Contemplating

I am contemplating some concerns I have. Chewing and stewing as I like to say. Things are percolating in my mind…like good-smelling coffee percolating in my old percolator. Goodness…I miss my coffee. Used to buy the beans and grind them up. Put them in my percolator and cherish the smells. Had a good friend who would come over every single morning, seven days a week, and share that coffee with me. We loved our Coffee with Crystal mornings.

Feeling rather spunky today. Let me share a few words with you. I am a word nerd. Love vocabulary and all things language related. I KNOW…if you are a grammar nazi, one of the guardians of the English language galaxy…you don’t believe that. I write incomplete sentences on purpose at times. Use bad grammar with purpose.

Think of it like art. Sometimes, you paint and/or color in the lines…playing by the rules. Sometimes, you throw the rules in the trash and think outside the box.

At times, I write outside the box on purpose. It agitates the legalists. A little mean gladness in that for me. It gives them an opportunity to look within at the triggers hiding in their hearts and minds. Deal with it…or be offended and leave. Seems kind of childish to be offended that someone wrote an incomplete sentence. Immature to be mad because I didn’t use quotation marks. Maybe I didn’t capitalize a word the world says I should or vice versa…god forbid I capitalized a word I should not have.

See the silliness of it all at times?

Vocab

Fun synonyms for contemplate.

• Cogitate…LOVE this one. Doesn’t that sound fun? 🤩
• Deliberate…reminds me of the Melody Farris trial. I am currently sitting at a local coffee shop writing this. One tab is open to the jury verdict watch. They are deliberating. HOPING for a verdict today. 🤨
• Mull over…ever think mullet when you hear this phrase? 😜
• Ponder…I am pondering the possibilities.
• Ruminate…always reminds me of how we humans are supposed to be CLEAN offerings. Like cows ruminating on their food. We are supposed to meditate on Truth.
• Study…I have been a student for years.

Here is the word of the day for me. Amalgamate. It means uniting two things into one. Wow…does it make you think of Christ as the Bridegroom and His Bride becoming one? Does me. 🥰

Another word I was thinking about this morning was mollify. To soothe in temper. Reduce the intensity, soften, and assuage. Mitigate. For some reason, I love to use the phrase…mitigate the damage. It flows so wonderfully in my mind. 😍 Words are sublime.

There ya go…shared a bit of my word weirdness with you.

Interruption

As I said, I started this post on Monday morning. Hannah had some work to do, so we loaded up together and went to the coffee shop. It is rare to find me without ear buds in my ears. I am pretty particular about what I allow in my ears. I live in a pretty small bubble. Father’s control over me is VERY tight. Very tightly controlled. He chooses what I see, hear, and feel…and what I experience.

It is pretty incredible at times to walk in that way. He turns the light switch on and off all the time.

While sitting at the coffee shop, I have my earbuds in even though I am sitting beside Hannah. At times, I am allowed to have the public music in my ears, at times…not. I was flowing quite nicely with Holy Spirit typing up the above words when He interrupted our flow. He does that often. Completely blows through all my boundaries.

The neighbors were talking a table over, had been blocking them out without any problems. Then I hear the woman say one word. Just one word. Shut everything down…for the entire day. 🤦‍♀️

We went in a completely different direction. I just want to express how frustrating that is to me. Truly…so very frustrating.

Grumpy

Fast forward to this (Wednesday) morning…and I am feeling a bit grumpy. Like a grumpy old woman. When I get in this place, I try to be considerate of the people around me…by not being around them. 😂

At about 5 this morning, I decided it would be best to be alone today. I showered, ate breakfast, and was out the door before 7. Everything is wet in our neck of the woods so outside was going to be a bit tricky for me. Really was feeling the need to be outside though. Also…needed Wi-Fi…and little to no people.

My solution…Mr. Mitchell Man’s garage. I have all I need right here. A dry space, Wi-Fi, electricity, and a large garage door that rolls up, so I get my view of outside. 😜 I have smarticles.

Mitchell came out this morning scared someone had broken into his garage. He saw me sitting out here and said…I was sure I locked it up last night before I went to bed. I smiled and said…yep…I am your burglar.

