I started to write this post last night, but it didn’t feel complete in my heart and mind. More reflection was necessary. I am not sure where I am going with this post other than to follow Him. I go where He leads me. My son Mitchell used to tell me, “Mom, you start talking and you don’t know where you are going.” Yep. Yes, son…I am just following Father wherever He leads me. Quite an adventure…sometimes a frustrating one. 🤷♀️
So many changes have taken place in my heart and mind over the last week. I am trying to keep up with the changes. It feels like we are running now. Maybe driving fast. We are in a hurry to get somewhere. I feel it inside. The pushing. I like it. The drive is passion, and my passion is coming back. Passion for life. I have longed to have it back like the old days…I have missed myself.
Bobbi was telling me the other night that Mitchell said to her…I wish you could have met mom before. I laughed…a sad laugh…yes…me too. She came into the family with a serious death-riddled mom. Suicidal mom…mom in chronic heart and mind pain. Fortunately, those days are over now. 🥰
Unyoked From Death
Father recently unyoked me from death. Man…that feels GOOD! I have been yoked with death since 2017. It was crushing me. I can’t remember what morning it was but within this past week, I woke up and the chains were gone. The yoke had been removed. I felt the life in me. Last night, I could feel the lifeblood flowing through my veins. It was beautiful. Freedom is such a gift. One I will cherish for eternity. Enslavement to death is well…death. Go figure.
I have new vision, seeing things differently now.
I had an encounter with a man yesterday…wow…he touched my heart.
I went to Best Buy to check out the latest and greatest Apple earbuds. My Beats died. My Bose pair is great, but I need a second pair…the battery does need to be recharged at times. I MUST have a pair of working earbuds available 24/7. It is a necessity.
I start chatting with an employee who happens to have the latest AirPods in his ears. For some reason, (Father) he wants to introduce me to the Apple rep who is in the store. I follow him back to meet the guy.
Isaiah
His name is Isaiah. He starts giving me the story of the different versions of AirPods. He convinces me I need the Pro version. Sold.
I have the most wonderful yet crazy experiences with total strangers. Isaiah and I hit it off…almost like an instant connection. He was an attractive man, super friendly, had a great energy about him, intelligent, easy to talk to, etc. Before I realized it, we had been standing there for over an hour talking. I had forgotten time existed.
We went from discussing Apple products to dogs, traveling, photography, music, hiking, love, etc. We were all over the place and the conversation flowed naturally…nothing was forced…no awkward breaks…seamless flowing words. A beautiful connection between two people.
At one point in the conversation, he went to the back to get his laptop and tablet. When he brought them out, I noticed skull stickers all over his devices. We are looking at some of his pictures from Denali National Park in Alaska…he is a fellow traveler and free spirit like me. We transition to pictures of his dogs, then a picture of youth out in nature. Some park, but what arrested me was what he said…he used to be a youth minister. WHOA!
So, I touch his skull stickers and I say…help me understand where all the skulls fit into this puzzle because the skulls represent death. This led to an amazing conversation about his relationship with Father. The journey he is on with Christ. Floored…is an understatement. He had a light jacket on over his shirt, and he took it off because he wanted to show me his full sleeve of tats on his right arm. His arm was completely covered in Jesus artwork. His mom’s favorite scripture, a depiction of Christ’s face, symbols, etc.
The guy is Committed. All In.
What really floored me was the depth in the heart of this man. He was like me. One of my peeps. He began to share how he doesn’t associate as a Christian because he doesn’t believe/follow that mindset/attitude…you know the arrogant…let’s look down on those who are not going to church 3 Sundays out of 4.
He was sharing with me about his heart…his love for Christ and how that compels him to obey.
Listen…the dude was speaking my language…the language of my heart. I was close to speechless as Crystal can get. I was tracking with his heart. Spirit to spirit, core to core, heart to heart. We had the same moral values. The same love for people and for Father.
I have been thinking about Isaiah ever since our meeting.
In conjunction with Isaiah, I have been thinking about Peter a lot too. I shared a bit about him in a previous post. He has touched my heart also. I have never experienced a man who was similar to me in so many areas. Peter is excessive, extreme, passionate, and obsessive. I used to be ashamed of those qualities in me, but Father healed my mind with the truth. I know He created me how I am. This personality is the one He wanted me to have. After understanding it was a gift to me, I embraced myself as I am.
A Change Within
As I was walking Tonto this morning, I was thinking about Peter and Isaiah and how they have impacted my heart and mind. I realized I was attracted to them both…all three bodies.
That is a big deal to me, something has changed. I have always perceived men to be dogs. I have been repulsed by them mostly. My poor opinions of men…men consistently solidified.
