Esther

I have had a love-hate relationship with the whole “Esther” saga/drama. The pain of it all for the last 30+ years…not a fan. The labor has been intensive. The hatred directed at me throughout my 52 years…unbelievable. I am an extremist and excessive…my life has been a picture of who I am. Everything seems to be extreme and excessive. Guess it is a good thing I gravitate to excessive and extreme. If not, I wouldn’t have made it through it. 🤷‍♀️

I feel led to share here in this post some of the emotional and spiritual struggles rooted in this past year related to the “Esther” saga. Since this is already going to be a long post…as all posts on my LIFE Conversations page are…I will only share pieces of the puzzle from this past weekend. That is long enough. 😆

I am nearing completion of this journey as it has been…and I am coming to a place where my life will be reset. A new beginning. New life. A new era in time. I can hardly wait for this drama/saga to be over 100%. Completely done. Finished. Ready for a completely different life…lifestyle. Can’t come soon enough in my opinion. 🤨

Rewiring the House

In order to transform my self-thoughts from destructive to constructive…negative to positive…dark to light…Father completely rewired my mind.

The analogy…vision He gave me many years ago was of an older home being completely rewired. All the wiring had to be completely stripped out of the home. Once the old wiring was removed. All new wiring had to be fed into those tiny channels within the walls. Old wiring boxes had to be removed and all new ones installed to replace them.

Another analogy…vision He gave me was of all new plumbing being installed in the house. All the old pipes had to be removed before the new ones could be installed.

Those are just two of the analogies He gave me regarding the process I went through…what He did to my mind. Every single thought had to be taken captive.

E.V.E.R.Y.

S.I.N.G.L.E.

T.H.O.U.G.H.T.

Seriously?

When He first told me EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT…I nearly passed out. I was physically sick. Horror can’t describe my emotions at that moment. I said to Him…do you have ANY idea how many thoughts I think in just ONE day’s time alone???? You can’t be serious. 🤯

He was. 🤯

I can’t begin to describe to any human being just how excruciating that process was for me. All the while…Satan and his minions decided my mind, my heart, and my life were going to be their playground. Their goal…complete and total annihilation of me. Absolute destruction.

While Satan meant to destroy me in my time chained in Hell, Father used that time to rebuild me.

My house has all new wiring and plumbing…so the signal is high…and the water flows freely through my pipes.

Hannah always says my signal is high…I have 5G reception…Vanessa says I am the signal. I am the reception…the tower. 🤔

Compass

The vision was of a compass. I was behind the compass looking down at the compass. It was facing the same direction I was facing. The dial was pointing south. As I was thinking…my thoughts began to move to my left. Father and the dial were pushing my thoughts to the East. They stopped at the location of straight East. Directly pointing at what is also the number three on the hands of a clock. The compass was also a clock. It was moving counterclockwise while I was looking over and down at the clock/compass. All those thoughts were in a jumbled pile at the three…straight East…on my left…counterintuitive.

He then began to sing what sounded like Cher singing If I Could Turn Back Time…but He was singing I WILL turn back time. I will turn back the hands of time.

He was saying so much to me as He was singing and going through the motions here on the compass/clock. He will turn back the time for me. The times of thinking so poorly of myself. It seems and feels counterintuitive to me now…but it will become natural for me then. I will have a new normal. I will find my way. The Way He has created for me to go. The Way I have been searching for.

So much more contained there but that is what I feel led to share here in this moment in this post. Honestly, I believe I already know the way…I just need to connect with it. I will. Crystal Ann Laura is getting there. S.L.O.W.L.Y. I am like the turtle…SUPER SLOW…but I will win the race.

Log Jam

Prior to leaving for the Expo, I had a log jam in my mind. A dam of confusion and chaos. Drives me absolutely bonkers when the water dams up. I become obsessed with busting the log jam to smithereens. I don’t even want splinters left behind. The whole thing must go. I need the water to flow smoothly thank you very much.

Let me share some of the logs that obstructed the water…His word/truth from flowing in my mind. Clarity is peace. No clarity…no peace. No peace…disgruntled Crystal Ann who is obsessed with getting peace back. I flow in peace. 🤨

After watching a number of YouTube Esther videos…I had questions. LOTS of questions for Father. Lots of INSECURITIES in my relationship with Him…feelings about the work I have done for the last 30+ years. Lot of trust issues regarding His faithfulness to me in our relationship.

