going to share that again here in this post. It is relevant for some reason.
I once asked Him where He went to. He seemed distant to me. I was feeling anxious because He had gotten quiet.
It is like in the Old Testament when the Israelites had NOT noticed Father had left the Temple. He was waiting to see if they noticed His presence had left. Unfortunately, they did not. I do…can’t function without Him. I notice if He is distant with me.
Vision #1
When I asked where He went to…why I wasn’t hearing Him…I saw a vision. Father and I were in a grocery store. I was a little girl standing in the cereal aisle staring at all the colored cereal boxes. I was distracted by the pretty colors, games, and toys inside. Down the aisle to my right…at the end of the aisle…Father was peering around the corner watching me staring at the boxes. He was patiently waiting on me to notice he had moved on. It was time to head into the next aisle.
What He was saying to me was…you have gotten distracted while I kept walking. You must keep your eyes on me. Watch me. When I move…move with me.
He wasn’t mad at me. I wasn’t being a rebellious, disobedient, bratty child. I was being an innocent, immature, distracted child instead.
Vision #2
In another similar situation…again…I noticed he was not there. He was quiet again. I wasn’t feeling Him like I normally do. In place of peace 24/7, I felt anxious. Again…I asked Him…where did you go?
I saw a vision. It was dark out…with just a little light shining in the vision. In front of me was a steppingstone pathway. Ya know the large round steppingstones you put in your garden or as a stone pathway leading somewhere? Those. There were just a few in front of me…maybe three or four…then they took a right hand turn leading to the right. When my eyes adjusted to the darkness and the small amount of lighting, I could see Him. He was standing on a steppingstone ahead of me and to the right. He was standing there looking at me. Waiting on me to see He had stepped ahead and to the right.
He was reminding me in both situations…keep your eyes on Me.
Following Him means to…literally follow Him. Step by step.
This is how I live. He tells me the next step I take…24/7 moment by moment…step by step. I keep in step with His Spirit. I walk with the moon…the lesser light…under my feet. Holy Spirit is my guide by night and the sun/Son/Christ/the greater light is my guide by day.
This isn’t merely walking daily in a physical sense…it is also my thoughts and feelings following Him 24/7. My mind and my heart…what is contained within…follow His lead. Christ is the Head I submit my thoughts and feelings to.
Temple
My body is His Temple He built with His hands so He can reside in it. He has been covering it for years…little by little with His perfect flesh so I can hold His truth. Him.
Not an easy life to live for me. This has meant pulling out the lies and deception within to replace them with His truth. Painful on so many levels. Beyond man’s comprehension.
I say this again…because I feel led to say this again. 🤷♀️
Typing up these posts at times…can be excruciating for me mentally. Also, taxing and exhausting physically as I try to put the multitude of thoughts into some kind of order to be understood by the reader.
It is like popping popcorn. The kernel represents a thought. The kernels pop into my mind. Now I have a large pan of them, and I have to put them in some kind of order that makes sense to people. They don’t come in order and are not numbered. I must do the work to put them in the right order…following Holy Spirit through that darkness. I can’t see where to go without Him.
It is a labor of love. Just sayin’.
Squirrels
At times, I have to include little squirrels I see and/or rabbit trails that seem random and unimportant to me. How in the world do I fit them in? Where do I put them? What order? How do I transition from one thought to another? I wonder why I am even including the squirrels…they seem so unimportant to me. For some unknown reason to Father…they are important.
I need Him to fix my issues regarding including the squirrels and rabbit trails. It is driving me a bit batty. Not sure what my problem is/problems are here regarding this matter.
Ok…so let’s do this squirrel.
Military
I have had a fascination with the military for oodles of years. Looking back, I would say it started when my oldest brother joined the Air Force. I remember the day he was called into Desert Storm. He called me while I was at work to tell me he was heading overseas.
When I got off the phone with him, I broke down. Lost it. Was an emotional mess. Super afraid I would lose him. My boss was a gem that day. She said to me…go home. Take the rest of the day off and pull yourself together. I did.
Then years later my younger brother entered the Air Force.
As the kids were growing up, I read them books about our history as a nation which included battles…especially the American Revolution. I have taken my kids to battlefields as field trips. We have toured a nuclear submarine. Been to a couple of military bases and to a naval academy.