I love that man…I told him why I came, and he pointed out the electricity to me if I needed it later. My response was…THANKS for caring son. 🥰

Contemplate

The reason I mention I am grumpy is this…I want you to contemplate whether or not you want to continue reading this post. It might get ugly here. I was feeling spunky on Monday when I was going to type up this post originally. Not feeling so spunky today. Rather irritated. Agitated instead. Frustrated with Father. At myself a bit too.

In this post, I am going to share those thoughts and feelings. Feeling the need to vomit them up. Get them out of my system. Need somewhere to go with them and I have discovered over the last seven years…I rather like typing them up. Something wonderful happens when I type them up and send them out into the land of no return. It is like fishing. Throwing out a line or a net into the water…hoping to catch a bite from a fish.

Such a great feeling when you get a nibble. Even better when you catch the fish. EVEN better when it is a nice sized crappie you are going to put in your belly later. 😜 Fishing is a relaxing activity for me.

Here is a squirrel I see…a few years ago, one of my spiritual brothers wanted to take me fishing for crappie. He loves to fish and knew I loved to fish. We finally made the appointment to fish together. I was SUPER excited about going fishing. In my head, I imagined this quiet, peaceful, relaxing time surrounded by water and trees…talking with Father in my head.

Nope…my spiritual brother talked non-stop. I was like…did you know one of the great things about fishing is the peace and quiet you get to enjoy? 😂 He did not know.

Frustration

When I first arrived at Mr. Mitchell Man’s garage, I got my backpack unloaded and set my portable office up. Donovan and Vanessa have amazing camping chairs. Got myself some boxes as my side table. NOW…I need some hot tea. Borrowed Vanessa’s stove for that part. While processing a bit with her, I realized my main frustration is the fact I don’t experientially…physically…KNOW the truth here.

For seven years, I have been trapped in a place with Father…waiting on things I felt like He promised me in both the supernatural world and the natural world. During this time, I gave everything up. Everything. I came to this place because of love. I stayed because of love. Endured because of love.

I understand I am the treasure. I am the pearl of great price. The treasure hidden in the field. Still hidden from the world. Hidden in plain sight. Hidden right here on the World Wide Web. Available to all…yet haven’t been found.

Logically, I KNOW many truths I have yet to experientially experience. Yes…repeating myself there. Feeling the need to.

Teeter-Totter

Another part of me…doesn’t want to lose the site.

It makes me think of a Snap Vanessa sent me a month or so ago. Ahnalaya Ann and Archer Aspen were on a teeter-totter. Bobbilicious was helping Archer on his side, so they could actually go up and down.

This past seven years has been a lot of ups and downs. Back and forth. On and off. Side to side. Craziness in ways man just can’t relate.

When I was thinking about dumping the site this morning, I saw the site as gold. It would be like dumping gold in the trash maybe.

To the girls and I…my website is gold. We would hate to lose the site. Hate to dump it.

Yet, there is a part of me that is done with the status quo.

AudioBooks

It makes me think of a portion of a story in an audiobook I frequently listen to. I have this thing I do.

As I have mentioned before, my favorite author is Louis L’Amour. I have several of his audiobooks that I listen to on repeat. If I am struggling to relax my mind at night…in order to fall asleep, I will turn on one of my favs of his. For oodles of years, I have read one of his books before bedtime. I can read one in less than two hours. It always relaxed my mind, so I could fall asleep. New information coming into my mind keeps me wide awake for hours.

If I turn one of his books on, I can listen to the words I have heard many times over and drift off to sleep.

Yesterday, I started a new book by David Baldacci. The main character made a HUGE mistake. HUGE. Ya know when you have to stop listening because you are now contemplating the foolishness of the main character…well that was me last night. I had to shut it off and switch over to a different book, so I didn’t stew all night long. 😂

L’Amour

There is a scene in Louis’ book, Last Stand at Papago Wells, where a group comes under attack by Indians while in the desert. This man got away but learned his horse had been shot. In the scene, after his horse dies, the character continues to walk trying to get to the water tanks. The next day…miles still away from any water…he shoots himself.

