This post is about a conversation Father and I have been having for many years.
Swimming. More specifically…my fear of drowning.
But First…About the Picture
Before I get into the meat of it, I feel led to share a bit about the picture He has chosen for this post. It is one of my favorites for a number of reasons. One…my granddaughter and I are both in red and white. I love it.
Another reason…I got burnt on this vacation. The picture doesn’t do my burn justice. Every time I see this picture, I erupt in fits of laughter because it brings back all the memories of this trip…but the best memories are related to the burns.
We rented a place in North Myrtle Beach…right on the beach. The first morning there, we decided we were heading straight to the beach. Hannah and I headed out the door before Donovan and Vanessa…but they were following right behind us. Vanessa had our sunscreen in her bag. Hannah and I planned on lathering up as soon as Vanessa arrived on the beach. HUGE mistake. Hindsight is 20/20, right?
Where is Miss Sunscreen?
We get comfy on the beach. We are jamming to our tunes, chitty-chatting, and enjoying the sun. A little while later, I am saying to Hannah…where is Miss Sunscreen??? What the heck happened to the rest of the fam???
Hannah sends Vanessa a message asking what happened to them…her response…they went shopping.
WHAT???
Our sunscreen is in the bag with YOU.
By the time they arrived on the beach…the damage was already done for Hannah and I. Lobsters roasted. We were both RED. 😂
I made the mistake of turning my swimming bottoms into a thong so the cheeks could see some sun…another HUGE mistake…I scalded those babies. Made sitting down so enjoyable. 😵💫
Hannah’s poor nose blistered and peeled twice while in the Carolinas. She was like a snake shedding skin. Crazy funny.
The best part of the whole thing was our reactions to our stupidity. Humor.
Hannah is very dramatic in how she expresses herself which makes everything comical…even in the worst of situations, she is comedic relief. In addition, one of Hannah’s beliefs is that complaining is comforting to her. I don’t understand it, but it entertains me, so I go with it.
To see and hear the two of us moving around while on vacation was a barrel of laughter. If I am going to get a sunburn like that…Hannah is the one to have it with because somehow, she spins wool into gold. She can bring pleasure to your place of pain.
The Fear of Water
When I was a child, I nearly drowned. I still remember parts of those moments like they were yesterday. As a result, I became afraid of the water…getting in it.
When I was a young adult, I hated my fear. It held me back and I didn’t want to be held back. I wanted to be free. I knew it was like chains tying me down in a place I didn’t want to be. So, I began calling around to find a swimming instructor who would teach me how to swim.
Everyone I called, told me no. Their reasoning was always the same…once an adult has a fear of the water, we won’t teach them for safety reasons.
Ok…I had given up hope of learning how to swim and overcoming my fear of getting into the deeper portions of a pool.
Fast Forward Years Later
I always enrolled my children in swimming lessons each year. Two weeks…one hour per child each day…with a Red Cross-certified swimming instructor. I did that until they reached lifeguard readiness. If they wanted to be certified as a lifeguard, I would keep going but none of the children chose that.
One summer, I hired a young college girl to teach my kids swimming. While preparing to leave lessons one day, I was casually sharing how I wanted my kids to be proficient swimmers due to my struggles with swimming. I mentioned it was too late for me to learn because no one would teach me.
Heather said…Crystal…I WILL teach you. I was shocked. The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind…I had settled on…no one was ever going to be willing to teach me.
I hired her on the spot. Once my kids finished their two weeks of lessons, Heather and I met at the community pool after it closed in the evening and she taught me how to swim.
I told Heather…I will do everything you ask me to do…but I may need a moment to work up the courage to do it…so give me the time I need because I WILL do it. She was so gracious and patient with me.
Near the end of the two weeks, I had to jump off the diving board and also tread water.
HARD for me. HARD.
I told Heather…I NEED you to be right there in the water with me. When I jump, I need to know you are just an arm’s reach away. Same with treading water. She was. I needed that reassurance.