I once read a book to the kids which was a compilation of many medals of honor recipients. Fascinating book with many riveting stories in them.
As a result of all of the above, Mr. Mitchell Man became interested in all things military. He once considered joining…that was NOT Father’s plan for him…physically. He was to join Father’s military…not man’s. We are working his way to Father’s plans here. 😜
Stories
Growing up, Mitchell got involved in Airsoft. LOVED that hobby. I drove that boy to Nashville on repeat with his friends so they could play in bigger places. He did local battles along with longer drives to battle in other states. It was a thing for him for years. Went to a battle in Georgia or somewhere down South for a weekend last year sometime with his buddies.
Mitchell has LOTS of military stories in his head. At Archer’s birthday party the other night, he was telling us all about a new book he is reading about some old Spanish battle with some other nation. Can’t remember the details. 🤷♀️ Some were graphic. 😂
He listens to podcasts and follows YouTubers who are into that kind of thing too. A few years ago, he sold me on a YouTuber who shared military stories. Fascinating stuff. As a result, military stuff pops up on my newsfeed at times. I recently watched a video on sonar in subs.
Clarification
Before I mention sonar…I want to make a clarification here. In the past on this blog…and in the future on this blog…you will see and hear how I LOATHE idolization of all things. That includes man’s idolization of the military, soldiers, and the nation of America.
I have a great appreciation for soldiers…military…and this nation I call home. I see great value in each of these nouns. Father created them all. HE created them…not to be idolized. He wants man to idolize Him…the Creator not the created.
It is the same with sports. I can see value in sports. My kids played in community sports when they were younger. I had zero desire to get them in anything that was a competition. However, I saw value in some of the concepts contained within sports. There is some positivity in sports…however, mostly negative because of man. I hate the enslavement man has turned it into. It is unfortunate. Sad to see.
I am the same regarding any topic. I see value in all nouns Father has created. What I loathe is the idolization of the nouns Father has created.
I want that to be Crystal Clear here on this blog. When I speak of things…I am not being wishy washy here about these matters. It isn’t the nouns I hate…it is the heart of disobedience behind those nouns I hate. Man’s flesh can take something good and/or decent and ruin it…in an instant. 🤷♀️
Back to sonar.
Sonar Pings
This sounds crazy…but feels true. My brain is like a ship sending sonar pings out. Then I wait for the feedback…to see what data I can get from the echo.
So…I ask Father/Christ/Holy Spirit a question…out there in the dark spaces of the deep ocean…the spirit realm. I then listen and wait to see if I get an echo back. Feedback from His Spirit. If I do, then I have to take the incoming data to process, filter, file, store, graph, and react to on my radar screen. I am always listening (ears to hear) and watching the radar screen (eyes to see.)
Feeling the same way on this blog. I send out words…as sonar pings…waiting and watching to see if I get an echo…feedback from people out there. Is there anybody out there? 😂 I am knocking on the computer screen…are you there??? 👀 Anybody??? Anybody there??? I don’t hear an echo. 👂 Nothing on my radar yet. No signs of life at all. Still hidden here on my little space on the web. 😂
I also say my mind is like a hub on a bicycle wheel. It has all these spokes connected to it…going in all different directions while spinning round and round at the same time. Like the wheel of fortune with all these money values on each spin. The money is spiritual. No physical greenbacks here. Where are the greenbacks??? 🤔
Trying to keep in step with this makes me a bit batty at times. Lots of data to send out, retrieve, sort through, process, and deal with…24/7. 😳
So…now ya know about that little piece of this puzzle.
Connections
Father uses signs…little flags…pins to pin to my soul board and my spirit board. I am always looking, listening, and paying attention to anything and everything. It is part of following Him.
Sunday morning, He woke me up with the song lyrics of Eric Carmen’s song Make Me Lose Control. For some reason, I was convinced I was hearing a Jeff Healy song.
When I was searching online, Teddy Swims’ song came up. That was an important step. I had to go there first. Then Eric Carmen. When I pulled up Teddy’s song on iMusic, the word therapy caught my attention. It was a pin.
Didn’t know to what yet…but I knew it was a sign, flag, or pin for later. A puzzle piece in some kind of picture Father was building in me. Part of the story.