I told Father…I feel like that man right now. I have been living in the desert for seven-plus years, with no horse to get me anywhere…and miles away from any water. Not going to make it. Thinking it is time to end this saga myself. Tear down what I have built. Move on. Take this way out. I can’t pay the renewal fee anyway. 🤷‍♀️ Outside of my control.

Eve

I feel like Eve at times. Mankind grumbles about her. Have felt frustration with her myself for giving in and consuming the fruit of deception the enemy fed her.

Yet…I get it. Father speaks. At that moment…you are sure. Convinced He spoke it. Later, the feelings leave and then you question…did He say that? Did I tell myself that stuff? Was that the enemy?

Also…after over 30 years of this…I intimately KNOW when Father speaks…it doesn’t look as you thought it would look. Our little brains can’t understand what He means most of the time. Sometimes it is spiritual and not physical. At times, it is physical. For me…in the last seven years…it has most definitely been mostly spiritual.

This makes me wonder…what are the promises He really made me. What do they actually look like in the physical realm? It isn’t always what you think it will be.

This leads me to the truth…I don’t really KNOW the truth. I don’t know the meaning behind His words at times. Maybe it is literal in this physical world. Maybe it is merely spiritual in the spirit world. 🤷‍♀️

It isn’t me doubting what He is saying…it is me humbly saying…I don’t know what you mean when you say that.

Fruit

Another portion of this puzzle is about soul intuition and spiritual discernment inside of me.

I once wanted to do a blog post on a Christian woman who calls herself a prophet/apostle. She has her space on the World Wide Web. When Father first led me to her, she had very few followers. For a while, she stopped posting. Then she came back with guns blazing. Very quickly, she blew up. Her followers are in the five-digit figures now and she is starting to make bank. Like all the rest of the commoners…she is a life coach. Regularly posts “prophetic words for the masses.” A lot of “kingdom spouse” stuff. Lots of prosperity claims. All feel good…tickle the ears stuff.

Her claims are…with her mentorship and coaching…she can help you reach your destiny at record speed. She is all about speed.

She is always begging for money…so she can spread the gospel of Christ globally. Here is one of her problems…she never shares the gospel of Christ. Ever. All she ever does…is share a “prophetic word” to the masses. She doesn’t speak truth…she merely shares feel-good stuff. That is what sells. It is perverted sex. Pornography of the spirit realm. Super gross.

Bad fruit…yet making bank like all the others.

Soul Intuition

When Father first had me studying her, following my S.O.P., I asked lots of questions. Who is she? Show me her heart. Etc.

Lots of discussions about her and what she was doing. I was telling Hannah one time…I think this woman has mental health issues. I think she is mentally ill. It was a gut feeling I had. Couldn’t shake it.

Later…in a video, she mentioned she got to see her child. She was celebrating this.

Now…I don’t watch her videos. Maybe I have watched 2 or 3 in their entirety out of hundreds over the last couple of years. I skim transcripts. Peruse the comments. Scan their websites if they have one. Then mostly ask Father about them…I listen. Listen to Him and what He has to say about the person and the situation. This has been my mode of operation for years. He is the Creator and intimately knows the person. I am the student who is listening to the Teacher teach me.

Spiritual Discernment

When she mentioned so very briefly…without explanation…she got to see her child…I said to Hannah. It is drug addiction. She has lost her child due to a drug addiction. I was 100% convinced I was right about that. Somehow it all fit together to me with the woman Father was showing me.

Fast forward a few months, she did another video…being “vulnerable” and sharing her testimony. In her testimony, she shared about her “past” drug addiction and how Father set her free from that.

Wow…ok…I was hearing/sensing/seeing/feeling right. Felt good to have that confirmation of what I had already thought was the truth about who she was and what she was doing.

So much more to the story here. Not going to share those details because that isn’t what this post is about.

Illness

It is illness on many levels here. In her. Body. Soul. Spirit. In the followers. Bodies. Souls. Spirits.

They are all sick. Yet, believe they are well.

I suspect the woman is NOT doing physical…chemical drugs at this time. It is common sense to me…someone is doing drug testing on her, so she can see her child. Either her child is in foster care, or an ex has that child. Someone is monitoring her to ensure she is drug-free, or she won’t get a visitation with the child. That is how the system works. Somehow…she lost her child. This is easy math to do.

