I think I have arrived. To where? Not entirely sure…but I have a good idea. Felt led to share a bit of the story…along with a bit of the back story.
Over the last couple of weeks, Father has been reminding me of an old friend of mine by the name of Blair. Although I have tried to explain my gratitude for him…to him…I doubt he will ever truly appreciate how his kindness toward me impacted my heart. I feel led to include that story here in this post. It is pertinent…and it ties in with the photos Father chose to use for this post.
Blair doesn’t have a filter on his mouth…which is one of the reasons he has been so dear to me. I always knew where I stood with him for his pattern was to blurt out whatever he was thinking and feeling no matter how blunt it was. My kind of way to live. Transparency is a beautiful thing!
The last conversation I had with him was within the last couple of years over the phone. It was a year or so after my trip out West. Following my dad’s death in June of 2020, I spent 34 days traveling 11,000 miles driving to a bunch of National Parks to do some healing. It was a trip my dad had taken and one that had been on my bucket list for decades. The trip was priceless in value to me because of the healing to my heart I got while away by myself with Father exploring nature. While out West, I ended up in Las Vegas twice to jump out of an airplane a few times.
When Blair and I last spoke, he mentioned he and his family watched my trip from my postings on social media. I kept everyone updated on my journey back then. Blair said…we thought you were nuts. 😂 No one could understand why I took a long trip alone out West. Many had concerns for my safety while traveling as a single woman. They also didn’t understand why I was sleeping in a tent through most of the trip…staying at campsites in the National Forests.
I will never forget the day I decided to come back home. I had stayed in Fort Collins, CO, the night before. After an early rising, I was headed to Mount Rushmore. While on the phone with my spiritual brother Jeff, he said to me…sis…it is time to come home. You are needed at home. It is time to head home.
*Sigh* Ok. 😧
He was right. It was Father. I told Jeff…I am coming up on I80…I will take a right turn and head home. Drove that rented van straight through so I could sleep in my own bed early the next morning.
Persecution
During the peak of my friendship with Blair, I was undergoing persecution from my natural family. Part of that family, I attended church with. Despite all my efforts to bring reconciliation and peace, the other parties’ hearts would not soften. Arrogance and pride are ugly beasts as they keep the hard-hearted hard. The “pastors” and leaders in the church would not take a stand against the poor character of those they claimed to love and shepherd. Eventually, I chose to leave because the gossip, maltreatment, anger, strife, discord, and division directed at me by the Christians in the church rose to seriously toxic levels. I felt if the leadership was not willing to hold accountable those at fault, then I should walk away rather than be a constant thorn in their flesh. Father told me to wipe the dust off my feet and move out. I did.
The persecution was painful. Had I been at fault, it would have been easier for me to deal with. I could have righted my wrongs and made amends. However, when I was without guilt, there was no mending for me to do. It made it harder for me to cope with…in addition…this was my family…whom I dearly loved.
During that time, I lost one entire side of my family. It wasn’t just the death of one person to me…it was a multitude of deaths in one sweep. Many family members…plus people I had considered friends and family through Christ.
Although the persecution was painful, I learned many valuable lessons…and received much healing along the way.
Kindness
Father knew I needed emotional and spiritual support while I moved through the situation. So thankful He gave me Blair during this time. Blair was kind. His kindness impacted my heart greatly. It was a soothing balm to a raw, angry, bleeding wound.
He always had something wise to say to me. One statement he said on repeat…kill them with kindness.
Another one…keep your mouth shut. Don’t defend yourself.
I needed that confirmation as that was exactly what Father had been speaking to me. I AM your defender…don’t defend yourself. NOT ONE WORD…is what He would say.
Father used Blair mightily during those days. I had a few on my side…the side of righteousness. I was not alone. The support…was needed and appreciated.
I mattered. I mattered to someone. Someone cared…about me…about my heart…about the fact I was being persecuted for my love for Father and my radical obedience to Him.
It felt good to matter to someone.
Defending the Truth
I remember one evening at Blair’s home. We had a small group that would meet often. In this small group was a man whom I was also friends with. Our friendship was slightly different. He respected me…but I triggered the man severely at times. Blair could see I had value. My other friend couldn’t understand my radical obedience to Father. It caused him frustration with me. He felt as if my life should look more worldly. The fact I didn’t take his advice on how I should live…triggered him. 🤨 I frustrate the legalists. Severely. 🤷♀️
If left to myself, I keep my mouth shut about my relationship with Father. This blog and the lifestyle I currently live and will continue to live out is His idea…not mine. Crystal Ann is perfectly fine staying tucked away and hidden.
While at Blair’s, he would encourage me to speak…to share my thoughts. He saw value in what I had to offer. One evening, I commented. It triggered my friend…severely. It was obvious to everyone. His response was short and pointed with his disagreement regarding what I said.