Esther Movement

Years ago, maybe 4-6 years ago, I “stumbled” upon a prophecy about an Esther movement that would happen.

Oh boy…SUPER triggered by that. SUPER triggered. I was hot under the collar thinking there were a bunch of women out there in the world that were being prepared like I was. I had a lot of words to say to Him about that. It took a few days, but He calmed me down with something He said to me during that time. He said…Crystal…there is only ONE Queen.

He was right…there was only one Queen Esther.

It settled the matter for me back then and we moved forward with the work I was currently immersed in.

Earlier this year, I saw the face of a Christian video…didn’t watch the video…just saw the title and moved on. The title of the video was something about 2023 being the year of Esther.

Recently Father had me go back and watch small bits of that video along with a number of other videos put out by other Christian women talking about Esther. The Esther Movement…the Esther Anointing as they call it…etc. All things Esther.

It certainly is true that 2023 has been the year of Esther. Goodness!!! Women are coming out of the woodwork claiming they are Esther and/or they have the Esther “anointing.” Wowser bowser man…Esther is everywhere in the liberal side of the Christian Religious System. The charismatic and apostolic people are putting out a bunch of stuff regarding the Esther “anointing/mantle.”

Questions

This led to some questions from me to Father. I was JAMMED up in a number of places over the things these “prophets” are prophesying. Their interpretations of their prophecies had me even more jammed up. SUPER TRIGGERED. SUPER.

While sorting through the wheat and the tares here…I discovered I was insecure. Super insecure in my relationship with Father. Not on my side of the relationship…but on His side of it.

Ok…so first of all…He chained me in Hell for five years. That…tested every belief I have ever had about Him…on every level a belief can sit. On top of that…I wandered around in the Wilderness through part of that…homeless…no income…and owning very very little. Father bought my food. He supplied my daily bread and manna. Now…we have a whole new level of mind blown about questioning who He is. On top of that…I am hated and persecuted by people I dearly love. The PAIN of rejection at a level no man can understand. Only He…can understand that kind of pain. He too…was crucified for those who rejected Him. Excruciating on a whole new level of excruciating.

Before Hell…I trusted Him completely. In the middle of Hell…serious PTSD and trust issues with Him developed. Serious. 🤨 I have valid reasons regarding my trust issues with Him and my insecurities regarding how He thinks and feels about me.

Dream

In one video by a Christian woman, she shared a dream she had about the Esther Movement. I don’t remember most of the dream. Only one part of that dream Father pinned for me. In this dream, a multitude of women were lined up two by two. Each of them had their crowns. They were all celebrating with each other instead of being jealous of each other because they realized each had “worked” for their crown.

This part of the dream really got me worked up…for a number of reasons.

One it made me think Father had lied to me about there being only one Queen.

I understand that to a man…his wife is to be his queen. For me…if these women were receiving crowns as in marriage to the husband Father created for her…I am good with that. You all can be a crown to your husband. If so…kudos to you. Got no beef with that. That is biblical and right.

If you are a woman accepting Christ as your crown…as He is King…I am golden. Good there.

In Mass

But…if Father was crowning all these women in mass…WOWSER BOWSER…I am going blow a gasket ALL over Him. NOT going to be pretty.

I told Him…if you crown one other woman in addition to crowning me…you can keep my f-ing crown, and you can shove my crown up your backside.

I don’t NEED your crown. Don’t NEED you to tell me I am beautiful. Don’t NEED you to honor me. I don’t NEED you to make me wealthy cuz honey I have been living in poverty for years. Listen here…I can go make money my own way. I don’t NEED you to love me because I LOVE me. I KNOW I have value and worth.

In order to settle me down, He asked me a couple of questions. He asked, “Where did those women get their crowns?”

My response was, “They already had them.”

His next question fixed my issue. He asked, “Where is your crown?”

With sass…I responded…”Well, I don’t know…I am still waiting for you to put it on my head.” 🤷‍♀️

There ya go. 🤔

Appointing

I was reminded of the liberal side of the Christian Religious System. A whole lot of self-appointed prophets and apostles there.

Throughout the entire Christian Religious System, you will find a lot of man-appointed pastors, teachers, evangelists, etc.

Just because you have a title in this realm, does not mean Father recognizes your “position” in the Spirit realm.

