Through the night last night, Father and I had a battle of wills. A normal part of our relationship. Me fighting…Him standing there looking at me while waiting on me to get through my temper tantrum. I am not sure how many times at this point I have told Him to shut the Hell up and leave me alone. On occasion, I will tell him to F*** off. Never phases Him. He always wins. I am the loser with a capital L. Fighting Him is foolish so sometimes I seem like a fool. No one can make me angrier than He can. Wowser.
Bobbi once asked Vanessa if I was allowed to talk to Him that way. Vanessa’s response…it is part of their relationship, and she has earned the right. 🤷♀️
He has taken me to levels of humiliation I didn’t think was possible. No words. 😳
After getting out of bed, I did my morning walk. Part of our discussion through the night was regarding photography. My desire…let’s shift gears here. Let’s move in the direction of developing my photography skills.
I felt a bit hopeful this morn…so I grabbed my camera and lenses. Off I went.
Something I often ask Him…is to give me the His eyes to see the world as He sees it. There is good in that and bad…can be very bad. Just warning you in case you get a hankering to ask Him for that too. Always an upside and downside.
I also ask Him to give me the eyes and mind of a photographer.
Jodi
A couple of years ago or so, I was on the phone with Jodi, an old friend of mine. We spent hours on the phone during this season of our lives. More time on the phone than off. I needed her. She needed me. It worked for us both.
I was telling Jodi I thought Father wanted me to start an IG account. When we were together…Father sped life up and He would talk to us both in almost a constant steady stream. We fed off each other.
Father gave her a vision. She saw a photo gallery. She said Father told her…Crystal sees beauty. He then went on to explain to her more about that in detail. I can see beauty in anything. Beauty when others can’t see how to convert something ugly into something beautiful.
I knew the IG account was to be a gallery of my photos along with writing some stuff for the Bride. She wasn’t listening to me or looking at me but that was a prophetic picture of the state of her heart. I merely obeyed.
While taking pictures this morning, He was reminding me of this conversation with Jodi a couple of years ago. Some of the things He said to her about me. He was starting a conversation with me. Had a point He was getting to. 🥰
I responded with my own side of the conversation. My response was that I find it sad some people don’t have the eyes to see the beauty around them He has created. ALSO…they don’t have the eyes to see the ugliness around them…or inside of them. How man has this whole thing so mixed up in this world. They call good evil and evil good. You get on social media and you will see all the pictures of people being posted and everyone responds the same…you are so beautiful. You look so happy. Beautiful family. You are stunning. You are gorgeous.
Vomit. 🤮🤢
I can hardly look at it.
Heart
Man judges by appearances instead of looking deeper within at the heart of the person inside. That person you are calling beautiful may be a monster inside. A man or woman bowing to the strong man. Think of the movie Venom. Letting demons take over inside of you and control you. Using demons…demons using you. Demons are parasites that feed off man and while they are feeding, they are destroying the soul of man. Like leeches sucking the blood out of you. Sucking the LIFE out of you.
Man is in awe of the physical appearance and fails to look past appearances and see into the person’s heart. Is the heart beautiful??? Isn’t that the most important question? Do you want your relationship to last? Look at the condition of the heart first.
Bob
A few years ago, I did 11,000 miles in 34 days visiting a bunch of National Parks out West. I rented a van and took my pupper dog Tonto with me.
Father always keeps me in the loop of what is happening. Past, present, and future. I am rarely surprised by things in my life. I have already seen my death. Have a list of obituaries for people in my life who will die. I usually read the obituary before they get sick and/or die. I appreciate the heads-up. Hard when it is children though. Tough to see. 😩
Before my dad got cancer, I saw him, his wife, and I together dealing with his colon cancer…then I read his obituary. I dreaded the phone call to hear him tell me he had blood in his stools. Surreal moments in life when it comes to pass, and you are living the moment you have already lived through once before. 🤯
My dad’s name was Bob. After his death, Father wanted to take me on this trip. Get away…alone with Him and help my broken heart to heal while alone with Him in nature. It was wonderful. One morning, I was in Oregon I think…parked off the side of the road admiring the huge Sequoia trees. This guy pulls up. He gets out and asks me about a nearby hiking trail. I told him the truth. Clueless what you are talking about dude. 🤣
Bob #2
His name was “Bob.” Really??? Interesting. Very interesting. My dad named BOB had just died which is why I was on the trip. The guy was friendly. SUPER friendly. PERSONABLE! Truly a very likable person. We hit it off instantly. We took pictures of each other in front of the massive trees. Even took a selfie of the two of us together. We stood there and chatted for over an hour.