Immediately, Blair jumped in. I will never forget what he said. He said…Crystal is right. What she just said is biblical. Then he shared the scriptures my comments were based on. It shut the man up…very quickly.
It shocked me. I am a woman used to taking hits from people…not a woman used to being defended for standing on the truth.
I will never forget Blair’s defense of me. It touched me. Much appreciated.
Yesterday
I was telling Vanessa, I felt like I was on the edge of something great. It felt true. Like I was finishing up an important work. To me, it felt like I had just a couple of issues to work through and I would be done.
One issue was regarding marriage. The second issue was tied to the first issue…kingdom marriages. This strange kingdom spouse movement that is also tied to the Esther movement.
The whole thing has had me baffled…greatly. I needed to understand Father’s character regarding the two issues. It was important to me…to my heart.
I got what I needed. 😍 I shall explain a tiny bit of it here.
Arrived
This is where the I have arrived comes into play…which makes me think of Blair.
A saying I have said for years is this…the more I learn…the more I realize how much I have to learn yet.
Another way of saying it…the more I know…the more I realize how much I don’t know.
Another way…the more educated I become…the more I realize how ignorant I am.
I was sharing this with Blair years ago. His response…Crystal…you have arrived. 😂
I had no clue what he meant by that. Where did I arrive? Still not sure. 🤔
BUT…yesterday…I felt like I had arrived. I had arrived at a place of healing in my heart. I have been healed of the years of hatred, maltreatment, persecution, and immeasurable suffering Satan and Father put me through in the name of Christ.
Damn…it feels good. So very good. Peace!!!
Rest
I arrived at a place of rest. Never been here before. It makes me wonder if my speeding issue will disappear now. I have always been in a hurry to get somewhere…to my destiny. It feels like yesterday, we shut the engine off…to sit and rest. Feels grand!
I am currently basking in the wonder of it all.
His power fascinates me…in every way. I have asked Him many times…how do you do that? How does your power work? I want to know the inner workings of it…all about it.
I believe He will show me. It is part of the deal. Part of my renegotiations. 😜
I love the tan lines my Chaco sandals developed on my feet. I needed a new pair of river-worthy sandals for my fly fishing trip on the Yakama River in Washington State. After finding a local hiking store in the area, I purchased my new Chaco’s. Loved them so much, I wore them the rest of the trip out West. 💙
The Dragon
My entire life has been hard to endure. It is not that I am feeling sorry for myself…I am stating facts. I have always compartmentalized my experiences. It made them easier to handle as I progressed through the inner healing of them.
Because I have done that over the years, I haven’t stopped to look at the entirety of my life…as a whole. I can’t stand the victim mentality. Super gross to me…so I refuse to go to that place in my heart/mind.
Six years ago, Revelation 12 happened to me. The dragon began spewing a river of lies and deception out of his mouth with the intent of drowning me. Interesting that he used that technique since I had a fear of drowning since childhood. 🤷♀️
The whole thing caught me completely off guard. Didn’t see that coming.
I fought for my life…24/7. Most days, I didn’t think I would make it through it. However, I did.
Yesterday, during our conversation…Father brought healing regarding the whole mess.
One question I had about the kingdom spouse/marriage wave that is happening in the apostolic division of the C.R.S…is…what is happening???
Father has had a multitude of things to say about it. It is a picture of the foolish virgins who don’t have the oil needed. It is deception. Part of the river from the dragon’s mouth. The women have been carried away by their own selfish desires…buying into the lies of the enemy. Lack of discernment is part of the mess as well.
Heart of the Matter
I needed to know Father’s character. Also…I needed to know…understand His heart toward me.
Back in the spring or early summer, He had me go through 4 different marriage ceremonies. They represented the four chambers of the heart…four marriage beds.
I got the first three…Father…Son…and Holy Spirit…but the guest room…wasn’t so sure about.
About a year into my second marriage, I said…never doing this again. Had no desire to marry a man ever again. Felt like I had that t-shirt…ya know? He made me repent of making that never doing this again vow. Got my rear end spanked for that. He had other plans. 🤷♀️
Yesterday, I came to an understanding that changed my heart in powerful ways. Healed it I would say.
I realized something…to love a man…adds to my heart instead of taking away from it. I had come to the erroneous conclusion that if I loved a man as a husband here on this Earth…it would take away from…subtract from my love and commitment to Father. Turns out…it would only add to it. It would complete my heart. Complete the marriage bed within the four chambers of my heart. How cool is that?!
Addition instead of subtraction. I tell you…everything is built on mathematics. Everything.
BUT WAIT…THERE IS MORE! 😍
This whole dragon thing…the whole mess…was all for me.
I haven’t a clue how or why yet…but that truth set my heart free from the last of the pain.
Father is going to show me how and why…and I am ok with that. I have come full circle. Crystal Ann Laura is back to trusting Father again 100% with my heart…and my life.
Absolutely wonderful!
I have arrived!!! Celebration is in order!!! ❤️💙