We have a lot of people claiming to be prophets and apostles in this world…doesn’t mean Father appointed them to those offices. Those are HARD offices to fill. Pain and sacrifices come with it when He fills that office. I can’t remember ever in the Bible a wealthy famous prophet who was popular and well-received by the people. NOT ONE. Which apostle was NOT martyred for Christ? John…BUT…he was boiled in oil…failed to die…but wow!! Judas killed himself because he realized what he had just done to the Messiah. He was the betrayer of his deliverer. Just reflect for a moment on who Father puts in HIGH positions…those who lay down their lives and die for Him. Now you just think about what you see in the Christian Religious System modern day. Think about them apples for a minute. 🤔 🤯

If you want to buy yourself a crown and put it on your head…go right ahead. Doesn’t bother me one bit. What matters to me…is the head Father is putting a crown on. It better be mine…and only mine. I did NOT sign up and do all this work to be part of a harem. No, thank you.

The Wilderness

It is like so many who are claiming they have been in the Wilderness. Life struggles do not equal the Wilderness. Entering the Wilderness is a whole new level of struggle. The Wilderness is a place you go to DIE to your flesh. It is a training camp that zaps your flesh from you…a slow painful death. A HARD PLACE TO live and a HARD PLACE TO die. It is a whole new level of learning just how dependent you are on Father to provide for your EVERY need.

The Israelites wandered around in the Wilderness for 40 years. While doing so…they were homeless. In poverty. They relied on Father to provide their food and water…daily.

Jesus went to the Wilderness for 40 days to fast and be with Father. NO FOOD! It was there He was tempted by the enemy. It was in the Wilderness…a place of misery…that Satan said to Him…I will give you this world if you will bow to me. Not much of a temptation for Christ I don’t believe…but I find it fascinating…and profound that it was in the Wilderness that Satan chose to tempt Him. No other location in 30 years other than…the Wilderness. NOT a pleasant place.

John the Baptist lived in the Wilderness. His diet while there…locust and wild honey.

The Wilderness represents something MUCH greater than struggles my friends. MUCH greater.

Another Dream

Another dream that got me jammed up was by a Christian woman who said she saw women who were all dressed in camo. They were linked arm in arm and then their clothes all turned into bridal dresses.

My insecurity…there was this army of women who had been hidden but were actually Esther’s. (This would indicate Father had lied to me.)

But…this dream brought several things to mind.

It reminded me of a frequent conversation with an old mentor of mine. She called some Christians…camo Christians. I didn’t like the term because I felt like the word camo didn’t really convey what she meant. Regarding her mindset and the word, I told her…you mean chameleon.

She was saying that a lot of Christians act like one on Sundays but then behave unChristlike all week long. It triggered her severely. Those people are more chameleon-like in my mind because they change shape and colors depending on who they are with and what the situation is. They don’t stand on convictions of truth. As the saying goes…if you don’t stand for something…you will fall for anything. Sing it Aaron!

As my old mentor would say…we have a lot of camo Christians. I would say…we got a lot of chameleon Christians. This dream reminded me of people who change colors with the latest situation. Jumping on every bandwagon that drives by in this world. EstherMeToo!

Training

As Father and I continued to discuss this dream, He started to remind me…and alleviate some insecurity in me. For the Bride of Christ to be ready…she has to go through training. He reminded me of the fact He said to me…Hannah is a picture to me of the state of the Bride. Neither is ready to be a wife right now. At this point… too much living and breathing flesh remains. The flesh must die for Him to return and have a blissful marriage reunion between the two.

In addition to spiritual training needed, the Bride needs healing. Goodness!!!! We are a broken people and a broken society. Our pasts…are horrible. Broken children raising broken children. Children can’t raise adults. You can’t raise someone past the point of where you are emotionally and spiritually. If you are a ten-year-old adult emotionally, dead spiritually, and you are 50 years old in your physical body…your children are a mess unless Christ gets to them somewhere down their path.

Rebirth

Man needs rebirth…through Christ…and then they need to be raised up.

The Bride of Christ needs to grow up. She (in part) needs to be raised from the spiritual dead…and then go through the maturation process. That takes time. YEARS to mature and develop.

A Vision

The vision was of a lavender children’s book. Much like the ones I read to my granddaughter to put her down for her naps in the afternoon. I saw paper dolls. Like the ones you fold the paper to make. You fold the paper and cut out the shape of a doll. Then you unfold the paper, and all the dolls are hand in hand. The book was a thin board book and when I opened it, the dolls were hand in hand much like paper dolls.

