When I asked Father why I was titling this post Deborah, He responded with the truth…He has been laying down the law in my life for years. 😂 So true. He sure has been. Can’t count the number of spankings I received in the last 30-plus years. You would think I would be sore about it. However, His correction or spankings make me feel loved. I am tough. I can handle the discipline. All good here. The whoopings are done out of love. I earned every one of them. 😳🤦♀️
Recently, Father had me purchase a couple more items to be prophetic symbols in the story of my life. One was the gavel you see above. Since I am a prophetic picture of Deborah the judge…I needed my gavel. Before I could teach the law to the people, I had to know it, understand it, obey it, and live it. Gotta get to know Him and His commands intimately. Inside and out so to speak.
I think of the servant leadership mindset…a statement I live daily. I am not asking you to do something I haven’t already done. When I ask you to walk through your pain and/or do hard things, I have already walked that road myself. This ole gal isn’t going to ask you to do anything I haven’t already lived through. I get you. One of the comments Father said to me years ago was this…it makes you relatable.
*Sigh.* I can honestly say that wasn’t a concept I was striving to achieve in this lifetime. 😉 Always His way though. 🤷♀️
Flying
On a positive note in my world, one of the visions I saw this morning was of me flying. I was flying this airplane, and I was taking off. The airplane was lifting off the runway and flying away. Made me want to whoop and holler. At some point in time, I am going to take off. Can’t be soon enough in my book. Tired of waiting.
Yesterday, I was feeling like Secretariat again. Needing to run my race. Saw a vision of the white horse in Revelation 19. Me. I was running, and my beautiful white mane was flying/flowing.
Hannah saw the legs of the white horse. She said they were really muscular, and the hooves were at the starting gate prancing in anticipation for the race to start.
Loved it. Sign me up. 🆙 ⬆️ 🔝 👆🏻 😍 🐎 🛫 Up, Up, and Away I go!!! Can you tell I might be a tad bit excited about this idea??? 🙃
I was also Dash on The Incredibles…wanting to run as fast as I could run. 😂 My skinny little legs are primed and ready to run! 🏃
Itching to go. To do. To be. Ready to take flight here!!!!
Day Planner
Another item Father had me purchase was a day planner. Let’s talk about that a minute before I get into the meat of this fun post.
Just about everything I do is inverted from the normal way man does things. A more appropriate title for my planner is Tracker. For oodles of years now, I merely follow where He leads me. I don’t get to plan my life out like the average Joe does. He has His own plans for me. I follow.
For years, I have used planners to merely track my daily activities. Don’t ask me why I track them. I haven’t a clue. In part, I think it stems from my grandpa. He tracked every shot he took while hunting. How many bullets he used, how many critters he killed, etc. I have piles of his little tracker notebooks. Little treasures in my heart. ♥️
When I entered Hell back in 2017, I stopped using my tracker system. I was barely functioning. Breathing was a difficult task for me. Wasn’t sure I was going to make it to the next day…that lasted pretty intensely for a solid five years. Then it began to get easier to breathe and function…until I finally finished the seven-year prison sentence. All good now.
Plans
When He started to put the planner in my mind to purchase, I was skeptical. Seriously skeptical. Vanessa and I talked about it…cuz as always…I didn’t want to spend the money if I wasn’t 100% convinced He was saying make the purchase. As I say on repeat, He is the spender. I am the saver in this relationship. Tired of spending money I don’t have. This concept goes against every fiber of my being. A boundary He is always blowing through to kill my flesh. 🤨
Vanessa’s response to our discussion of the planner was the exact same as mine. Skeptical He would let me use it. 😂
Finally, I purchased the thing. I obeyed. When it was delivered, boy oh boy was I glad I spent His money on it. 😂 She is a beaut. LOVE the leather smell. I take a sniff every single day. Not kidding. Hannah laughs at me.
Two smells I absolutely love. Leather and cut wood/sawdust. So very strange don’t ya think? I think so. I am a weird girl…for sure. 🤪
The stitching on the leather planner is done so very well. Super impressed with the skills. Very happy with my tracker. He has plans for me!!!!
BUT WAIT THERE IS MORE!!!!!!!
I am actually using it!!! Woohoo! Yay me!!! I am celebrating. 🎉🙌💃🏻 In this post, I have included photos of my lovely tracker…just cuz it makes me happy to do so.
Takes so little to make me happy. I feel like I have my life back. 😂🥰 Look at me go!!!!!