With these two, I am seeing men from a different perspective. Not as dogs. After my conversation with Isaiah, I realized I connected with him…in such a pleasurable way. I could have easily continued that conversation all day long. It brought pleasure to my heart. He was deep…the man had heart depth and I liked it. He was sharing it with me…willingly…and I REALLY liked it.
I am not sure why yet, but this has brought a couple of things to my heart and mind. Kashmir by Led Zeppelin. It is on repeat in my AirPods today as I write. It makes me think of the lyrics which talk about traveling in time and space. I am traveling in two different realms at the same time…always.
The second thought that comes up is the eagle which is why I posted the eagle picture.
Two Dreams
Years ago, I had a dream. Actually two, both negative.
The first one was at night. I was standing in my backyard looking up at the moon. The night was beautiful with the trees around me. An eagle flew in front of the moon, and I shot and killed it. As the eagle fell, I knew I had just broken the law. I took the eagle and put it in the bottom of the trash can and covered it up to hide the evidence of my crime.
The second negative eagle dream…I was at the edge of a lake. The lake was frozen. I stepped onto the dock or wooden walkway which led out onto the lake a short distance, I looked down at the ice, and just under the ice was an eagle. Frozen.
Everything has multiple meanings, so these two dreams mean different things to me. I will share a portion of what Father was communicating to me all those years ago. In part, they came at a time in my life when I was hiding from people. I hid my heart…my relationship with Him. There were a LOT of reasons why I hid.
Religion
One reason…I was raised in the religious system of Christianity. On the conservative end of the spectrum in Christianity. The end where you aren’t allowed to say damn but you also can’t say dang or darn. Can’t say shit…that is not allowed either. They never said, but I suppose I can’t say manure, feces, refuse, muck, stool, etc. because they are all synonyms of the noun shit. I couldn’t watch R-rated movies, had to wear a dress to church, couldn’t miss church, etc. All the rules, regulations, doctrines, and traditions of man which nullify Father’s words.
Conservative to Liberal
On the conservative end, they don’t acknowledge Holy Spirit’s presence in this world…in the heart of a man. With that…they worship and idolize the Bible itself instead of Father, the one who wrote it. Believing the Bible is the end of Father’s words. They built their own god, and their god doesn’t speak to anyone in any other way than the Bible itself. He went silent after He wrote the good book. Holy Spirit was fired. They fired Him, so He is limited in what works He can do in their hearts, minds, and lives. He isn’t welcome in their house…their temple. See?
Many years ago…many…long before the walking dead phase…I described them to my friend as the walking dead. They go to church, and they talk about Jesus at church but there is no life in them. No fire. No passion. They are the walking dead. They have the appearance of life but no life inside.
That being said, I was raised in that environment. When I finally entered into a relationship with Father as an adult, He started me out on that end of the Christian religious spectrum. He later took me all the way through from that end over to the charismatic end of the spectrum to teach me much. I saw the conservative and the liberal sides of that system. Gleaned much truth.
Being steeped in the conservative end of that religion…I knew the “prophetic” side of me would be UNwelcome. NOT well received…but shunned instead. I use the term prophetic because I don’t know a better term to use right now. I am talking about Father communicating with me OUTSIDE of the Bible. Speaking to me by His Spirit into my spirit man.
Hidden Away
During those years, I was hidden. I didn’t discuss my intimacy with Father to people…not even the Christians I was associating with. Only a select few and carefully selected pieces of intimacy with Him.
Then He moved me into the non-denominational portion of that religious system. I started seeing a bit of life there.
Also saw some emotion.
I saw “worship”…using that term loosely. Christianity does not teach true worship of Father. They teach, sell, campaign, market…emotional hype. Let’s get your emotions worked up so you can have an experience. An experience does not equal a relationship or intimacy with Father. Man is driven by their emotions. They want to FEEL good…get out of pain. They will use whatever drug they can find. If you NEED “worship” music to have an experience with Father…you are in trouble. What you are doing is using. Using “worship” music as a drug…to get your next hit to feel better. That isn’t a relationship. This is toxic behavior…not born out of a heart of love for Father…that is a heart which is serving self. Selfish. All about bowing down and worshipping self instead of bowing down and worshipping Him.
For Me
I rarely listen to Christian anything. I CAN’T listen to a Christian radio station. Within a nanosecond, I can tell if the speaker is a preacher or if the song is a Christian song. I can’t change the station fast enough. That religious spirit repulses me. I am not a fan of him. I will cherish the day he is locked away in prison for eternity. All traces of him removed in my life. It is kind of like eggplant for me, I have had all the eggplant in my life I ever want to have. Can’t stomach another bite of it. Please don’t serve me eggplant. The color is beautiful but the taste…no thanks. I feel the same way about the religious spirit…he may look pretty and charming, but he isn’t. He tastes bad. Smells bad…feels bad.
