Interesting title…don’t ya think? I think. It is a phrase I have been saying in my head…and out loud on repeat for days now. If I die, I die. That is exactly how I have been feeling about things. Quite perplexing if you ask me. Father’s ways are quite baffling. A man of GREAT mystery.
Not really sure what is happening in my life currently. Also, not sure how this story is going to play out…but guaranteed to find out soon. 🔜 😂 🤷♀️
I have a lot of words to use. Before I share about my possible impending death…I want to talk a bit about my kids and grandkids first. They rank up there in my world if you haven’t noticed by now. Pretty special people if you ask me. 😍
Let’s talk about the photos in this post.
One…you will see a photo of me in my painting attire. There is a story behind this shirt…and it ties in with death. Funny crazy weird how Father does that. Everything is intertwined…all the time. Everything is connected if you have eyes to see the connections.
Painting
I can’t tell you how many hours I have painted in my lifetime thus far. Too many to count. I was telling Vanessa…I only do this for people I love. ❤️😂 I shared with her a story of when Dad, Tammy, and I did a huge landscaping project at my home. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!! Let me say that again…BEAUTIFUL.
Tammy is a master class landscaper and I learned MUCH from that beautiful woman. We worked hard. When Dad and I drove to the store to get something, we ran into an acquaintance while there. The man asked Dad if he would come to his house next. Dad’s reply…I only do this for people I love. 😂
Fast forward years later, I was painting the mobile home I had purchased. A friend brought me a ladder so I could reach the top edges of my home. The entire trailer park was a buzz with me as the topic. I had an audience as people would stop by and give me feedback. The consensus was…I was doing a great job.
My neighbor friend who has MS decided she wanted to paint the outside of her home. Seeing her on the second rung of that ladder convinced me she had no business going any higher. I walked over to her and said…let me paint your home when I get finished with mine.
She said…I have no money to pay you. I told her…I am not charging you…I am doing it out of love. She let me paint her home and was thrilled with the results. As neighbors tried to hire me to paint theirs…I said I only do this for love. 😜
Sleeveless
In a previous post, I mentioned while painting one particular wall, I stripped my clothes off because I felt like I was going to have a heat stroke. While painting stripped down, I realized…I had previously painted this way. It became my M.O. painting this house too. Because Donovan is on a timeline here…he took a day off work to help us girls get stuff done. That morning, I realized I was going to have to wear clothes. Didn’t think my adult son would appreciate my painting attire. 😂
I told Vanessa…I need a short-sleeved shirt of yours I can destroy. She came up with the above shirt. She said…it is too small for me. I put the thing on, and it was too small for me as well. The sleeves were constricting my movements. I told Vanessa…get a pair of scissors and cut the sleeves off. She did. I was proud of my new painting shirt. Those are her jeans as well. 😂 I didn’t bring any throw-away clothes.
An Old Friend
The missing sleeves remind me of a man I went to school with. He was hysterical. His stories were always super funny to listen to…a great storyteller. So real too. He spent most of his life in sleeveless shirts. His wife told me the story of their wedding day. She said her mother had bought him a brand-new shirt to get married in. (We were in high school still.) She said to me…I’ll be damned if he didn’t take a pair of scissors to it and cut the sleeves off. 😂 Her mother bought him the shirt so he would HAVE sleeves on. The guy was priceless. 😜
Last summer I was perusing the obituaries looking to see Dad’s again. While sorting through them, I found the obit of my old classmate. I share that story somewhere on this blog. By the time he saw the doctor, his body was consumed with cancer dying shortly thereafter. I will never see a sleeveless shirt and NOT think of him. Never have. Never will.
Yesterday’s Adventures
Secondly…our adventures from yesterday. The U-Haul was loaded, and things got packed away in the storage unit. The kids went camper shopping as you will see in one of the photos. Things are progressing along rather nicely here on the ole homestead. Donovan has sold a ton of stuff…including the chickens.
While the adults were doing adult things, Grandma and the grandkids did fun stuff. During my homeschooling years, the kids and I dissected critters…and poop. Vanessa got Ahnalaya Ann a couple of owl pellets (💩) to dissect. Since I have done this with my children and Vanessa isn’t really into that kind of thing, she elected me the job of helping Ahnalaya Ann do the deed. We did the deed.
You will see in the photos the bones of the little critters that the owl consumed and then got rid of. We had a critter identification guide for the pooped-out bones.
When she was done finding all the bones, she wanted to rebuild the animals. 😂 After her parents got home, I let them explain to her again why she couldn’t rebuild the animals and why she couldn’t keep them. She wasn’t happy about throwing the whole thing away.