I took note of it, then moved on. This is how I roll. Everything is always connected even when it seems random. Each of these songs are connected. Important in their own place to the last few days.
Coming Together
Father is bringing things together for me in a multitude of ways…layers. On a larger scale and on a smaller scale. Macro and micro. Generalized and very detailed and specific. I like it. Feels good. We are coming to a head here.
It is like a mathematical story problem is coming to the conclusion. We have been busy adding, subtracting, multiplying, and dividing…doing very complicated math problems. The whole thing is in a bracket…with some pieces in parentheses. Super complex. Hurts my little pea brain…for real.
Going to share tidbits of the story problem in the rest of this blog.
The summary is very short. Father and I have been working together to get the adult children to the places I need them to be so I can move on to the next step in my life. Also, I need to get to a certain place of seeing my own value and worth from HIS perspective…seeing myself through His eyes. How He sees me instead of the self-destructive mindset I used to be enslaved by.
We have been building horizontally like a complicated algebra problem. Building vertically toward Heaven. I have also been every which way like spokes on a wheel. Lots of sonar pings here going out for years. Sending out and taking in the data that returns and responding to it to build with Him.
We have also been building in individuals, plural in pairs, and plural in groups.
Transformation Specialist
Everyday…since I started working on the post Transformation Specialist…and everyday since then…I have known intimately…that was significant for me. A multitude of reasons for that. Too many to type up. It is pinned in my brain right in front. At the top. It is immovable.
Part of the purpose of that post was for me to see to a greater degree my own value and worth. To see what Father sees. He sees I AM the Transformation Specialist. Before I wrote that post…I am not sure I was sold 100% this was true about me.
In another post, I shared how recently our family did some deep digging relationally. I am going to share some tidbits about that as we go along here. It helped me connect some dots. It aided greatly in my kiddos getting to where they needed to be so I can move forward here. I know for me; it brought great security and stability to my world.
Going to get really personal here. Into the nitty gritty about issues we dealt with. How. What was discussed. Conclusions and solutions reached.
In addition, I am going to share a tidbit or two of some conclusions I reached about myself…with Father’s help. Each of the pieces I share moving forward here…are fractions of a whole. Parts of the equation that helped me to reach conclusions of my own value and worth. All important pieces of the puzzle/story.
First up on the list is Mama Nessa…Vanessa.
Value
I am including two screenshots of a recent convo between us. She was voluntarily giving me feedback on a couple of posts. Much appreciated. Love positive unsolicited feedback.
Vanessa sees my value and worth. Father’s Spirit put it in her…to see Father in me. Her heart has been 100% sold out for me for years. No sassing me. She saw that I could transform her life in positive ways. As a result, she…with great hunger and thirst…has consumed every single morsel of food and drink I have given to her.
She removed her fleshly shitty waste…and added the truths I taught her to become a radically different person. All positive. She added value to herself by doing exactly what I taught her to do.
24/7 she has had me as her personal coach. Complete access to me at all times. I have generously poured me out into her.
Trust
Over the years, we have built an amazing partnership between us. Vanessa knows experientially I have her back. She has my heart. I have proven to her I only want what is best for her. Even if I instruct her to do something painful…she knows it is the right thing to do, or I wouldn’t direct her in that way.
Over the years, I have learned, Vanessa has my back. I can trust her 100% with anything and everything. She will fight to her death for me. That is truth. I have her heart. Her heart is for me. She has proven that to me over and over again. We have both told Donovan at times…don’t make us choose you over each other because we will choose each other over you. We follow Father…together. Father has yoked Vanessa and I together and we step in unity as we walk with Him.
The fact she was willing to sacrifice my son…her husband for me proved to me…her heart is mine. I am merely a picture of Father. That means her heart belongs to Father 100%. She would choose Father over her husband.
Father First
That is what we are supposed to do. No one is to come between Father and the individual.
This is why Father tested Abraham by asking him to sacrifice Isaac. Isaac was the heir to the promise. He was Abraham’s greatest “possession.” Father needed Abraham to see…in his heart…Father came first. Even over his beloved son…the son he waited oodles of years to possess. The son who would carry the seed of the promise…our Messiah. Isaac was a big deal to Abraham on a multitude of levels.
Father wants our hearts fully committed to Him…over the people we “love” the most in this world.