If you lost your child because of drug addiction, then you must get off drugs and clean your life up to get the right to see the child again. It is a process…a long one. You must earn the trust back with the adults around the child FIRST…then they give you time with the child.

This woman may be off chemical drugs right now, but she is using and abusing Christ and the people as a different drug. She has a cocktail she is using and abusing.

This woman is BARELY holding her life together. Has a man she is shacking up with…NOT married to him. Doesn’t have custody of her own child/children…yet she has tens of thousands of Christian followers who are paying her money to give false prophecies to them.

Do you see a multitude of problems here? Cuz, I do.

You might go back and refer to my post Transformation Specialist. It converts quite nicely in this situation.

Fruit

I am constantly baffled by how man never even considers checking the fruit inside the people before they follow them.

It makes me think of interactions with men through the years. I have had many marriage proposals over the last few years. That doesn’t include the offerings of hookups with men. At times, I have been inundated with men wanting to have sex with me.

Ok…so I get why a man would want to marry me. I am a generous woman in every area of my life. Enough said on that.

However, the hookups…I just don’t get it. A man looks at my body and says…I want to fuck that. Wow…ok. You don’t even know my name. Don’t know my beliefs. Don’t know my heart. You don’t know anything about me. Just want to use my body for your gain. You want your own pleasure at my expense.

I struggle to get the concept of having sex with a prostitute…when the man is going to fuck her first to see if he wants to hang around her. See where it leads.

Put sex first without knowing the woman or man inside. The shallow first instead of going deep into the heart to find out the heart of the person.

Is the person even worth having in your life? If they are going to spread their legs for you before you prove you are worthy of them…neither one of you is worth it.

Bad fruit. Right up front bad fruit.

We have oodles of Christian prostitutes hooking up with other cheap Christian prostitutes. All spiritual and soul sexual perversion. It is gross.

Value

Hooking up with a prostitute…physically, spiritually, and through the soul…is death. Across the board. Just going to give you an STD. Make you sicker than you were before you hooked up with her.

If you are someone who wants to build something that is going to last…you better be checking the fruit of the person’s heart BEFORE you consume what they are selling to you. Buying a bad product…eating bad fruit from a rotten tree is going to cost you more than you want to pay.

Death and decay.

All negative in value.

Man constantly looks at worldly things and calls it good…when it is evil. OR…they will call something that IS good…evil.

Man has lost all common sense. Logic. Discernment of the spirit. Intuition of the soul.

Humanity has inverted the value system here. Believing what is negative in value is positive. What is positive in value is negative.

False Prophet

If we go back and look at our little speed queen “prophet,” we can look at her fruit. She is shacking up with a man who isn’t her husband. She lost custody and hasn’t done enough work yet to get her child/children back. The woman has NOT proven herself yet to be trustworthy to the adults who know her…those who matter. The ones judging her ability to care for a child.

Her track record isn’t rock solid yet. She is still in the process of getting her life together. At any moment in time, she could have a major setback because a stressor sent her over the edge. Those are facts. This is life.

The speed queen “prophet” doesn’t have the fruit/evidence to support her claims of being a prophet sent by Father. Certainly, no evidence she can transform a person’s life as a life coach. She is barely hanging on in her own life.

I think it is great she is making strides in the right direction finally after a long period of drug addiction, but you need at least that many years sober and healed before I am going to trust anything you say. Show me the fruit honey…cuz your words are only words.

Long Road to Freedom

In Father’s Kingdom, it isn’t about speed. Transformation in His Kingdom is over a LONG PERIOD OF TIME. This is a marathon honey…not a sprint. If you are looking to run a sprint…Father isn’t for you. He will drag that shit out…till you die.

If you want to follow someone…check the fruit FIRST. LOOK at the fruit. If you want freedom, you aren’t going to get that from someone who is sitting in the prison cell next to you. This woman claims she can set you free while she is drowning still in her own filth. She is enslaved just like you.

Purification is a journey. A long one. A long road to walk. Sometimes you gotta crawl on your hands and knees to get there. At times, Christ has had to carry me. Some days…He makes me sit still in the pain and endure.

This is not a get-rich-quick road to health and wealth like a lot of false “profits” preach to you.