Listen…I am one of those people that strangers constantly come up to me and start telling me their life stories. ALL the time. I am so used to it that it is just normal for me. It is kind of like…she hasn’t met a stranger thing. I am the spittin’ image of my dad. Tammy always sat in the back seat when we traveled because she couldn’t get a word in with the two of us together. We had fun!
Bob and I exchanged phone numbers so we could stay in touch.
I don’t do that with strangers…but Father was TELLING me to do that. He had a few things to teach me through the experience.
We instantly became texting buddies. Chatting incessantly. Meanwhile, I am asking Father about him…what’s up with this guy? What is this about? What are we doing with him?
He knew I was planning on traveling to Vegas on my trip and he wanted to hook up with me there. Yep…nope. Not happening, dude. I have more smarticles than that. Got propositioned more than once on that trip. 🤨
Dream
I liked “Bob.” Funny and a fellow traveler like me. We had tons in common. Easy conversations.
When I climbed into my sleeping bag one night…I had this horrible vision pop up. It was a massive explosion. Fiery death…I was IN THAT explosion. Freaky to see. Shook me all up. He does that to me…warns me of bad stuff that will happen if I move forward with whatever it is.
I asked Him…what are you warning me of? He reminded me of a dream I had…a few nights before I met “Bob.” I was in Vegas at a high-class restaurant with a nice black evening dress on. A few tables down…two men were sitting at a table across from me. Diagonal to me. They were mob men…worked for the mafia. Handsome. All dressed up in black suits. The man facing me…wanted me. BADLY. He wanted to devour me. Father said in the dream…he is a hitman for the mafia. A bad man…a predator looking for his next prey…next kill.
Quite an unnerving dream. I made a mental note of it. Knew He was warning me of a future event. Gotcha! Be on the lookout.
Had a bad feeling about “Bob. The feeling got worse when he kept pressing to meet me in Vegas. Wanting to know when I would be there so he could meet up with me. Him…Vegas dream…”Bob” wanting to devour me in Vegas. Not a coincidence. Preschool math here. 🤨
Lesson
I decided to send the picture of “Bob” and I together to one of my spiritual brothers. Father downloads the person’s life story to him when he meets them in person and/or sees a picture of the person. For a bit of confirmation…I decided to have him look at the picture and see what Father shared with him about “Bob.” My brother freaked out…he said…DON’T talk to him again. Not one more time. He is bad. He is a psycho. Father was confirming to me through him what He was saying. He made me promise I wouldn’t talk to him again and/or tell him where I was or where I was going. I didn’t tell anyone where I was or where I was going. Following Father…I had no clue where I was going to be from day to day except for the six days I spent in Vegas. And…I do have smarticles…more smarticles than to hook up with a stranger. 🤩
Went back to Father to continue the conversation regarding “Bob.” He reminded me of a conversation on Open Range. Such a great movie. One of my favs. Love Kevin Costner and Robert Duvall. Love westerns! Can’t get a better combo than those three.
A man wanted Robert and Kevin off the range. The man was a wicked bully. After he leaves, Charlie says a man will tell you his plans if you just listen. He was saying…the man was planning on killing them and stealing their stock. They needed to get ready for an attack. He was correct.
When “Bob” introduced himself to me that first moment I met him…he said so clearly to me…my name is “Bob”, and I am not a serial killer. Then he laughed…said I was safe with him.
Now…I have some smarticles in my brain and that just ain’t normal for a man to introduce himself and say…I am not a serial killer…unless maybe he is one. I put a pin in that introduction. Took note of that instantly. Had my guard up even though we hit it off. Seemed like a SWELL guy he did.
Father was saying to me…”Bob” isn’t really his name. He is a serial killer working for Satan and if you meet him in Vegas…you are going to die a very explosive death.
Gotcha.
The point…don’t judge a book by its cover. Appearances are not safe to judge by. Only Father knows the heart. Some hearts are wicked black and are mafia-hit men (or women…to be fair to both genders here 😉). Predators looking for the next weak, lame, injured soul to devour and kill.
I could have judged him as good had I done so through my flesh. My own fleshly opinion. Man’s opinions aren’t worth anything. You will judge wrongly. I prefer the works of the Spirit over the works of the flesh. Much more pleasurable.
You will say good is evil…and evil is good. There may be a monster lurking behind their flesh. Venom…Carnage. They may look beautiful, but they may be wicked ugly inside.
Conversation
While we were discussing Jodi…beauty…and “Bob” this morning on my walk, I was kind of laughing at myself because I felt like that experience with the serial killer…was beautiful.
I never did feel unsafe with Him…Father kept me safe because I don’t step outside of His plan. I always follow step by step…walking by faith. I never take a step or make a move unless I am 100% convinced of the truth He is speaking to me. I follow His commands. As long as you follow step by step in obedience…He will keep you safely under His wings.