Funsies
I wanted to title this post Funsies. This post is for the fun of it. For funsies. 😜
Years ago, I had thousands upon thousands of pages of notes. On this blog, I have a post talking about those notes and how I spent hours burning them all.
I only had two three-ring binders missing from that collection of notes. Hannah had them. Once upon a time ago, she asked me if she could have some of my notes and read through them. Reluctantly, I gave her two folders that contained some of my conversations between Father and I from 2016. Since she had them, they were spared from the fire-burning ceremony.
While sorting through her house and organizing, those two folders appeared. I had been waiting for that day. I planned to burn them as well. This caused her anxiety. 😂 She begged me not to burn them. She hasn’t read through them yet…but also wanted to save them. Hannah is a bit salty about the burning ceremony.
Just for fun, while she was sitting there sorting stuff, I opened them up and started reading through them. I started narrating for her. Some of my notes, I wrote in keyword phrases so anyone picking up my stuff couldn’t always figure out what I was doing. These are pretty personal. It is my thoughts on paper. A compilation of my conversations with Father. For years, I wrote them down…a lot of them. Really didn’t want people to read my intimate thoughts. 💭🤔🤨
The Plan
For fun, I thought I would do a post typing up a few of the conversations. As I have read back through some of them, I see what treasures His responses were to me. Thought I would share some publicly. Look at me go…being all grown up. Shows maturity. Over my bad self in that area. 😜
Here is the plan for the rest of this post…and possibly the next post…which I just might title Funsies. 😜
I am going to share little conversations between Father and I. I will first share what I said…then I will share the truths He spoke to me in reply. Always remember…an intimate relationship with Christ is a dialogue, not a monologue. At least it is supposed to be. You can’t have ears to hear your Shepherd speaking if you don’t stop and listen. You need to give Him an opportunity to speak to you. 🙃
In my handwritten notes, the pattern I use is to always start His reply with the word Truth and then I circle it. This way if I want to scroll down the page quickly, I can always spot His words over my own. In this post, I will highlight His responses by starting His with the word Truth in bold. When you see Truth, you will know that is what Father/Christ/Spirit said to me.
Gym
A little backstory here.
Again…this is in 2016. During that time, I was doing CrossFit. In the past, I have injured my left knee on three separate occasions. I am pretty partial to keeping that knee healthy. Don’t want another knee surgery, so I am pretty protective of that knee.
I needed to do some rehab on it. Father and I discussed said rehab. I knew I needed to head to the regular gym to do some work on the stationary bike. Not a fan of the stationary bike. 🤨 I did the work and achieved the results I was looking for. However, during this time, I had to have a conversation with Father to make the work more pleasant for me emotionally. I was struggling with negative feelings toward that bike. I needed to deal with my inner shit. Take a dump. Take a shower. Clean the inner me up inside. 😳
When I sat down to talk to Him about it. The first thing I said to Him about the bike was…I am not able to do this. Truth…You are able. The question is…are you willing? Will you do the work?
OUCH…just got spanked. He is saying…you want to be lazy here. I then repented. That means I apologized for having thoughts of being lazy. I said…please forgive me for my nasty attitude and the desire to be lazy.
He forgave me. We moved on to the next issue in my heart and mind.
Next in Line
I said to Father/Christ/Holy Spirit…I want to love doing this bike…but I don’t. I want to obey you with joy…but I don’t have joy about this. Truth…Not all obedience will be joyful. Some things I ask you to do will not be fun. It will be work and it takes maturity within you to do it anyway. I have designed it that way. It is a test. Will you obey anyway even when it is not a “joyful” task? Maturity will come as you make the task joyful anyway. You can choose to willingly change your attitude to match up with your obedience.
Next up…
A little backstory. He has a pattern with me. He makes me start…then stop. Then later…I start back up again. Starting and stopping only to start again later builds greater strength in me…because starting again is harder for me than maintaining the program. It builds more mental strength…at least that has been true for me.
Try being in the gym for years merely maintaining strength with that weekly routine… versus coming in and out of the gym. Let me tell you…it is MUCH more difficult mentally to work out physically the way I have than it is to merely be a gym rat for years. This is one reason I say…I can out bench press any human being in my soul and spirit. To mankind…I am physically weak…but I have eternal strength where it matters the most.
Quitting
I had a fear of quitting.