Contemplating

Back to my original thoughts of this post. I had my list of concerns I was going to share in the post. Decided I am just going to keep that stuff to myself right now. I will wait and see how this thing plays out I suppose.

I will share this much as it relates to my frustration today. Feeling like I need to share it to move forward.

The Christian Nationalists and NAR people are always calling Trump…Father’s King David. Wow…this frustrates the Hell out of me.

King David was a forerunner of Christ. David’s heart was special to Father WHILE David was a child. David was calling on Father and intimate with Father WHILE he was a child. It is offensive to hear people comparing Trump to King David. Dishonoring David’s legacy in my book. It is offensive to see the masses elevating a man to the status of a savior. Offensive to see the masses elevating a corrupt nation. America is corrupt. Morally bankrupt in every way, yet man idolizes the nation like they idolize the morally bankrupt leaders of said nation.

Every leader this nation has ever had…has been morally bankrupt. Read the Bible. Not one is worthy. Everyone has fallen short.

Trump is not a savior…the man needs Christ as his Savior.

The idolization of mankind is nauseating. Truly.

Bandwagons

I am not one to jump on man’s bandwagons. That is such a clear sign to me. CRYSTAL CLEAR SIGN FOR ME. If the world is selling it…Father isn’t.

I love Trump…but I didn’t jump on the Trump train. (Not on Kamala’s either. Not on man’s train.) The Christians are selling Trump and making America great again.

As I have mentioned before, who is defining the word great?

That would be man. Man’s definition of great. That is ONE problem in this math equation. That is a negative in the story problem. Subtraction. Negative in value.

When was America great before? What made it great?

As soon as you are born out of the womb…you are working toward your death.

As soon as the Constitution was signed…the country started walking toward the death of this nation.

I love and honor our Founding Fathers…but they were still fallen men. Men who had some knockdown drag-out fights. Even they couldn’t get unified on many things.

Man holds man too highly in elevation.

Christianity

If you call yourself a Christian…claim Christ is your Savior…then why are you not elevating Christ over Trump?

Why are you not elevating Father’s Kingdom over America?

Why are you more concerned over Trump and the state of America over Christ, His Kingdom, and the souls of the people?

If you tell me, you hold Christ over Trump and Father’s Kingdom over America, yet you spent more time thinking and talking about Trump and America than you did about Christ…you are a liar.

How much time did you invest in following Trump and the election compared to being intimate with Father/Christ/Holy Spirit?

If Father asked you to give Trump up…America up…and you HESITATE…they are an idol to you. If you hesitate…they are a stronghold in your life. An idol that has come between you and Christ.

I have watched the Trump train for years…especially from those in Christianity. The idolatry is blinding.

Concerns

I am concerned. Super concerned about the future. Father did not spare Israel from judgment when the humanism in man took over. When they elevated man…He humbled them…greatly.

Pride goes before a fall. Haughtiness before destruction.

As always…I am walking against the crowd. Swimming upstream while everyone is floating downstream on their tubes with their coolers full of beer…having a party. Celebrating their victories thinking they are going to live it up and have the good life.

Meanwhile, I am sweating my ass off, huffing and puffing, and wondering if I am going to make it through this.

I feel like I am trying to frantically swim away from this massive waterfall and rapids at the bottom while the masses are gleefully and ignorantly about to go over the edge to their deaths.

I can’t get away from impending death fast enough while everyone else can’t wait to get there. Can’t get there fast enough.

I live a crazy life. Always wondering if I am missing something here. Always contemplating the possibilities. Wondering if I did the math wrong.

Truth

I am in a place of scratching my head still wondering if I have gotten it all wrong. I get the opposite of what everyone else seems to be getting from Father.

Seriously makes me question my sanity on every level.

Makes me think I need to throw in the towel cuz I can’t seem to do the math problems correctly. The answers I get are radically different than what the Christians are getting.

I have zero doubt Father is going to use Trump. Truly believe He will humble him…and the people. I just have serious concerns about how that is going to play out in this natural world.

