Journal Entry

I feel like this is kind of what a journal entry would be if I was someone who journaled. I am not much for journaling. Never have been. However, I do love to write so here I am. 😜

I feel led to simply share some thoughts and feelings in my head and heart from the last week or so.

Teaching

I have previously mentioned Father had me attend a tarot reading…then purchase a set of cards. His purpose…to teach me. His ways of teaching…radically different than man’s ways.

We once had an argument many years ago where I got spanked HARD. 😫

He had said on three separate occasions…FEED MY SHEEP.

The first two times…I responded ok. The third time…I was a bit hot under the collar about it.

I snapped back at Him…well then…you have to give me a platform to teach from. 🤷‍♀️

It seemed a bit foolish to me to keep repeating Himself when I had already agreed to the plan the first two times. I was exasperated about the whole thing.

Bible College

In addition to this irritation, for oodles of years, I had begged Father to let me go to Bible College. In my little mind, that was how I was going to learn about the Bible. Made sense to me. It was how I was indoctrinated in the Christian Religious System. You go to Bible College to become an expert on the Bible and all things “God.” Those educated in the systems of this world…are the experts in planting and harvesting in the fields of this world. If you want respect, clout, knowledge, credentials, expertise, and wisdom…you have to be anointed and appointed by man in the specific system you are wanting to be a part of.

Now…for me…I had absolutely no desire to get a name in any area. I simply wanted Bible knowledge on a higher level than I currently had. Reading the Bible through repeatedly…and studying like an obsessive woman…was not enough. I wanted more knowledge. Crystal Ann…was hungry for more of Him. I can’t ever get enough of Him. He is it for me.

Every time I asked if I could go to Bible College…He said no. Every single time.

Finally, I came to a boiling point, and I blew my top about the matter. I asked Him WHY…WHY won’t you let me go to Bible College?

His response shocked me…to my core.

First…He said…it would ruin you.

Yikes. So true. More indoctrination by man.

Then He asked me…why would you want to go to Bible College and sit under man’s teachings when you have ME as your teacher?

OUCH!!!!!! That hurt.

I cried. I had hurt His heart. After the tears were over, I apologized for not seeing the value of having Him as my Teacher and for wanting man’s teachings over His.

Teacher

Fast forward to the next phase of this “conversation”…aka…argument. One night…in the middle of the night…He said it for the third and final time…FEED MY SHEEP.

I started my rant with the above platform comment…then I opened the pressure cooker valve. A lot of steam had built up inside of me.

So, I say to Him…I have a LONG LIST of questions for you building up in my question queue that you STILL have NOT answered.

With all the fire in me spewing out…I shared a list of VERY important concepts I NEEDED to know…and right away. I was tired of waiting for Him to educate me on the matters.

Here is that spanking I got. You could call it a tongue-lashing as well if you prefer. Or maybe our come to Jesus moment. Whatever you want to call it…I was humbled and put in my place.

He said to me…very firmly mind you…YOU will learn WHAT I teach you…WHEN I teach you…HOW I teach you…and in WHAT ORDER I teach you.

Sufficiently spanked for the night. I apologized and shut my mouth.

Some days…I wonder why He keeps me around. I wouldn’t have put up with my sassy mouth. He must love me a whole bunch. 🤔

Study

I have been spending time like a good little girl…studying the cards like He wants me to do. 😜 Fascinating stuff if you ask me.

I have lots of questions. Always.

I always say…the more I learn…the more convinced of how little I really know. So much truth and I haven’t even learned a tiny little pixel of it.

I stay desperate for all knowledge. It is my greatest dream in life. I am waiting for the download. Been waiting a LONG time for Him.

Videos

Recently, I watched a couple of videos on YouTube. More like skimmed them. The one woman was part of the Christian Religious System…I can’t stomach much of that. BUT…Father wanted me to see snippets of a couple of her clips to start a conversation with me. He will use ANYTHING and ANYONE to start a conversation with you.

Another video was by a different woman. Again…skimmed her video too. I heard just enough to get what I needed to reflect on some thoughts and feelings He wanted to have a conversation about.

The first video was more of a teaching, whereas the second video was a discussion between two people.

The first video caused me to look at what I am doing with my life. More specifically…the teachings I have that I haven’t shared yet. What I will be doing compared to what man is currently doing.

The second video caused me to reflect on the future…by way of looking at how I have felt about my future…in the past tense. Actually, both videos had me looking at myself in the past tense.

Hannah

Another piece of the puzzle…a conversation Hannah and I had recently.

Hannah was telling me that even as a child, she KNEW she had value. I had a lot of questions about that. I wanted to know exactly what her thoughts were on her value and what made her believe she had value as a small child.