I was proud of my accomplishments during those two weeks. The fear was not gone…but diminished a great deal.
Fast Forward Almost 20 Years
During those years, I did inner healing with Father regarding my fear of getting into the deep end of the water. He has given me many truths over the years that have also removed other chains holding me down regarding water. However, I am still not 100% free yet.
Every trip to the ocean…I avoided the water. Playing in the shallow is sort of doable, but I won’t go any further out than my waist. I don’t trust the currents…but I also don’t want to get my head under the water.
Over the last few months, Father has given me the desire to go snorkeling and also scuba diving. I feel like the Great Barrier Reef is calling my name. I have this insane desire to take pictures of the wildlife under the water…which means I HAVE TO GET IN THE WATER…and put my head UNDER the water.
Holy Smackanoly. 😧
I recently looked up the requirements for getting certified in scuba diving. We have a place here locally that offers certification classes. As I was looking at the requirements, I saw part of the test is treading water for 10 minutes.
Oh Hell no.
I was thinking…no way. No way in Hell am I going to be able to tread water for 10 minutes. You have nothing to cling to. Obviously…you don’t cling to something while treading.
A crazy chain of events happens, and I end up with a membership to a local gym with a pool. Crazy uncanny stuff here going on and I KNOW what He is saying…get in the pool. Let’s work through this fear.
The First Day
A disaster…one…the pool is busy. Great!!! Everyone gets to witness the crazy woman who is trying to refresh her swimming lesson memories. Almost 20 years went by and although I had lessons, I still avoided the deep end so WILL I remember???
Secondly…I threw a pair of swimming trunks in my bag to change into when I got to the gym. It was a HUGE mistake NOT to try them on first. I got to the gym, put them on, and realized…I had lost quite a bit of weight since I wore those babies last. OOPS!
I KNEW there was no way they were going to stay up while I tried to swim…but I am DETERMINED. I am here. I am not going to let a pair of baggy swimming bottoms deter me from getting into the deep end. My mind was MADE up…no going back.
MISTAKE! 😳 🤣
Let’s just say…very short swimming session.
Next Day
Armed with a pair of swimming trunks that could stay on…I am ready. The plan was this…swim for a while, run on the treadmill, do some ab work, and then finish up with stretching.
No one can accurately accuse me of being an underachiever. Quite the contrary thank you very much!
I was pumped UP! I had a full lane to myself, and I started with the backstroke. Ok…doing good. After the first lap…my quads are burning. WTH????
I rested…tried another lap…couldn’t make it all the way down. My heart feels like it is going to explode, and my quads are on fire. I think I only did 2 and a half laps that day. I was discouraged. Out of the pool, I go.
I step into the locker room, and it was like the beads of pool water froze into icicles instantly. HOLY COW that was a wake-up call. I stepped into the sauna.
I have a routine now. Out of the pool…into the freezer, run into the sauna…stay there until my skin is on fire…thoroughly roasted…THEN get in the shower under the hot water.
While in the shower that day, my quads shook the entire shower. Well…RUNNING is OUT for the day. Sigh!
What’s Up With That?
I analyze everything. Not sure if that is a blessing or a curse but I had a problem and I needed the solution. After reflecting on the quad issue…I suspected…my anxiety was causing my heart rate to skyrocket while I was swimming…and I was pushing myself to swim hard and fast causing my quads to overwork as well. The fear was making me swim faster to stay above the water. That was my theory.
Making Progress
Since I had this theory about the cardio and the quads…I had to test it out. Get in the water and purposefully try to make myself relax. I worked on just floating for a time. Then I started the backstroke again but much slower…calming myself as I swam.
It worked. That day, I lost count of the laps I made…and I was able to run and do my abs in addition to swimming. Man…I was standing tall after my workout.