It is like everyone attended a sports game at an arena. They are all popping their beers and drinking it up celebrating their team’s victory. I am sitting on a building across the street watching the celebration pondering the questions in my mind. Like…did you really win? What is it going to cost you? What is it going to cost this nation? 🤔

I have never seen mankind elevate one man like they have Trump. There is a whole Hell of a lot I don’t know about Father yet…but after 30-plus years of intimacy with Him at this point in my life…that shit isn’t going to fly with Him. I am 100% sold on that.

Another Piece

Something else I am pondering is this…what is in this for me? Sounds selfish, doesn’t it? I assure you it is not.

After what Father has put me through, it is a valid question. One He wants me to contemplate. SO, I am.

For years, the enemy has stolen from me. Yesterday, I was thinking about the massiveness of what has been stolen from me over the years because I have followed Christ.

Then…I began to contemplate what I gave away. Some things were stolen…the rest…I gave away. Sort of willingly. Under duress. It reminds me of a convo I had with Mr. Mitchell Man some time in the last couple of years.

We were having a deep discussion about these seven years and what Father was having me do. As I have shared before, it has caused stress in every relationship I have had. Purified them…the ones that stayed.

I asked Mitchell…where is your compassion for me about the pain I am in. My suffering?

His response was…Mom…I do have compassion for you. However, you have chosen to walk this path.

Ugh…it is moments like these I wonder why I taught my kids to bluntly speak the truth. No pandering to me. No placating me. Absolutely no comfort there. Just smack me in the face with the truth. *sigh*

He was right of course. I appreciated the truth. Left me a bit breathless and speechless for a moment…but I needed the reminder. Although I sometimes hate this path I chose to walk…I CHOSE to walk it.

I followed Christ into this fiery furnace I call home. 🤦‍♀️

Experiential Knowledge

I have said on this blog…repeatedly…I know Father rewards those who follow Christ. I know this logically in my mind.

However, in my heart…I am still unconvinced at times. I have yet to gain experiential knowledge of the truth about the promises He has spoken to me for over 20 years. Still trapped in waiting mode.

I HATE waiting mode. Feel like I need to say that one more time…I HATE waiting mode.

Just not sure what the promises actually are…in either world. It is the unknown to me.

It leads me to wonder…what is in this for me. Really? What am I going to get out of this?

So far…pain. A whole lot of negativity that I had to work my ass off to convert to positivity. I am a master of converting the negative to positive. Got my Ph.D. in that.

Straining

Although I know these commoners who are feeding the masses bullshit to consume haven’t built the house I have, it is still hard to watch them be elevated by the people. Hard for me to see people praising the prostitutes who are free, cheap, and easy. Hard to see them living the “good life” while I am straining under the weight/wait for Father to elevate me.

The treasures inside of me are incomparable to what the prostitutes of the world are offering the masses…in every area…on every level. I know that inside of me. I am just tired of waiting on Father to show that to the world.

Truly caring about the hearts of the people for so long while I am dismissed as nothing…while the liars are selling syrup to the masses…telling them they love them while feeding them poison…hard pill to swallow on a daily basis. Worse when I see the masses falling for the lies. Drinking the Kool-Aid.

I am swimming in the deep trying to keep my head above water…gaining strength to save the masses. The masses are playing in the shallow water patting each other on the backs and celebrating each other. Kiddies in the kiddy pool playing around. Telling each other how wonderful they are. While I am fighting to live. Living to die for them. Dying to live for them.

Seems so messed up. Everything is backward. Inverted.

Publish

I think I am going to hit publish there. Now ya know how I am feeling today. I think writing it out has helped me some. It was for me more than it was for the reader…when they show up. 😂

I am contemplating a lot of stuff here on this side of the screen. Not sure how this is going to play out. I decided if I go back into the world to get a job in order to pay my bills, I am staying this time. Not coming back to the blog. Since it is time to renew it, and I don’t have the money…I will just let that be a sign for it to go. Time is up. Time to move out and move on.

I am so ready to leave it all behind me. The truth is…I don’t know what the truth is. 🤷‍♀️ All I have are words. Words I am not sure about their meanings. I am a humble human being who readily admits I can be wrong.

The whole shebang is out of my hands. Completely out of my control.

Have a marvy day…despite my dreary one. If you stayed to the end…kudos to you. Feeling a bit like Eeyore today…thanks for noticing me. 😂