Loved her answers…but wowser…they made me look in the mirror at my own childhood again.

Hannah could see and believe certain truths about herself as a child. She saw certain gifts she had been given that were valuable.

I didn’t have that experience growing up. Honestly, it has been a fight for 52 years to love me…to see my own value and worth in this world.

The last 6-10 years have been comprised of very detailed intensive work. Me…co-laboring with Christ to clean up my self-destructive mindset. The last three years…I have started to see my value and worth in this world.

It has been an epic battle…to see myself as Father sees me. I am still growing…still working to bring it to completion.

Myself

His response was startling to me…He said…”you. I want you to LOVE you…deeply. I want you to know just how deeply I love you.”

This journey has been about falling in love with myself. Seeing me…as He sees me.

It was interesting because yesterday I stopped to fill up the tank in the truck. There was a young man getting fuel next to me. He kept looking at me. I knew he wanted to say something…just wasn’t sure what. While I was doing my thing, I was trying to sort out what he wanted. The natural thought is…he is a man…I am a woman…he is going there. 🤣

But then I think…no…he is MUCH younger than me so that CAN’T be it.

He finally works up the nerve after starting a casual conversation with me. He says to me…you are really pretty. I laughed and said thank you. I laughed because my initial thoughts were correct. Tickled me to be right. Love when my intuition is spot on.

Before he steps in the truck, he turns around and says to me…I know you are older…but you are SO pretty.

Craziest thing…it was like he had been listening to my thoughts inside. The second time he shared the compliment…he made sure to tell me…he knew I was older. It was Father. 🤷‍♀️

Broken

I have been so broken…for so long. I have been working HARD with Christ for 30 years to heal the broken places in my heart and mind. Father is the Great Healer. His truth and His love have been a healing balm for me. The work of loving myself as He loves me…is almost complete.

It has been a labor of LOVE for sure.

After the conversation with Father on the first woman’s videos, I concluded what I have to offer the world…there is no comparison.

He once said to me…I am going to place you…center stage…and it will give me great pleasure to do so.

I wasn’t looking for center stage…more on that later.

Secondly, He said to me…no one can go where you are going because no one else has done the work you have done.

At the time, I wasn’t sure what that meant exactly.

This leads me to the second woman’s video.

Fighting for the Right

Several years ago, Father kept singing The Beastie Boys’ song…Fight for Your Right. He was telling me…you have to fight for your right to celebrate. I was in a battle with the enemy…a major one. I wanted to QUIT…to lay down my sword and die. He wouldn’t let me quit. Over and over again…I would tell Him…f*** off…leave me alone. Get someone else. I am done!!! This is B.S.

I could not understand how you can say you love someone and put them through what He was putting me through. I had come to the conclusion He was abusive and cruel.

He was relentless in His pursuit of me.

We finally made up. I forgave Him and all is well in our world again…but wowser… those 5 years in Hell were H.A.R.D.

In hindsight, I needed them. As a whole burnt offering, I was devoured in the flames. Completely.

I would caution you to think very carefully about offering yourself up as a whole burnt offering. Not a pleasant experience. This is one small reason the girls say on repeat…we are not asking for the things you ask for. 😳

The Warrior

The second video brought The Warrior Queen out in me. It was needed.

There are a whole lot of women out there wanting my title and position. I have kind of just dismissed it…not really caring too much about it until this past video.

In the past, Father had me hiding in a cave for a number of years. I LOVED my cave. Man…that place was the bomb.com. Quiet…no distractions. No persecution. No one thinking I am a crazy loon. Loved the peace, safety, and security my cave afforded me. My wonderful little cocoon.

As typical of me…I threw a temper tantrum when He told me it was time to leave the cave. Goodness…not happy about that. Didn’t want to go into the cave to begin with…then I fell in love with the place and what does He do…makes me leave. That is how He works…keeps me uncomfortable. 🤦‍♀️

I used to say to Him…don’t worry about Crystal…Crystal is JUST FINE! 🤯

BUT…in this video…this woman is talking about she was given this platform by Father…and all the things she is going to do with it.

I was offended. That was Father’s point.

He wanted me to be offended that the enemy was trying to steal my birthright. My right…to celebrate 30 years’ worth of HARD LABOR.

Uhhh…no I don’t think so. HELL NO!

Work

I realized…I have worked way too hard to sit back and let the enemy steal what I worked for…and what I was created for.

Glenn and I were talking today about writing a book. I asked him what he would write about. He was sharing his thoughts. It was a fun conversation and enlightening about the man he is.

