An important aspect of my relationship with Father is music. He serenades me daily. I love that part of who He is. The Composer. The Musician. The Orchestrator. The Singer. The Artist. He speaks to us non-stop 24/7…if we have ears to hear him.
This morning, He began serenading me with the Bee Gees. I enjoy their music. I love it when men can sing in that falsetto voice. It speaks to me of a man’s ability to embrace and utilize feminine qualities. Like a softer touch to him inside…how a female can be tender to her children. It represents tenderness to me coming from a man’s voice. Tenderness through a man’s touch. The tender touch of a man. Soothing. 🥰
Enya
For the last few days, I have been listening to Enya. I find her music delicious to consume. Soothing to my soul. Always has been. I have been a huge fan for many years. While listening yesterday, I accidentally turned off my Bluetooth exposing her to Vanessa. We began a conversation about Enya. I was telling Vanessa, I am not really a fan of women singing in the higher registers, but Enya works for me. I find it odd because I feel so differently about men. LOVE to hear Adam Levine singing. Love that voice. Men singing in those upper registers trip all my triggers in such a good way. Massages my heart. 😍
My S.O.P. or M.O.
When He starts serenading me, I look up the lyrics…even if I know them…I need to see and read them once again with my eyes, not just hear them with my ears. I want a full-body…learning experience. I want all the senses activated while I am listening to Him. We have five main senses we speak of in all three bodies. Body, soul, and spirit. That is a small part of discernment. Discerning the spirits or Spirit through the senses too. I want to engage all of them I can…NOT wanting to miss anything He is saying.
I stay hungry for Him to feed me…body, soul, and spirit. I want to smell His truth with the nose of my spirit man. I want to FEEL Him touching my hearts…all three of them. His massages are the best…even when they are clinical in nature. I know the pain will pass…it always does. He works the kinks out of me if I hang tight with Him.
I am actively looking for Him and listening to Him. He is my sole focus. No one else gets my attention. I am looking Him in the eyes instead of being distracted by whatever is in my surroundings. I WANT to hear what He is saying because I care about His heart.
The Variety
Some days He will give me…
- A playlist
- One phrase of a song
- One word of a song
- Two lines
- A title
- A simple jingle
- A children’s song
- Instrumentation only without the voices
He doesn’t follow the same pattern each time, He mixes it up like the Artist He is. He created a wide variety of notes, combinations, tones, instruments, styles, genres, etc. Combinations and variety are part of who He is…complexity. He is like that in all things. He created many different skin tones, cultures, languages, personalities, etc. His knowledge and intelligence are vast…beyond measure. The depth of the MAN He is…beyond comprehension to our finite minds.
The Depths of Love
The Bee Gees song He is singing today…How Deep Is Your Love. I have it on repeat in my Bose buds as I type. It will play all day in my ears as I write or until He tells me to turn it off. That is how I roll…every day. I will consume every morsel of truth out of it He will feed me. Occasionally, we will do a several-day marathon of a song. I want to digest it all…chew on it until it is broken down as far as it can be broken down. I want my spirit man to be nourished by the truth in it. My spirit man needs the spiritual vitamins, nutrients, and minerals from it.
After reading the lyrics this morning and then turning it on repeat, I asked Him…what are you saying to me? He didn’t respond. Sometimes He doesn’t. He wants me to chew on it for a while. See how much I care. Do I really WANT the truth? Do I really WANT to KNOW Him? How hard am I willing to work for the truth? What am I willing to sacrifice for the truth? How committed am I?
Transparency
Our relationship has been rough for the last four years. He led me into the Wilderness…and into Hell…both. I was angry. VERY! Every single day…I fought Him. I yelled. Cried. Kicked. Screamed. Cussed. I begged to get out of Hell. I begged.
One December during this time, every single morning, my concerned teenage son would ask me…mom…how are you today. My response was the exact same every day…I hate my life, Mitchell…I would rather be dead.
When I was already living in death…why fight to get out? To me…death was preferable by this point.
I dropped 25 pounds the first year…down to 100 pounds. The things I was having to look at…I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t keep the food down. He once said to me…you’re languishing. My response…AND whose fault is that…sure NOT mine. 🤨
Sassy…I was so sassy.
Looking Up
Last month, I surrendered…100%. I gave up. I quit fighting Him. My heart had been frozen…I no longer had any feelings left. I became neutral about His plans. My default setting…just tell me what to do and give me peace about it. I will do it.
Last night, He said…you’re free. You can go. You can leave if you want.
Suspicious. Very perplexed. What does He mean?
I have questions. 🤔
Waiting on answers.
I have trusted Him for 30 years, but over the last year or so, that trust began to wane.
Think PTSD…the trauma of it all. I am gun-shy. Leery. Skeptical. Hesitant. My heart is guarded.
Reestablishment of Love
In my sassiness this morning, I said to Him…I don’t believe you are asking me how deeply I love you because you KNOW that experientially. I died for you. Gave it all up for you. Lived in Hell for you. I fought battles for you. I have withheld nothing from you.
True statements. Logical deduction. He must be talking about a different perspective. Not asking me.
Upon further reflection, I need to KNOW just how deeply He loves and adores me. I need Him to win my heart back. Inflame my passion for Him again. He has damaged my heart so severely.
Yesterday…He said…I will spare no expense.
This morning, I believe He is saying…I will spare no expense to show you how deeply the love in my heart is for you, my beloved.
I think He is saying He is going to buy me a van at some point in time to travel in. A dream coming true…to reality. This morning, He showed me the price tag of it. I couldn’t breathe. I would never in my life pay that much for a vehicle. He reminded me…I will SPARE NO EXPENSE…to show you how deep MY love is for YOU.
My heart is warming up a bit. Maybe the van is merely a spiritual picture of something. 🤷♀️ We shall see. It is hard to know with Him at times.
Love versus Obligation
The old covenant needed to be upgraded and renewed for a whole host of reasons…but one reason was…it was a covenant out of obligation…NOT love. The people could not love Him in their hearts. They obeyed out of obligation. Christ had to come…die…and leave so Holy Spirit could live in a man’s heart to have love. His love for Him…and for others. Love is NOT a work of the flesh of man. It is a fruit of His Spirit. You can’t have love if you don’t have Holy Spirit. Otherwise, it is just a natural affection for a person. A natural attraction is driven by emotions…NOT truth. He is love. Love is not an emotion…it is a person. Him.
Over the last year or so, I have said to Him…I am not obeying out of love anymore. Only obeying out of obligation. I am spreading my legs for you and letting you get off only because I am obligated to you. We are in this covenant, but I am not getting any orgasms…no pleasure out of our intimacy in the bedroom anymore.
I am brutally honest with Him. 😐
That being said…I knew what He was saying this morning…you can go if you want…I don’t want you to spread your legs for me out of obligation anymore.
BUT…I want you to stay here with me…be in a relationship with me because you love me…not because you said those vows to me 30 years ago.
Winning my Heart
I appreciate His heart…I am still waiting on the part…spare no expense to win my heart back AND keep it.
That is the responsibility of a husband to a wife. He is responsible to win her heart. Woo her. Wow her. Once he has it…he is responsible for keeping the love, respect, intimacy, honor, etc… alive and healthy in her heart…and his. Those are the husband’s roles…to love his wife. Like Christ loves His.
With a bit of skepticism, I am open to whatever He is planning. My heart is at stake here. Life or death, right? BUT…I am optimistic too. Learning just how deep His love runs for me…is an experience I need…truly. 😌
To be continued…