Let me give you a couple of examples of how Father and I roll. The other morning Father woke me up and told me He had unyoked me from death. HALLELUJAH! Glory BE! WOW!!! Talk about LIFE…done with death.
Before I stepped in the shower, I asked Father IF He wanted me to listen to any music. He said yes…Kashmir by Led Zeppelin. (What I am currently listening to.) I put it on repeat and set the phone on the corner of the shower above my head. I am showering with this song playing above me…as the brass section and the drums are beating…He began to show me the armies in Heaven. I saw the warriors. They were being dispatched.
Armies in Heaven
To back up, a few years ago, I saw the same armies in Heaven. They were practicing. They were marching in unison. The sounds of their feet, with the metal clanking from their weapons and armor…truly deafening to my ears. It was an incredible sight and sound to behold.
Back to current day shower…I am feeling the crescendo of the music, I hear the brass shouting the war cry, and the drums are becoming my heartbeat. It is the heartbeat of the warriors…their stepping march. I hear their cries, their shouts, their moans…and I feel them. But as the song progresses, I feel the war cry turn into a victory dance. I feel the elevation. I am there. In it. I KNOW how this ends. The whole scene is truly indescribable as it is a gauntlet. A gauntlet of emotions.
I am shredded. Crying. Sobbing. Overwhelmed by what I see…and the emotions tied to it all. I am horrified, but as the scene continues in my heart and mind, I begin to rejoice. My arms are outstretched to Heaven, and I am dancing to that fabulous drumbeat…celebrating our victories. Celebrating my victory. My release from enslavement to death. I am rejoicing in salvation. His death to set me free. He died so I could have LIFE…an abundance of LIFE.
It was an incredible shower. Washing the death stains off me. Washing me clean. Body, soul, and spirit.
Another Shower
In another shower scene years ago, my MO never changes…before I step in…Father…do you want me to listen to any music or is this shower going to be just a quiet conversation for you and I. We ALWAYS shower together. Makes showering so much more pleasurable.
His response, Heathens by Twenty One Pilots.
As always, I put it on repeat and listen to His voice through the surface of the song. We dive deep within. Long story short, during that particular shower, He pours out His compassion into my heart and mind. I was shredded. His compassion for broken hurting people overwhelmed me. Full to overflowing. Flowing in and out of me just like the water flowed. I stood there sobbing…feeling people’s pain, their loneliness, their desperation, their brokenness…coupled with…well…compassion for them. Indescribable experience when He does that stuff to me.
I share this for several reasons…one…He told me to. That is always the first reason.
Heart Condition
Secondly, the god Christians have built is not Father. He is not who they think He is.
He is not offended by my use of a cuss word or a curse word. Those are parts of speech. A way of expressing yourself. Expressing what is in your heart. They are nouns, adjectives, adverbs…see? It isn’t what you put in your mouth or what comes out of your mouth that defiles you…it is what is IN YOUR HEART that defiles you. What we say or do EXPOSES the defilement in our hearts. Daily, we reveal or expose the condition of our hearts. Clean/pure/righteous or unclean/impure/unrighteous.
If I tell you to go to Hell…I am not sinning or disobeying because I used a cuss word…I am sinning or disobeying because I have an unclean/impure heart toward you. Operating in unresolved anger toward you that I have not dealt with. See?
It is the defilement in your heart that offends Him.
Example
If I say, I took a healthy shit. I am using shit to describe something I did. I could say instead I took a healthy dump…they both mean the same thing. Neither of those offends Father.
However, if I say, you are a piece of shit or a worthless piece of shit out of condemnation and anger…I am offending Father. NOW I am cursing someone or something. In my heart…see? I am saying…one…shit is worthless and/or bad. He created it with purpose. It serves the purposes He created it to serve. In addition to that, I am saying the person is worthless or bad. If I am saying that out of my flesh…THAT is an offensive heart because I have a combination or mixture of a variety of unresolved issues within my heart. I have anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, etc. See the difference? In both cases, shit is a noun, but the heart is where the difference lies. It is the attitude of the heart Father is judging, not the English word we utilize.
My Point
Instead of getting to KNOW Father’s heart…Christians built their own god. Their god bows to them. To their manmade ways and rules. Those rules, regulations, doctrines, and traditions of man which nullify Father’s words.
Father doesn’t bow to man. He expects man to bow to Him and His ways. A much harder path to follow for sure. Bowing to Him hurts like Hell at times. Not a fan of that part of this relationship.