I know Vanessa is fully committed to Father and I. She has been a great asset to me. A gift from Father in aiding me in my understanding of who He created me to be. She has been my biggest, loudest, and strongest cheerleader right up front and in my face. 😂 Could write volumes on her alone.
Greatly appreciate her. I trust her completely. Feels good.
Donovan
He and I have come to a really sweet, sweet place finally. It has taken years of hard work to get here…but we are here. I am celebrating. These past seven years have been difficult for Donovan to process.
One…he has been angry at Father for putting me through what He has. It has seemed wrong to him. This season has defied all logic in the natural realm. Donovan is my mini-me. We are left brain dominant. Logic, reasoning, and critical thinking are super important to left-brain dominant people.
I know his struggle. I lived it myself. It was part of the battle as I had to kill the flesh in those areas. Donovan had to kill the flesh too.
Two and three…Donovan was angry at me for making the decisions I was making by choosing to follow Father in this craziness…and he was angry at Vanessa for following along. 😳
While I was in my own battle, I had to battle Donovan…for Donovan’s soul…his heart. While that was happening…Vanessa and Donovan were battling about it. Vanessa was also fighting Donovan for Donovan’s heart and his soul. At the same time, I was dealing with my own stuff…I had to help Vanessa with her stuff…plus her stuff with Donovan…plus my stuff connected to them. I had to help Donovan with his stuff…plus his stuff with Vanessa…plus his stuff with me…plus his stuff with Vanessa and me.
See the complexities here? Lots of things coming together as we are adding, subtracting, multiplying, and dividing.
Donovan and I finally came together. It was an arduous battle. 😂
Mr. Mitchell Man
Next in line is Mitchell. His struggles were much the same as Donovan’s with me and this situation. Mitchell is more sensitive so his were slightly different. I have included a screenshot of a recent convo between Donovan and I about Mitchell and our family digging deep weekend. You will also see…part of that convo includes our discussion of Mitchell’s perception of manhood.
I didn’t include the whole convo. When I sent Donovan the first text about this…it was a novel. For real. A long text laying all my thoughts out…along with my heart about a concern I had. Since I know my son hates long novels, I told him I was sending it because I wanted to have a convo with him soon. I was giving him the text so he could chew and stew on it all without having to be put on the spot.
I wanted him to meditate on it. Didn’t want short, quick answers that were shallow in nature. To my surprise, he sent me a long novel back. It was great!!!! 😂 So proud of my son for being so wordy…and in a text. Look at my son go!!! Growth of epic proportions. Love it. 😍
What is even better…everything he said was wisdom. Incredible. Super thrilled about how much he has grown, matured, and changed in Christ over the years.
Here is a short conclusion from this. I can leave Mitchell in Donovan’s hands. When Donovan moved to Colorado a few years ago, I called him up and asked him if he would invest in Mitchell. To help him become a man. Mentor him. Coach him.
He said yes…I will do that Mom. He has been. It has been an enormous help to Mitchell and blessed this Momma beyond measure.
The Problem
Here is how and why the digging deep weekend started. It is all connected. We have no secrets in our family. If you have a problem…it is all of our problem. We work together to deal with our shit. That being said…it is complicated. Going to try and keep it as simple as possible.
One…I am tired of not having a place of my own. Tired of living this way. Father made me become homeless years ago. Most of that time, He has had me living with my adult children in order to continue investing in them. To help bring them to maturity. Clean up their issues in both soul and spirit. Ok…I see the value in that. Not pleased with the methods. Have hated having to sacrifice my entire life to be put in this place to serve others as I have. I have given all…for all. Mostly…only to get resistance in return.
Two…speaking of resistance…Hannah. Hannah is a picture of the Bride of Christ. Wow…hard hearted and hardheaded. Self-centered. Selfish. Going to do it Her/their own way.
For years, I have selflessly poured into her. What she has done is take…for her own gain. It has always been all about her. She wants what she wants. So even when she is giving, and it has the appearance of good…it is bad because she is giving to get for her own gain and glory. Think Christianity. All these false prophets and apostle giving themselves titles and positions for their own glory and gain. Taking the gifts Father has given them…and using them for themselves. The appearance of following Him and giving to Him but stealing instead.