Goggles
I noticed the man swimming in the lane next to me had a neat set of goggles on, so I asked him where he got them. Later that day, I bought myself a pair with the intent of putting my face down in the water at some point in time.
Then I called my daughter Vanessa and we discussed swimming…she was on the swim team. She is like a fish in the water. Wonderful.
She was talking to me about getting water in my nose as I put my head underwater…like…not having nose plugs. 😳
I am OUT. Nope.
Took several days off from pooling. Needed time to work up the courage.
I finally decided to get a bowl of water at home…and shove my face down into it while holding my breath but NOT holding my nose shut.
To some…that seems silly and childish…but to me…it was the only way I was going to be able to allow my nostrils to fill up with water for the first time. Knowing I was standing on the ground…I wasn’t going to drown…to be consumed by water in my nose, covering my mouth, and not be able to get free from that place.
I did it. 😳
Baby steps man…baby steps. 🤷♀️
Back to the Pool
I go back to the pool armed with my new goggles and this insane drive to get free from the fear of drowning.
I get my whole head…under the water…with my eyes open. I can see!!! A whole new world for me.
The next issue I discovered was neck and shoulder tension after swimming. I suspected I was holding my head in tension while doing the backstroke…confirmed. I began telling myself as I swam…relax the head Crystal…let it float. I discovered I am buoyant. 🤣
Today
I was hoping to practice treading water today. I had the pool all to myself. Going in at 6 am is the best time for a quiet pool. Although…not the smartest thing I have ever done.
I let go of the rail this morning and realized the anxiety shot up within, so I went back to lapping the backstroke again.
While I was swimming, I was talking with Father about three issues.
Treading water…He reminded me of my lessons with Heather…how I don’t feel safe treading in the deep water alone. I can tread water when someone is with me…but when I am alone…I begin to panic inside. I need to know someone is out there with me. For some reason…having a treading partner comforts me.
Secondly…putting my face in the water to swim. I can’t just do the backstroke for the rest of my life. Having my head submerged under the water…I feel like I am going to drown. I will probably sit and work through this issue with Him after I finish writing this and hopefully get truths that will set me free from this, but we were discussing this while I was swimming.
Father reminded me of something He said to me on February 20…He was going to drown me in His love.
Drown me in His Love
Father said a lot of things that day…told me I would be betrayed…that certainly happened…but He said a lot of things about love that day that have not happened. I call Him Chief Big Talk and Chief Talks a Lot for He has made a lot of promises to me…and I have yet to see the fulfillment of any of the positive ones. Plenty on the negative side of things. I keep telling Him…I am done with words…show me some action and then I will buy what you are selling…but for now…I have no more money to invest. Completely bankrupt.
I took note though of the promise…I will drown you in my love. Connection. I saw what He did there. They are the same fear. The two coincide…my fear of drowning in the deep end of the water is just as real as my fear of drowning in His love. The deep end of love with Him. Seems foolish to me…but it is real. I think He will heal me of both simultaneously. Just a theory I suspect at this time.
Thirdly, I need a place to stand. In the deep end…I have no place to stand. I can’t plant my feet anywhere. It feels the same in the spirit realm at times…I have no solid evidence to support certain promises He has given me. I am exhausted from treading water in His deep end…having no place to rest…to land. I need out…I need rest. I need to stand…have the truth revealed so I can rest. My spiritual quads are beyond fatigued.
To Overcome
I have no clue why I am typing this all up and putting it on this site. Seems foolish to me…who cares about my swimming saga and all the little details related to it…but He says He cares…so I guess I will publish this post for Him…who does care.
I am on a journey to freedom…100% free…from all chains that bind me. One small chain has been the fear of drowning. I am going to overcome…because I am going to take pictures of those beautiful fishies under the sea. It will be His work…through His truth…but I will be free.
And…despite my fear…I want to be overwhelmed by His love…to the point of my death. If I must die by drowning in His love…then I will die by drowning.
What a way to go! 😍