It was fun getting to experience a bit of the past with the present in a new generation. Homeschooling is super fun…and wonderful family bonding. 😍
Nature
The grandkids and I took a hike while the parents were away. We got back home just as Mom and Dad were pulling into the driveway. The featured image is a photo of Ahnalaya Ann with a moth she found. The image is a bit blurry…I am aware. I considered NOT using it…but it is part of the story…so I am. That being said…just scroll past it quickly and it won’t appear too blurry. OR…you can just squint a bit and maybe that won’t be as painful. 😂 I am using the photo no matter what. Just roll with it. Humor me please and thank you. 🙏 💙
I have accidentally gotten my granddaughter obsessed with Pinterest. She has taken over my iPad and my account. Did you know you can spend hours on there watching nature videos???? I didn’t know that…until now. Every kind of critter has a picture and/or video linked on Pinterest. She has gotten lost in the world of Pinterest. She is five. I have now seen critters I didn’t know existed in this world. SUPER educational.
She is currently sitting on top of the island while I type…watching Pinterest videos…constantly saying…Grandma look at this.
Hard to get anything done. She has her own iPad…my old one. 🤨 Vanessa laughs at me…she says…you started this. You always start stuff like this. 😂 Truth. 🤷♀️ I fail to think through things before I do them at times.
Speaking of that…this is a GREAT transition point into the topic of this post…IF I DIE, I DIE. 😳
Long Story
It is such a long story, I don’t even want to share it. How do I decide what to leave out? All the puzzle pieces are important in building the whole picture…yet it sounds crazy. I feel Father wants me to share it…although I would rather stay silent.
Again…I say to people…no one has questioned my sanity more than I have. That is important to this story I call life.
Vanessa was sharing with me a convo she and Donovan had once upon a time ago about me. Donovan said…there are some concerns…he then listed them.
Vanessa laughed and said…we have thoroughly discussed every one of those…for hours…for years. Did you think we aren’t smart enough to consider each of those things? I have told my sons…on repeat…no one has questioned my sanity more than me. It’s a thing for our family. Mom appears to be nutso. I am accustomed to this lifestyle by now. It is why I am hidden. Have been hidden for years.
People question my sanity…often. 🤣
I so get it. Not even mad at them. It is hard to offend me after 30-plus years of living such an extreme lifestyle with Father.
🤷♀️
Autoimmune
Following a nasty horrible no-good divorce, I landed myself in the Autoimmune disease world. The stress destroyed my physical body costing me thousands of dollars, years of chronic pain, and despair…among other things. Living with chronic illness wears on your soul…not just your physical body.
I remember the beginning of the mess. I had been having chest pain for a while but not telling anyone about it. It progressively got worse. Finally, I decided I might be having a heart attack, so I told the kids…I am going to the hospital. When I arrived, they admitted me to the heart hospital. I called a family member who took charge of the kids for me.
After much testing, the doctor told me I would be on medicine for the rest of my life. If I didn’t take the medicine, I would die. I was already convinced by then…death was going to occur if intervention didn’t happen in some way. I told him…I am not going to be on this medicine for the rest of my life. That isn’t acceptable to me. I will find a way.
The Doctor
He was a super sweet man. One I will never forget and will forever be grateful for. At the time, I was a single mom with no insurance and no income. Sounds familiar. This time my kids are adults, and I am homeless. Similar situation…just a bit more dire this time.
I shared my story with the doctor…I had no insurance. Since his office didn’t take patients without insurance, I was going to be without a doctor. He was a man who loved Father. As a result, he said to me…I am going to treat you for free. It will be on my dime…as a ministry to you from Father. He was a gem. Those days with him…forever imprinted in my mind. He is not the only doctor who has bent over backward for me on their own dime.
As Dad always said…the good Lord is smiling down on me.
The Second Episode
The first stay in the heart hospital was due to a lack of meds.
Fast forward years, while pursuing health with natural health practitioners, I ended up in the hospital a second weekend due to an overdose of meds. I fired that doctor. 🤦♀️ 🤣
Again…the chest pain took my breath away. This time I was…carried…kind of dragged into the ER with my ex on one side and Donovan on the other side of me. I couldn’t walk and was blacking out…having trouble staying in touch with reality.
At the end of the ride to the hospital, I was telling my sons goodbye in case I didn’t make it. Told them things I felt like I needed to say.
It was a hard weekend…hard week recovering from that episode.
I share these pieces of the puzzle to show you that I know intimately the consequences of having no meds…and/or the wrong doses of meds. I know what it does to my body. The pain…not unaware. Also…I know the progression and the end results.
I have been under good doctor care for years while working on getting freedom and healing from Father…in all three bodies.
Next Step
I have no more medicine. My prescription ran out…and Father closed the door to the doctor who prescribed it to me.
I have been seeking Father’s direction and plan on this matter for months now. I knew I was going to need a new prescription.
While painting the house, I thought maybe I should try Urgent Care and see if they could renew a prescription for me. I did actually give it a try. They refused to treat me. I didn’t see that coming…but wasn’t surprised. It was highly amusing to me. The nurse pulled me back in to chat with me since I was private pay. I shared why I was there…after consulting the doctor, they said they couldn’t help me. I needed to see a primary care doctor. She also told me the ER would tell me the same thing.
It was kind of funny because she knew my story…we are leaving Michigan. I have no money…no insurance and won’t be able to get a primary care doctor here before I leave. Can’t go back to the doctor I had…so she says to me with a smile on her face…I hope you will be ok. 😂
My response to her…I smiled and said…it will be what it will be.