Two thoughts came to mind.

One…they all looked the same. Carbon copies of one another.

Two…they were all little girls.

Prophecy

Something I have been saying to Him as a result of all this prophecy study is this. If these “prophets” are speaking truth…you have hidden people in the Wilderness and while there…you are raising up David’s, Ruth’s, Esther’s, etc…then why do you need me?

He has said clearly to me…you will lead the Bride through a 40-year Wilderness journey. I know the Way. I am a pioneer…I KNOW how to make it through that horrible desolate place. Crystal Ann Laura lived it. While there, I paved a road for others to follow. You want to know how to survive in that shit hole, I can tell you.

“Prophets” are saying no Wilderness…after He leads the people out of slavery. Just good times and all is well.

If it is true we have all these wonderful leaders hidden somewhere waiting to pop out and appear…I am not needed.

If all these wonderful leaders are ready to go…to go take that Promised Land…then I am not needed. I matter not.

If all is going to be well and good…not only am I not needed…He is not needed. When man is prosperous, healthy, and has life by the balls…man forgets all about Father. Cuz life is good, and they don’t NEED god. 🤷‍♀️

Man tends to beg “God” when times are tough and rough. Then…and only then do they see how little power and control they have. That is when the flesh goes to a place to die.

Mother

I was repeating myself to Him on the way to Michigan about the fact I felt like I was not needed because all these prophecies paint a pretty rosy picture of the near future. My question was…what am I needed for?

His response…My children need a mother. I need a wife.

This raising up of leaders needs to be done. The children need to be raised up in His ways. I was reminded of the scriptures where He tells us to raise up the children in the Way they should go so they don’t depart from it. It is why He had me homeschool my children years ago. I must continue that journey…to homeschool His children. To raise them up in the way they should go. His way. To live their lives His way…not the ways of man…the ways of the flesh.

Going your way or any man’s way…is death to your soul. It will cost you more than you can afford to pay and more than you want to pay.

Riverfront

During this several-day conversation, Father woke me up and told me to head to the riverfront trail with Tonto. I was supposed to take my crystals…rocks with me…along with my Crystal Witch book. The vision I saw was of me taking water from the river and “anointing” the book with it. Dedicating the book to Father through the water…the Word. Christ is the living water. He is the River of Life through the water that flows from His mouth by His Spirit.

When I got to the riverfront, it was so grown up…I couldn’t get down to the water. I was in shorts and the place was covered in poison ivy. No way I was going to walk through that mess. Since I couldn’t dip the river water and place it on the book. I asked Him what He wanted me to know…what truth was I there to hear?

One of my struggles with this whole Esther Movement is the Esther “anointing” they all claim to have. The liberal side of the Christian Religious System drives me nuts with all the hype contained within. They love to stir up hype. Bigamize everything. Everything is super spiritual and grandiose. Most of the time…I have no idea what in the Hell they are talking about.

One time I listened to a leader talking about the shift that just took place. She was saying…didn’t you feel that shift that just happened. Everyone was shaking their heads in agreement and amazement. I was perplexed. What are you talking about??? Did you say someone just took a shit?? Cuz that is what I smell here…man’s bull shit.

Anointing

All these “anointings” feel the same way to me. Smells like someone took a shit. So…I have been asking Father…what is this Esther “anointing” everyone keeps talking about. Did you say that? If so…what does that even mean?

He shared with me…what He wants…is obedience. Dedication. Service. A heart dedicated and devoted to obeying Him. To obey His commands. His rules for our Household. He anointed His priesthood…to be obedient servants.

If you are going to say you have the anointing from Father…then let me ask you this question. Are you obedient to Him? Do you obey His commands daily? Are you sold out to Him? 100%?

Your obedience is the evidence you are consecrated to Him. If you are a disobedient…lawless child going your own way…you do not have the fruit of an “anointing.”

Don’t sit there with your fake boobs, fake hair color, lip implants, smoking your cigarette in fully contoured makeup, while drinking your caramel latte, racking up followers from posting selfies and posts all about you because you are addicted to social media and all that attention from both men and women cuz you haven’t dealt with your emotional garbage…and tell me that you have the Esther “anointing” or that you are Esther or that you are like Esther. Especially not if you are sitting in the pews of the Christian Religious System. That is disappointing…not an appointing for an anointing honey. You are seriously deceived if you think that is the way for Father to honor you and lift you up. Honey…you gotta go low before He will take you higher.