Signs
Father says in His word…watch for the signs. Not just of Christ’s return…but all signs. There are signs for every little thing in this world if you have the eyes to see, the ears to hear, a heart to know, and a mind to understand. I am always paying attention to the signs all around me.
On repeat, I had asked Hannah to pull up and over to the left in the driveway. She was parking her car near the end and in the middle. No one could pull into the driveway that should be able to comfortably park four vehicles in. It was laziness. Inconsiderate.
When I was borrowing Mitchell’s truck…my old Colorado, I either couldn’t pull into the driveway at all because she was parked in the middle blocking the whole thing…or I had to make a super sharp right turn to avoid hitting the right side of the end of her car trying to get into the driveway.
I am back to being without a vehicle again…but Father wanted us to deal with an issue here. It helped to get everyone in the right position. What the enemy means for bad…our family converts to good.
When this started, I had returned to Hannah’s and could not get in the driveway at all. The car was at the end and right in the middle.
I came in the house, got her car keys, and moved the car myself.
Disobedience
I informed her I was done. So over her disobedient heart. She couldn’t understand why I wasn’t being “patient” over something so small.
What she wasn’t understanding was…I have been “patient” for years with her disobedient heart. Father and I were over it. It is a very small thing to ask of someone to pull up 10-20 ft and over 4-5 feet when pulling into the driveway. Her disobedience and unwillingness to do that was a sign of much deeper heart issues. Too many to list here. Dishonor. Disrespect. A lack of consideration and care for another human being. Selfishness. Rebellion. Pride. Arrogance. Laziness. Lack of gratitude. Control issues. Etc.
This is one small thing on a list of a gazillion over the years. Like the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I told her…I have poured into you for years now. Can’t change your heart. Can’t change your mind. Not my circus…not my monkeys…but I am getting out of this house. Not investing in you any longer. D.O.N.E. Not stealing from me anymore.
Phone Call
Later, I decided to call Bobbi and Mitchell. I had a plan…wanted to see if they would get on board with it.
I didn’t want to live with Bobbi and Mitchell again. That didn’t feel right to me. What I was willing to do though was live in the truck. I was that desperate to get out of Hannah’s presence. My thoughts…I have an arctic sleeping bag. I will park the truck in their fenced in backyard. Sleep in the truck. When I need the restroom, I can go in the camper or the house. Seemed like a great plan to me. I figured…I am already homeless…why not go a little lower and live in the truck. 🛻🤷♀️
I call and talk to Bobbi. She is my first step. If she instantly says no…I will know it is Father. I trust Bobbi to hear from Father. She is always spot on accurate. Never been wrong. She didn’t say no on the phone. She was going to speak to Mitchell and get back to me.
When she spoke to Mitchell…she felt like Father was telling her to leave the decision up to Mitchell. To support whatever he did.
Then Mitchell calls me later. He was short with me on the phone. Gave me a solid no with a reason why.
I could tell he was not happy with me. I said ok…hung up the phone.
Coming Together
As the day progressed, Donovan and Vanessa got involved as Mitchell and Bobbi were consulting with them.
One of Mitchell’s issues with this whole thing is he has felt used by me. Donovan helped walk him through this issue. Donovan also felt used. What he learned was Father was using him to help me. Father is using Mitchell to help me. This is what family does for one another. They help each other carry their burdens. It is part of maturity in Father’s family.
Something else Donovan shared with Mitchell was that he doesn’t regret ever having me live with them…or helping me. He learned along the way that I was helping them while they were helping me. It was this beautiful interconnection as we came together to share one another’s burdens. Donovan knows he and Vanessa are better people and as a couple because of what I have contributed to their lives. They wouldn’t have gotten to those places in themselves without me living with them.
When Donovan helped Mitchell to see and understand…Mitchell got to a better place. Understanding truth is key.
Bobbi
As I have said on repeat, I love Bobbilicious. She is delicious to consume. She is a walking miracle…for real. Her and her siblings were all adopted as babies. I am not sure how she came out of that household as intact as she did. It is like Father encased her in a bubble and protected her heart and mind all those years. I marvel at her maturity…and at her age. It is incredible. Truly a divine thing.
One issue I have had with Bobbi…my issue…was that I wasn’t sure how much I could trust her. I know her…but not like I know Vanessa. Bobbi and I haven’t been as intimate as Vanessa and I have been over the years. I kept thinking Bobbi was harder to get to know.