Hence…If I Die, I Die.
Hannah
Hannah has been very concerned with this situation for the last couple of months now. We have been discussing it as I have moved along this path. I was sensing Father was shutting the door to the medical community months ago. It has made me wonder what was going to happen to me.
I have mentioned previously Hannah amuses me greatly. She uses the least amount of words as possible when speaking. Yet…she packs such a powerful punch with such few words.
The other night she sent me a text. One word…triggered.
She had me in stitches of laughter with that one word.
I can’t remember how I responded but she said…can we work through it over the phone? If you don’t want to…then I will just be on the phone with you and stay quiet.
Isn’t that sweet? I was so touched by that. Even if I didn’t want to hear her talking…she would sit on the phone with me in silence. Wow…no one has ever said that to me before.
I told her…sure…we can talk on the phone. We spent several hours that night chatting about my situation.
Peace
I told Hannah…I have spent 48 full hours processing this place I am in…and I have peace about it. I want to go home, and Heaven is my home. This ole gal is ready to go home.
She was pretty emotional about the whole thing. Didn’t want to lose me…but she decided everything I was saying sounded right to her.
The next morning, she sent me a text saying she woke up with more peace about the situation. Still didn’t want to lose me…but had more peace.
I was sharing with Hannah different parts of the discussion I had been having with Father. I will share a tiny bit of that here.
Father brought to mind the time I lived with Dad watching him die from cancer. Willie Nelson’s version of the song Whispering Hope was a powerful song during that time. It has always been painful for me to watch the people I love die. To watch them slowly waste away by the death process. It never gets any easier…no matter how many times you go through that with someone.
As Father and I discussed the pain I would have to endure…that breathtaking chest pain…He reminded me of our conversations about Dad’s last days.
The pain process…has purpose. The end result is to enter into your eternal home.
Dad didn’t stop to exist. He merely changed locations. He exhaled here on Earth and inhaled his next breath in Heaven. When Father shared truths with me while Dad was dying…it helped make his journey to the other side comforting to me. For him. Still painful to let him go on my end…but for him…he was being set free from this world.
Freedom
I asked Father…what are you doing here with my health issue. He said…I am setting you free.
Does that mean with my death? Idk. Not sure still.
Also…I shared with Hannah…it feels a bit like Abraham and Isaac. The sacrifice. Abraham was promised Jesus Christ…Yeshua Messiah would come through Isaac’s loins. The Seed was promised through Isaac. Abraham had to be perplexed as to why Father would ask him to kill the very son…the Seed as Christ was supposed to come through. My thoughts…he must have thought…Father can most certainly raise him from the dead. He will kill him for Father…then Father will raise him from the dead in order to fulfill His promise to Abraham. 🤷♀️
I was telling Hannah…maybe as the Second Eve…the female Christ…I have to physically die. If so, He will raise me from the dead…just like He did Christ.
I have no idea.
All I know is…I am ready to go home. It is a pleasant thought to me…thinking of seeing Dad again. Seeing my beloved grandmother. Dad could hardly wait to see her again. Death here…can be freedom if you are entering eternity in Heaven with Father. A blessing…not a curse.
Vision
My uncle who was confined in a wheelchair for 40 years said…there are worse things than death. He knew pain intimately. I get him. He was a wise man. A man I loved. If I die, I will get to see him and my aunt again. It is a pleasant thought for me.
Father has been singing different songs from The Greatest Showman. It is prophetic…as is everything on Earth. Everything is a picture of something in the supernatural realm. He has been talking about going to the other side. I am ready to see the other side. To get to the other side. To live in the other side.
Yesterday, I saw a vision. I was in the center of this large crowd of people. They all were standing and clapping. Cheering.
I am still not sure what it means…but it reminded me of something years ago. It is somewhere on this blog. I once appeared in Heaven. I was walking along what I term a portico. On my right side was my jester dressed in royal purple. He was escorting me to a ceremony in a mansion. The mansion was forward and to the right. The path we had to take to get there was to go behind and underneath the crowd seated in the colosseum/stadium. Everything was marble…the finest of quality. While I was walking toward the people, they turned and saw me. They all stood and excitedly clapped in unison. It was like they had been sitting there waiting on me to appear.
I am not sure if the vision I saw yesterday was the people in Heaven…or people on Earth. 🤷♀️
If I Die, I Die
There ya go, now ya know. What’s the rest of the story? I haven’t a clue.
What I am fully convinced of…100%…if Father doesn’t work a miracle soon, I will die…and I have peace about that.
I shared with Vanessa…you know my password. If I die, get in my computer and shut my blog down.
I have followed Father to a T for over 30 years. I will follow Him into eternity no matter what it costs me. Freedom from this world sounds like a great plan to me.
The pressure on my chest has begun. My dependency is upon Him. He has shut the doors to the medical community because He has something better planned for me. What that is exactly I do not know…but if I die, I die.
I am going home and getting complete freedom and healing however He chooses to manifest it.