Going to be brutally honest and transparent…as always. I am writing this post purely out of obedience. Obligation only. My heart is just not in it tonight. I am tired. It has been a long day for me…but Father is relentless…I must write it up. It is about grace. Giving grace to self. Let me share the inspiration behind this post.
My son needed me to come to Indiana today. He needed my John Hancock. I am constantly amazed at my willingness to sacrifice for my children. Still…when all of us are adults. 😆 I love my kids.
It is a two-hour drive one way. The drive there was a bit emotional for me. Father has been taking me down memory lane among other places the last few days. He brought up a memory of my dad. I got lost in it…I then reached over to pick up the phone to call him to reminisce with him. It hit me…he is dead. No longer here. Grief is such a crazy beast. One second you leave reality behind and you forget they are gone. Then reality smacks you in the face…hard…the tears roll again. AND I have the truth. I have the inner healing needed. Grief…crazy. 😳
Head On
Twice today…I nearly had a head-on collision.
Tonight on the way home…I came seconds from death. I was coming around a curve and a car was passing a semi…on the curve…on a country road. Out of three near head-on collisions in my life…two out of those three times, I was able to react. There “just happened” to be side roads on my right and without thinking…I quickly turned onto those side roads.
I have to thank my defensive driving skills to one of my speeding tickets MANY years ago which sent me to a defensive driving course led by a state trooper. Learned so much at that class.
Tonight…there was no time to react. I am constantly amazed at how Father has protected me over the years.
The first near head-on earlier today was my fault.
Mistakes
I am what I would call an assertive driver. Can be crazy probably at times. Have indeed had a speeding issue since the first time my foot hit the pedal. My grandmother had the same issue when she went from driving horses to having horsepower under her foot. She passed it down to my dad who passed it down to me which I passed down to my children. Not proud…just being honest and transparent. Always.
Typically…I am on it though…I am paying attention. I am a defensive driver…always alert.
I made a mistake…thankfully I was going super slow…and there was a side road to divert into.
Here is the deal. Crystal IS GRACE. Seriously…you wouldn’t believe the forgiveness and grace this old gal carries in her tool belt. I forgive. I love. I do grace…cuz I also do mistakes. I am the Queen of GRACE…giving it to self…and to others. Mistakes are allowed.
After my mistake…man…I heard my voice (in my head) start listing reasons why I was a worthless piece of shit.
Attack
That isn’t me. I used to have a self-destructive mindset. Years ago…but that is gone. It was replaced with the truth of who I am. My identity of self…is based on truth.
So…I am listening to this voice telling me the reasons why I am crazy…worthless…etc…and I am reminded of a vision I recently had. The enemy came into my home and he was trying to be intimate with me…I told him no. Then immediately…this woman…who was also the enemy…was trying to get into my house. I was running ahead of her trying to make sure every door in the house was locked before she could get to that door and get in. She was going to steal from me.
That is what the enemy does…steals from us. Steals our identity. Steals who Father created us to be.
The vision was coming to pass…the enemy wanted to be intimate with me…get into my head and heart. Steal my identity from me. Both male and female. Satan as the male. The female was a picture of a negative mindset of self he was trying to plant in my mind.
It was super interesting because while the list is being planted…the vision is playing. Then Holy Spirit said to me…what you are is…obedient. Radically obedient.
One simple mistake…the enemy was trying to use to make me spiral downwards into a pit of mental Hell.
I ran ahead and locked my mind up tightly. The enemy wasn’t allowed in.
Bobbilicious
Bobbilicious took me out to eat for dinner this evening at our favorite local restaurant. I shared with her what happened. LOVED what she said to me. I know that isn’t you because you aren’t crazy and you don’t talk about yourself in that way.
Felt so good to hear her say those things about me. My girls are so good for me. Their service and love are super appreciated…in every way.
It gets better though.
When Bobbi, Mitchell, and I took a trip to Michigan back in the fall to visit Donovan and Vanessa, I was enamored with Mitchell’s music playlists. The whole way there and the whole way back. I would hear a song and think…wow…I like this song. It is really good. Then the next one…I would think the same thing. Songs I had never heard before. Lots of songs that were not mainstream.
It reminded me of a time when I had my playlist playing when he was in high school. He would say to me…this is a good song mom. Then he would say it about the next one. Then he would say…this is a great playlist mom. 🤣 I was like…ummm…yes son…I got the music. Follow me dude.
I said the same thing to him all the way to Michigan and back. 😍
Mitchell’s Playlist
I have been meaning to ask Mitchell for his playlist since that trip. ALWAYS forgetting. ALWAYS!
After I left tonight, I realized I had forgotten AGAIN to ask him for his playlist. I picked up the phone this time. He said he would send it via Spotify.
I didn’t listen to it on the way home because I was enjoying the silence. When I got home…I opened it up. The first song on the list…Leave a Light On.
I love the piano in this song. BUT…what I love most about this song…is the story of grace. We all make mistakes and because of that…grace is available. The light…Christ…allows us to receive that grace. Repentance…sorrow for our mistakes makes it possible for us to HAVE grace.
Christ is our safety. Our safety net. Our security. Our stability. He is the light. He is grace. He is love.
Some days…I am baffled by how Father works all things together.
So thankful tonight was the night I asked Mitchell for that playlist. That song was Father reminding me He loves me. We are all allowed to make mistakes. Grace is here. Apologies are welcome.
I think I am going to leave that light on…not just for others…but for myself.
Featured Image
When I got home…I saw myself in the mirror. I liked what I saw…so I took a selfie. I remember the days in my life when I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. Those days are gone now…so thankful.
Grace. It is a spiritual muscle…exercise it. It will get stronger. What you feed will grow. Plant the seeds of Holy Spirit’s fruits…positive Christ-like character. They will grow and they will multiply. Your tree will produce good-tasting fruit for all to consume. Give Him a try. 😉