After going through our weekend, I learned what that was all about.
Father taught me…Bobbi’s first person of intimacy is with Mr. Mitchell Man. Her husband. As it should be. THEN her second person of intimacy is Vanessa. When Bobbi has something she needs to process…she first goes to Mitchell. If she needs to process further…it is Vanessa she shares with. By the time I get to talk to her…she is all processed out…unless Vanessa couldn’t help.
That made perfect sense to me. Super thrilled for Bobbi, Mitchell, and Vanessa about what they have built there. Brings me great joy to watch them all interacting together. Does my heart good. I had a huge hand in that.
Service
In addition to learning this, Father shared with me while I was living with Bobbi and Mitchell…I wasn’t living there to get to know Bobbi. I was living there so Bobbi could get to know me intimately and serve me.
That happened. Played out just as He has said. Bobbi had to sit for hours at times listening to me process. I have felt sorry for all of the people in my life who had to sit and listen to me process. 😂 Felt sorry for myself for having to process and also listen to me process. 😜
Ok…so all of this made sense…felt good to me. BUT…I was still struggling with the issue of her heart. I wasn’t a 100% sold on where her heart was at…regarding me. With Vanessa…I know I have her heart, and she has mine. We have each other’s back. My question was…what about Bobbi.
I got to find out. So very beautiful.
Disconnection
After Bobbi and Mitchell met with Donovan and Vanessa, they decided to call and talk to me.
I am more of a techno tard than a techno geek with all this Apple stuff. Did great with Windows and my droid…Apple is a different ballgame here.
Bobbi tried to call me as a FaceTime call. I didn’t know that because the screen on my phone was asking if I wanted to connect to my Mac. I was so confused as to why it would be sounding like a phone call but wanting to connect to my Mac. So, I hit disconnect. Then it shows a missed call from Bobbi. My thought was…maybe it was a butt dial. I put the phone down and dismissed it.
Then…my phone does it again. I hit disconnect again. This time it shows a missed call from Mitchell.
Ok…now I am thinking…maybe they were trying to call me as a FaceTime call…still not understanding why it would be trying to connect to my Mac. It didn’t give me any other option on the screen.
I thought about calling them back. However, several problems there. One…I am in bed in a dark room. They couldn’t see me. No point in doing FaceTime. Had no plans on getting up and turning the light on. 🤷♀️
Two…I am naked. I sleep in the nude. Hate wearing clothes to bed. Don’t want the irritation of lumps and bumps and being wrapped up in clothing. Not for me.
My son doesn’t want to see me naked and I don’t want him to see me naked. 😂
Heart Matters
The third problem…I had no words about the matter. Didn’t want to talk to my son. I was completely over the issues in his heart toward me and helping me.
Mitchell has helped me greatly over this time period…but he did so out of obligation…not out of love. Big difference. I want the heart. Father wants his heart. He has been super selfish at times because of his irritation with Father. He too, hasn’t understood why Father would put me through what He has. Mitchell hasn’t been in agreement with it.
I haven’t either…but I have obeyed out of love. Part of the time, I merely obeyed to get out of the situation. I get where my sons’ have been coming from in their frustration with Father and I. However, I have expected them to use the tools I have given them to move forward in growth and maturity to move past those issues. To get the truth and get free.
Mitchell’s lack of completion in this area this time was another straw that broke the camel’s back for me. I want my son to purify his heart…to serve and obey Father and I out of love.
We are getting there. It is taking Bobbi, Donovan, Vanessa, and myself to get him there, but he is getting there.
Warrior
Since I didn’t answer the phone, Bobbi drove over to Hannah’s to talk to me. I can’t remember what time of the night it was. LATE. Mitchell had to head to work. He couldn’t come with her. What they did instead was…Bobbi and Little Miss Mavis Joy drove over and then Mitchell called so we could have a discussion…the three of us.
Now…a key piece of this is the time of night. I am in bed. This is past bedtime for my granddaughter.
When Bobbi gets here…she doesn’t even knock on my door. She opens the door and flips the light on. The look on her face was of a determined woman. A warrior ready to do battle. 😂 She wasn’t taking any shit. We were going to have a discussion…come Hell or high water.