I said to Him…I am afraid of quitting. Afraid I won’t be able to start back up again because I know I will have to go back through all the pain it takes when starting back up again. It makes me feel like I am a quitter. I am always a quitter. Truth…Pre-Christ you were a quitter. Post-Christ you are no longer a quitter. Holy Spirit is your reminder. He is your coach. He is your convictor.
Lastly in this particular conversation…I said…I wanted my mom and dad to be proud of me. Truth…Man’s opinion of you is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if they were proud of you or not. What matters is that I am proud of you. I am proud of you. You have worked hard.
Freedom
After having this conversation with Father about the bike, I had peace about riding that stationary bike. Also, I found a way…His way to ride the bike with joy. Not using and abusing music as a solution to cover up the negative emotions as most do in the gym.
This conversation and the truth contained within gave me freedom from the pain I was feeling in my soul. It allowed me to find peace and joy while laboring for Him.
This is how I have walked…for years. Always taking everything to Him…to clean it up…so I could move forward in His peace.
A laborious way to live…but it has led me here today. 🤷♀️
Modesty
Here is another convo I thought was worth sharing publicly.
A little backstory…
Father had me in a relationship with people at this time who were in the C.R.S. (Christian Religious System) and who were legalists. One aspect of their legalism was about how women dressed. Modesty was a huge deal to them.
Important note here. I used to have thyroid disease. My thermostat struggled to regulate at times. That was a biological fact for me. I have this weird range…very small range of temperature I can be comfortable in.
I am super cold most of the time. When it is warm…I love to be warm. I always say…I am like a reptile. I need to sit in the sun to warm up. This ole gal prefers being hot…but not too hot.
This means when it is warm out…I wear shorts and tank tops. I prefer no sleeves.
Well…to the legalists…this is immodest. Tanks are a no-no.
The Convo
I say to Father…I have this fear of rejection going on here. I know it is man-centered, but I am afraid they are going to reject me because I am wearing tank tops and shorts. He then spanked me.
One…for being afraid of man. Caring more about what man thinks of me and how I dress rather than what He thinks of how I am dressing. I apologized for being afraid of man over Him and caring more about what they thought than Him.
Two…in this attitude…I was joining in on the legalistic attitude/heart/mindset. I apologized to Him for being legalistic too about clothes.
After I repented, He then shared some teaching with me. Truth…The body is not the problem. I created it to be beautiful…naked/nude…unashamed. The problem is not the body…but the hearts of man. The lusts of man. The impure hearts and minds of man regarding the body.
He then said…You have two responsibilities here. One…be unashamed about your body. Two…cover up the private parts.
This brought more freedom to me…soul and spirit. I know my job related to my body. Whatever man may feel about my body…is their problem…not mine. It is a boundary for me.
Parenting
Here is one related to parenting.
One mother I used to mentor each week for a season was proficient in a few areas I really failed at when I was a younger mother. Remember…I accepted Christ when I became pregnant with my first child. I had a LOT of cleanup work that has taken years.
As a result, I did some damage to my kids as I was learning and growing. I used to beat the shit out of myself for this. Took years of inner work to get the healing I needed for my past mistakes. I eventually got there…but it took a lot of work to get there.
I said to Father…I want healed completely of/from the pain my sin/disobedience and the damage it caused my children. Truth…You are being prideful and arrogant in believing that your sin/disobedience and the damage it caused your children is greater than My ability to heal them and redeem them.
OUCH!!!! Got my ass spanked.
I then apologized to Him for my pride and arrogance. I asked Him to heal my children and myself. Redeem my mistakes…in me…and my children. Wash all of it away in us all. Like it had never been there to begin with.
Relationship Pain
A little backstory…
Throughout my life, Father has directed my relationships. He brings people in for a season…and some He takes out. I am finally to the place of actually getting to keep people in my life. WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate saying goodbye to people. It hurts me. Deeply. He puts love in my heart for people…deep love. His love. So when He makes me say goodbye to someone…it is a big deal to my heart. I don’t enjoy it. After years of this, I have tried not to get attached to people up front…cuz I suspect they won’t be around long.
I have a filter I use…works really well. When someone thinks they might want to be in my life, I share some truths right up front with them to test the waters. If they can handle the truth…we are golden. If they can’t. They will run for the door pretty darn quickly. This keeps me from investing my heart in someone Father is going to rip out of my life. 😂🤷♀️
Convo
In this convo, Father ripped another one out of my life. He had me end the relationship. I knew He was right. Logically, it wasn’t going to work any longer. But…I felt guilty. I hurt her feelings. It felt like I didn’t value her when I did…so very much. This is how our convo started…to continue…I added. It didn’t end well. Sad about that. I don’t like those kinds of endings. Not clean feeling or happy.