Set Apart

One of my issues with this whole Esther Movement has been the commonality of it. Everybody and their dog think they are an Esther.

Baffles me. Absolutely baffles me. So, we are chasing after a dead woman and her “anointing?” What the Hell????

Reminds me of the liberal Christians who go to graves to suck the anointing out of the famous dead person. GROSS!!!!!!!

Now you see why no one knew where Moses was buried?

Man???? Children??? 🤷‍♀️

Unique

When I think about what Esther did…I feel like she should be set apart. Esther was uniquely her. No one else is like Esther. I feel like it dishonors the work she did and the woman she was for everyone to try and be like her.

Personally, I want to be remembered as me. I am uniquely me. Esther was set apart in her own unique way for what she did at the time.

She was in a horrible position. She was forced to marry a sexual pervert who ditched his wife because she wasn’t willing to be put on display to a bunch of drunk men. Would you want to marry a man like that?????

Then she has to spend a year getting all beautified to whose standards??? The people giving her the beauty treatments? A pervert? Then to be escorted into the King’s bedroom for him to use her for sex to decide whether she was acceptable to him or NOT? After how many other women in front of her were escorted into that man’s bedroom???

Then she is chosen. Whoopie! He thinks she is acceptable.

WOW! But wait…there is more.

Marriage

Ok…now…what kind of marriage did she have with him? NOT good. She is TERRIFIED for her LIFE just to approach him. 🤯

No warm fuzzies there.

No security for her in how he feels about her, right? If she KNEW he loved her…she would NOT be terrified for her life. She would feel secure in approaching him because she would believe he wouldn’t kill her for talking to him.

Ok…so she approaches him. He isn’t going to kill her. BUT…he sure isn’t willing to die for her. He says to her…I will give you UP TO HALF my kingdom. UP TO HALF????

Wow…thanks buddy for laying your life down for me there.

To save the Israelites for her…no skin off his back.

Esther only had “love” when that man wanted to use her for sex. Esther was not a wife who was loved by her husband. She was a showpiece for him. A virgin trophy.

She sacrificed a loving marriage to a man of her own tribe and nation for Father. She sacrificed her virginity and her heart for Father.

Please…do NOT dishonor Esther by saying you are like her if you haven’t laid your life down for Father the way Esther did.

Esther obeyed Father LONG before she approached her pagan husband.

No amount of fame or fortune can equal love, intimacy, and unity in a marriage.

Esther has been honored because of the priceless sacrifices she made in her heart for Father.

Esther Me Too

Honey, you better count the cost before you say Esther Me Too.

Are you willing to marry a man who uses and abuses you for sex if Father tells you to?

Willing to marry a man who is unequally yoked with you if Father tells you to?

Are you willing to go to bed with the enemy if Father tells you to?

Willing to spend your entire life married to a man who refuses to lay down his life for you if Father tells you to?

Are you willing to give up your virginity…the most precious thing you have and give that virginity to a man who will never love you…if Father tells you to?

Virginity was a BIG DEAL to the Patriarchal society of the Israelites. It was valuable to the community back then…completely unlike it is in today’s society.

Are you really willing to lay down your HEART…not just your LIFE…but your HEART for Father if He asks you to?

Listen honey…that is what I DID. I laid my heart down and let the enemy absolutely destroy it…all for Father. Because my heart beats for Father.

Humility

He elevates those who have voluntarily lowered themselves. The first shall be last and the last shall be first. That is how it works in His Kingdom.

The Spirit is counterintuitive to man’s flesh. Man’s flesh fights to live while the Spirit lives to die.

Being a living sacrifice is daily dying to what you want to live for so He gets what He wants from you.

IT IS AWFUL! No joke.

Your foot…does not fit in my glass slipper. It never will. This shoe…belongs to me. I have walked in these shoes on this path. My feet are fitted and ready to go.

The truth is coming for me. I will walk in it. I will be crowned with it. I am the vessel who has been prepared for Father’s coming.

He does not reside in a house built by the hands of man. He resides in a house He has built. This home has been built by Him. Completely remodeled to accommodate His Truth. I am waiting on the crown He has promised me. That crown belongs to me…and me alone.