It caused me to reflect on the fact Father had told me years ago…I would write an autobiography. I always said Hell no. Not doing that. For me…I have always compartmentalized my life into little bite-sized pieces. Easier for me to handle that way.

Everyone has had traumatic experiences in life. We all have that in common.

What I realized though is…what sets me apart is how Father and I have worked through my life. He has healed those traumas for me as I have laid my life down for Him. It was teamwork. Father, Christ, Holy Spirit, and myself.

Inadequate

Here is a truth. I am inadequate. I am completely inadequate to do the work I have been called to do in my future. The other day while driving down the road, He said to me…you will lead the Bride through the Wilderness for FORTY years. WHOA!!!! Forty??? I had no idea the Second Exodus would last 40 years like the first one. I was stunned speechless for a few minutes.

After some reflection, I said to Him…I will be 92 when this is done. NINETY-TWO!!!! Goodness, that is a long time.

I agreed to it…on a condition…not limited to, but including this condition. (I get the right to add more conditions as they come up. 🤩 I have learned the hard way. No more walking all over me.)

I said to Him…I will do it…BUT you gotta knock off 30 years for the 30 years of intensive labor for you. I will lead until I am 92 but I want to look, feel, and act like I am 62. If you can’t do that for me…no deal.

Waiting on His decision on it. I thought I saw a smile, so I feel rather secure in my condition being granted and added to our LIFE contract. We keep adding to it. It is a growth in progress.

Arrogance

After watching the woman claiming my platform, I asked Father…what do you think of that. He said to me…it is ambition. Selfish ambition. She has taken it and ran with it. She is planning on building her kingdom. Building her platform.

Man…I see that every single day in the world.

Made complete sense to me.

It reminded me of an evangelist who came to town once, claiming he had raised a bunch of people from the dead. He was sharing with the people…all of his “accomplishments.” He had brought thousands into the kingdom of God he said.

After he was done babbling…I asked Father…what do you say about all that. He said…”he thinks WAY too highly of himself.”

So funny. Such a funny way to say…that man is full of arrogance and pride.

Celebration

I am going to celebrate. I am going to celebrate the work I have done for 30 years to get to this place and no man, woman, or child…nor demon from Hell is going to detour me from this road I am on. No one is going to stop me or distract me. No one is going to separate me from my destiny and the job I was created to do.

This position has cost me my entire life. It has cost me two marriages. I have been hated and persecuted by people I dearly loved. The price I have paid to get to this place with Father…no other human being is willing to pay. THAT is why He chose me for this place…I have pursued HIM for 30 years…not a name…not a title…not fame…not fortune…nor the praises of man. I have passionately pursued the man of my dreams…the love of my life.

He constantly reminds me…it is the most beautiful love story ever written. I guess at some point in time I will write that story…my assumption is…He is talking about me writing that story. 🤷‍♀️ Shouldn’t assume with Him, but my gut says that is one of my tasks.

Position

I guess I needed to watch those videos to see the value and worth of the work I have done over the years. I needed to get my dander worked up. He likes to poke at me sometimes to get me all good and worked up. It worked. I am all riled up about it.

My thoughts…remind me of what Hannah says to me on occasion when I get some crazy idea in my head. To all the people who are trying to steal my platform…I repeat Hannah’s words…sit your ass down and shut your mouth.

YOU didn’t do the work…so you don’t get the position, honey. You don’t get my bed. We made it…I will lay in it with Him, thank you very much! His heart…belongs to me.

This position…is gargantuan in size. The task is Ginormous. Not man-sized…but deity-sized. The preparation, training, and requirements take years to work through. The purification process is beyond what man can imagine. It is mind-boggling to think some people believe they have been called to this position when they haven’t done the work to receive the position…to receive Him. To be first…you must be last. L.A.S.T.

This position takes a woman lying flat on her back in humble submission to let Him have His way with her. NOT a woman who is going to do it her way…but a woman who says to Him…I will lay my life down…to do it YOUR way. It is ALL about you honey…not one iota about me. Humble submission on levels man can’t understand.

Honor

I wasn’t looking for center stage, but after 30 years of intensive labor…that no one else has done…I EARNED the position. I earned the place to stand there. NO ONE else has earned the right. I alone earned that right.

I will take it and I will honor the work He and I have done. Instead of seeking my own ambitions…I will seek to honor His ambitions. We will do it HIS WAY…not man’s way. That is what it will take to get His job done…Him…doing the job His way…in His time…through a woman submitted 100%. A woman committed 100% to Him. Christ is the way. He will be elevated because He is coming to claim His throne.

There ya go…now ya know how I feel about the matter.

Have a MARVY DAY!!!!!