Another key piece of information here is that Bobbi is someone who used to avoid conflict.
Not anymore. She has really grown into her womanhood.
We had a great discussion between the three of us. I feel good about where Mitchell has gotten to in his soul and spirit. He is going to be ok.
Respect
What happened for me with Bobbi is that my respect for her shot up…greatly. Through the roof. I see the warrior inside of her now. She was willing to fight me…for me. She proved to me that night…she sees my value and worth. Bobbi wasn’t willing to lose me. To lose her relationship with me.
Why? Because she loves me, respects me, and sees my value and worth in her life.
I know now…I can trust her with my heart. With my life. She has proven that by her actions. It took guts, courage, bravery, boldness, fortitude, respect, honor, care, consideration, love, and a whole lot of good character traits to drive over here not knowing how I would respond. That was a brave warrior fighting me to love me. That woman has my back. She has my heart.
Wow. 🤯
That is exactly what Vanessa would do. High respect for someone like that.
This is the exact kind of heart I wanted and needed from a husband. Could never get that. 😂 I told my ex that…I need you to fight me for me at times. A woman needs to know her man is willing to fight for her. Lay down his life and die for her. That also means laying his life down by fighting himself for her. Dying to his selfish flesh for her. Fighting her when she is saying no…leave me alone.
Value and Worth
I always wanted a husband to show me he KNEW my value and worth. That I was greater than him. That is Christ folks. He did that for His Bride. Still doing that for Her. Christ has been fighting me these last seven years for me…for His Bride. He has kept me in this crazy life, so I can set His Bride free. That is love. Deep love.
Love for me. Love for Her. Beautiful if you ask me.
During this time, Christ has made me more valuable as a human being because I have subtracted me and added Him. He is the one with the high value and worth. Not man. Our flesh is worth less. Negative in value.
Man doesn’t like to hear that, but it is true.
Post Review
Saturday night when I crawled in bed, Father gave me the instructions for Sunday. He had 15 blog posts He wanted me to reread. 🤦♀️
Not happy about that. Didn’t want to go back and reread old posts. I told Him…I am a visionary thinker. A pioneer. A forward thinker. Not interested in going backward here. He reminded me of how important it is to study our past. To look at our backtrail. Man…I say that a lot. He was right. Got me there.
Then I said to Him…I hate the thought of seeing mistakes I made.
His response was…you will see what you did right. WOW…ok…like the sound of that. 100% on board with that. Sign me up!!! 😂
Sunday
I spent the entire day reading those posts. Many of them were LONG. I am a wordy girl. 🤔
It was building something in me. Helping me to see what I have done right over the years. I began to see…I really am the Transformation Specialist. This ole gal has produced a lot of good fruit over the years…even though very few know that intimately. I am still hidden from view.
When I crawled into bed that night, I couldn’t sleep. My mind was full of the day’s incoming information. Father and I were discussing a lot of it while I was snuggled up in my blankets.
I don’t know what time it was…LATE. I hear what I think is a very soft knock on the door. Was thinking maybe I was hearing things. But…I say…hello?? It was Hannah…very softly asking if I was awake.
Now…we had been living together but I made it clear…don’t speak to me. Just leave me alone and let me be. I will move out of here as fast as I possibly can. She had been for the most part…respecting that boundary.
So…I say yes, I am awake. She comes in. She is crying and wants to hold my hand.
I give her my hand and through tears she tells me that she was sorry. Apologized for not seeing my value and worth. For not being grateful. She proceeds to tell me that she realized what she was searching for was me. What she wanted was my heart.
My heart is the treasure.
I told her…you are saying all the right words…so we shall see…cuz I need actions that back those words up. I need obedience out of love.
Love
What Father wants is our hearts. He wants us to be 100% fully committed to Him in our hearts. To obey Him out of love. For us to follow Him and obey Him no matter what He asks of us…because we love Him. To serve Him even in the smallest acts of service out of love. When those acts seem inconsequential. To have no value.
To obey no matter what it costs us. Obey with no motives to get in return. To merely serve Him because we love Him. His heart is the treasure. He is the gift. His heart.
If we don’t obey in the smallest of details…we shouldn’t expect Him to give us authority in greater matters. He needs to be able to trust us in the smallest and minutest of details. We have to prove to Him we are trustworthy. He has our hearts. We have His back.