Truth…I obeyed. There was more to it than meets the eye. I need to trust Him on that. I can see what is going on behind the scenes when you can’t. It was for your protection.
This comforted me greatly. I had seen many signs of some things going on behind the scenes. This is why I logically knew it wasn’t going to work any longer. However, it didn’t remove the pain of it…until He shared the above truth. I think I needed Him to verify what I was seeing and sensing. Once He did, I was golden about it and I could move on with peace.
Never stopped loving the woman. Saw her a few times later on…hugged her and had a nice visit. Loved that.
Phone Convo
I am a wordy girl. Just in case you hadn’t noticed that. 😂
The other day, Hannah started laughing at me when I announced the obvious to her about me. She said…love how you do that. In case I didn’t already know that.
I told her…I feel like I need to do that on occasion just for funsies. 😂 I get some weird kind of pleasure out of it. 🤷♀️
If you can only imagine…I had spent several hours on the phone with a friend. 😂 When I got off the phone, I said to Father…man…I feel guilty about that.
I was thinking maybe I had talked too long. Should have kept it shorter. Been more respectful of my friend’s time.
The above…is what I said to Him.
Truth…You don’t need to feel guilty for other people’s decisions. Choices. Feelings. They are not yours to carry.
He reminded me…they could have said they needed to get off the phone. It is about boundaries. Everyone should have them. If they don’t want to talk…talk so long…or have something else they need to be doing…it is their responsibility to tell me.
I stopped feeling guilty for something that was not for me to feel guilty about. 😍
Last One
I am going to share one last convo in this post. Let’s go back to my knee again. This was a convo for a different day.
I am afraid I will have to stop doing CrossFit because of my knee issue. I won’t be able to finish what I started. (This took me back to my childhood…rewinding there.) Volleyball.
I enrolled in Volleyball my freshman year of high school. Right before our first day of practice, I cut my finger pretty badly. Yep…not going to even tell you how I did that. Always seem to be hurting myself in crazy ways. When the ER doctor stitched me up, they made it clear I was going to be unable to do Volleyball.
I said to Father about this…I am ashamed I cut my finger. I am such a klutz. Ashamed of being a klutz…and ashamed and embarrassed I couldn’t do Volleyball.
Truth…You were doing Volleyball for the wrong reasons. You wanted to fit in with the crowd and be like others. I derailed your plans with the cutting of your finger. It was never my intention for you to play sports. I chose you to stand out from the crowd, not fit in with it. I wanted you to be set apart.
Ouch…another spanking.
I then apologized for trying to be somebody He had not created me to be. Apologized for caring what others thought of me. Apologized for wanting to fit in with the wrong crowd. I also apologized for wanting to be popular, well-liked, and accepted by man.
There was a whole lot of apologizing going on there for a whole host of pride and arrogance within my bad self. Lots of flesh.
Surgery
Another portion of this conversation was about surgery. The last knee injury, my Orthopedic told me…one more injury to that knee and you are going to need surgery again.
Goodness…NO!!!! 🤦♀️ So over having surgeries.
I had the attitude of…I don’t want any more surgeries. No more medical bills. No more doctor visits. Etc. Part of my attitude/mindset was the push-through-it mentality. You see that a lot in athletics. Suck it up…push through the pain.
I got spanked. Again.
Truth…This is pride…not submission. You are valuing the toughness and strength attitude of the flesh…not acknowledging the weaknesses of your flesh…and accepting a submissive spirit to Christ’s ways. These are from two opposing kingdoms.
To Father/Christ/Holy Spirit…it is more valuable to submit to His plan and admit we are weak. Once we admit we are weak…then we submit to His strength. He will give us His strength to persevere and endure when that is what He is calling us to.
There was a season in my life…a long one…where I underwent many medical issues…including a long list of surgeries. Every single one of them…was part of His purposes in making me the woman I am today.
There Ya Go
Now ya know a few of the conversations I had with Father back in 2016. Hopefully, someone will get something positive from my past pain.
Someone should get something out of it. 😂 I know I did.
He is the great Recycler. He can use and reuse anything for His glory.
Going to stop there. Might do another post with some additional conversations tomorrow. We shall see.
Have a marvy day out there!!! Planning on it myself. 😆