Thirdly, Christian’s definition of “worshipping” Father is NOT Father’s definition of worshipping Him. To be blunt, Christians have built a false god…and a false temple to worship in…with false worship. Not pleasing to Father. He does not accept false fire. Holy Spirit is the fire. The flame. He is who lights us up inside with the light of Christ. He leads us to worship inside this temple Father built…the heart and mind…as He defines worship. If you are IN a relationship with Christ, you are HIS temple. Your body is the temple He lives in and your heart is the altar where the sacrifices are supposed to be offered.
As Father moved me into the liberal end of the Christian religious system, I saw a lot of false fire. In the charismatic craziness and chaos…and the apostolic arrogance, I saw many who professed to be receiving messages from Father and/or performing miracles in His name…but it was false.
His Schooling
As Father schooled me through those years experientially learning His truths, I once asked Him about Kathryn Kuhlman. She is idolized within the charismatic and apostolic division of the Christian religious system. He gave me the scripture that says…but Father I performed miracles in your name…His response…I never knew them.
I knew what He was saying at that moment. She claimed to perform miracles in MY NAME, but I never KNEW her. He meant…she wasn’t in a relationship with me. She wasn’t intimate with me. I did not KNOW her intimately. She put on a show for the people. Led people to “experiences” with the false god they have built. The temples built by the hands of man He doesn’t reside in.
You see…many don’t want to suffer for Him. They want to attach His name to their life and use Him or His name in vain…use Him for manipulation purposes only. To serve self…not serve Him.
They want their claim to fame, for a raise, a promotion, a good reputation, or merely to make themselves feel better. BUT none of that is worship of Him. None of that is service to Him.
True Worship
Dying to YOUR flesh is service to Him. That is worshipping Him. Putting His needs above your own. That is a heart that pleases Him.
If you claim to follow Him or be attached to Him in name but you are not dying to your flesh daily…living for Him instead of living for yourself…then you are a liar. You are taking His name in vain. He doesn’t KNOW you intimately. Because you don’t share your heart with Him. You are not worshipping Him in the way He desires you to love and worship Him. You are offering up a false fire. False love and obedience. False offerings. You say you love Him…have Holy Spirit’s fire within you yet you live for self…not Him. You have the appearance of but no substance within your heart. That is the worship of self.
Worshipping Him is bowing your heart to Him. Humbly leaving the world behind to serve His purposes not your own. That is sacrifice. Painful. That is what He requires. That is what Christ did.
Getting hyped up with music or emotionally overwhelmed by music is just that…an emotional experience…that is not worshipping Father. You may be worshipping another god…but that is not Father you are worshipping.
Isaiah and the Eagle
My conversation with Isaiah reminded me of how for years, I kept the depth of my relationship with Father hidden away. In part, I was called to. He called it my cave. He hid me away in a cave. There was a measure of safety and protection in the cave. But also, I really liked my cave. In fact, when it was time to come out, I was in opposition to the notion.
I remember a time when I was at a friend’s house. She was ranting about something. Father wanted me to stop her and correct her. Of course, I didn’t want to. While she was talking, I was arguing with Holy Spirit. I eventually lost and blurted out the truths He wanted me to speak to her. Now…I knew her…I knew she was going to blow up. Her response was always anger. This is WHY I didn’t want to correct her. I knew I was going to have to deal with her getting ugly with me. She did.
As I drove away that day, I was angry at Father over the incident. I said to Him…I KNEW she was going to get mad at me. Why did you make me do that?
He was HOT. I got SPANKED…hard. He said to me…”You want to say what the itching ears want to hear.”
Damn straight I do.
He had some things to say about my attitude. Long story short…it was a pretty quiet 2-hour drive home. I was humbled.
Coming Out
Coming out…has a lot of what I used to think were drawbacks. Can you say…BACKLASH.
Hatred…anger…rejection. Not pleasant experiences…my opinion back then.
Today, I don’t care. It is merely exposing the defilement within their heart…not mine. It shows me their character compared to mine. Clean versus unclean. I have matured much to get to this state of mind and this place in my heart.
After my encounter with Isaiah, I realized how much he touched my heart by opening his heart up to me. Not just about his life, but about his relationship with Father. The heart aspect of it.
I can ALWAYS tell right away when a person begins talking about Father, Christ, or all things Christianity if the person is merely religious or if they are intimate with Father. They speak two different languages because they come from two different places. When Isaiah began speaking my language…he had my full attention. I was encouraged to hear a man’s heart for Father…a man who was steeped in the religious system and left…out of love for Father.
A while back, I saw a vision. It was of me. I was an eagle, and I was flying over the land. Father reminded me of that earlier this morning.
The Wait is Over
I am unsure why I am sharing this today on my blog site, but I know Father told me yesterday…the wait is over. This morning He said…the eagle has landed.
He says to end it simply with this…
The eagle has landed.