He doesn’t NEED your service. Doesn’t need your money. Your sacrifices. What He wants is your heart. All of it. It is all about love. A heart full and overflowing of love for Him. A heart so full of gratitude for what He has done for you…you serve Him…no matter what it costs you. He is worth it. Father wants to KNOW you KNOW His value and worth. He already KNOWS His own value and worth.
King David
I have included a screenshot of a recent text I sent Bobbi and Vanessa. It makes me think of the lyrics in Eric Carmen’s song Make Me Lose Control. It also makes me think of King David when he was old and cold. He couldn’t get warm, so they had Abishag…a young woman to snuggle with him to help keep him warm.
What a weird job to have, heh? What young woman wants to snuggle up with a man who is old and cold and can’t get warm? Not me. Hell…I need someone to do that for me. 😂 I struggle to keep warm myself.
The other thought I had about this…if that is the job Father gave her…then she should do it for Him…out of love. This young woman is a picture of a woman serving her king out of love.
That is how we should serve Father/Christ/Holy Spirit. Obey whatever they tell us to do…with joy…out of love. Even if we are doing it mad…do it anyway out of a mad love. That is what He wants. For us to love Him madly. 🤩😍
Therapy
One of the things I told Hannah Sunday night…my parents forced our family to try therapy. It didn’t end well. Even at that young age, I knew that was bullshit. Made my thoughts and feelings Crystal Clear about that even as a child. Wasn’t forced to do that long.
When I came to Christ…I knew intimately and experientially no man had the answers for me. That included Christians…because I had been in that system as a child too.
The only one who had the solution for my problems was Father/Son/Spirit. Intimacy was the Way for me. Becoming a beggar begging for answers. As a result, He gave them to me. Fixed my issues as I co-labored with Him to fix my bad broken self.
I explained to Hannah…I have the answers for you…and all your problems…but you have to have a heart to bow, submit, and obey. If you don’t obey…can’t help you. Your obedience…is PROOF of your love.
This is why Father says in His word…if you love me…you will obey me. Those that obey me…love me. You don’t need to tell Him you love Him…if you obey Him…He will KNOW you love Him.
To say you love Him, yet you disobey His commands…means you are a liar. Much like in relationships today. Many say the words I love you to their partners…but they refuse to lay their life down for their partner. That isn’t love. That is being selfish…and a liar.
Paid Any Price
Hannah and I were up until 1:30 Sunday night. I shared with her…when I was her age…I would have paid any price to have this me in my life at that time. I was so desperate to have help. Desperate to know what I know now. I NEEDED answers to my problems. The old version of me was toxic. I would have done anything to have someone like me to help me. I knew I needed help.
For years, I have worked my little fanny off to become the woman I am. I begged for the answers to my questions. Begged Father for the solutions to my problems. No man can say they made me. I did that. Father/Christ/Holy Spirit and Crystal Ann made me the woman I am today.
I do have the answers. He gave them to me. If you want transformed…all you have to do is follow me. Obey. Do whatever it is I tell you to do. LIFE will fall into place. Blessings will follow.
The greatest blessing out of all of them is the gift of loving self. Discovering while removing your own bad flesh…you gain Christ…who is love. The greatest gift of all. Priceless in value and worth.
Togetherness
I am going to finish this up as I am listening to Steven Tyler in my earbuds singing Come Together. Our little family is coming together quite nicely. Beautiful partnerships have been built at different levels and layers. Lots of greatness intertwined in our relationships. Proud of the work I have done with this family. Proud of the work each of these children of mine have done. Going to be super proud to see them continue to grow closer to Christ and in their intimacy with Him as they age and mature in all three bodies.
Myself…I have come to a beautiful place of understanding my interdependency on Christ. He needs me. He needs me to birth a nation. To birth His Bride and raise Her up with the knowledge and understanding of His great love for Her.
I need Him. I need Him to provide for me. In all ways. Especially my physical needs. I believe He is going to provide for my physical needs somehow. Mr. Mitchell Man needed the truck back since his car needs some repairs. I need a vehicle…a home…money…etc. Goodness…I am a woman in great need. 😂
It is all coming together though. I believe it.
🥰💜