You step out in disobedience…you are OUTSIDE of His protection. Outside of His wings…that is a BAD place to be. No protection. Outside of the boundary line, see? No safety there. I get that…so I stay in obedience…I am always safe.
Our conversation went on about beauty vs the ugly stuff in this world…which led us to the place of how sad it makes me at times that people can’t see the beauty right in front of them…nor the ugly. The lack of discernment in the world today… a dangerous place to live…causes untold death. So unnecessary.
He started to share about my beauty…just a smidgeon. WOW…ok…let’s go here. I want to hear what you have to say about me. Been asking Him for decades to share His heart with me…about me. His thoughts of me…with me. I was getting a little tingly with the direction of the conversation. Seriously.
Hope. Hopeful.
Ears
I said to Him…I am sad sometimes that people don’t have the ears to hear the truth of what you have to say…sad they don’t have the eyes to see the beauty around them or in front of them.
His response was something we have discussed before. The issue is not the lack of hearing or seeing. It is a dysfunction of the heart. Before ears can hear and the eyes can see…they have to have a heart to want to see and hear. It is a malfunction of the heart. It is ALWAYS about the heart. ALWAYS. You will hear me say that thousands of times if you stick around long. It all lives and dies in the heart.
For years, I asked Him to give me these four things…eyes to see, ears to hear, a mind to understand, and a heart to know.
He gave me that.
Then He transitions so very softly to my heart. He said to me…in such a sweet, loving, gentle, tender voice…you have been asking me to be intimate with you. Share my heart for you…with you. To share my thoughts of you…with you. I WANT to do that…Crystal…you have to have an open heart to receive what I am going to say to you.
He went on to say He has some extravagant gifts for me. He will pour out love and intimacy all over me…in me…cover me with it…but I must be open to receiving His gifts. I have to learn to receive.
Such a beautiful conversation.
I agreed with Him. Agreed to listen and to receive whatever gifts He has for me. I want them and will receive them.
Extravagant and Exquisite
Men have told me I am beautiful…I have never been impressed with that. I KNOW I AM beautiful…but their definition of beauty and mine…are different.
I always think to myself…how many women have you told they are beautiful????? A large number.
Listen…I am not a commoner.
I once asked Father to show me my heart…I saw a vision. It was this ginormous ruby in the shape of a heart. It was beautifully cut. Wide and thick. He moved it back and forth so I could see the sun hit the facets of it. Stunning to see. Priceless in value to Him.
I once said to Him…I don’t like the term beautiful…to describe me. I don’t like being lumped in with everyone else. He said…you are EXQUISITE in beauty. Oh baby…yes…now you are speaking my love language. Set me apart my dear. Exquisite is not a common adjective. Loving it. My heart is EXQUISITE in beauty and priceless in value.
Excited
I am excited about hearing more of what He has to say to me. Ready for some good sex. I need it. He is lubing me up…getting my heart ready for Him to penetrate it and circumcise it. Consummate our covenant.
A few years ago, I was standing at the stove cooking my lunch. Very sweetly, He asked…will you marry me? I was kind of baffled by that question, so I dismissed it. Thought I was losing my mind.
Later, I went back to the bedroom, He asked again…but this time sounding a bit hurt and a bit miffed at me. I immediately got it. Of course, I accepted the proposal after apologizing I missed understanding what He was doing. It was a struggle to believe back then.
Since then, I have called the engagement off a gazillion times. Sometimes multiple times a day. A.N.G.R.Y.
I am over it now though. Things are looking up.
After my walk, I sat down to write this post.
Had several hours of Lightroom trouble but got it all figured out. I opened up Apple Music and asked Him what songs He wanted me to listen to. Some days, no music allowed. Other days…music on repeat all day.
Playlist
Today…He took me to my plagiarism playlist. That is what I call that list of songs. 😂 There are three. I knew which playlist as soon as I saw the picture. He started singing the very first song in the playlist for me. I just follow where He leads me.
The first song…The Air That I Breathe by the Hollies. Love so much when he sings the words “peaceful, warm, and tired.” So beautiful. All three of the songs have the same slow, soft, emotionally beautiful melody. So soothing to my soul. I especially love the drums in this song. Reminds me of high school and the Timpani drums. Feels so powerful to hear the deep tones in them. Makes me feel warm inside.
Our high school band director was an incredible man. I grew up in a musical family and have loved music always. In my teen years, I would sit in my room and record Casey Kassem’s countdown each weekend so I could listen to my favorite songs on my cassettes throughout the week. My own personal Spotify back then. 🤣
Mr. Gengler though…he took my love of music to the next level. His love of it…beautiful. He was known for many years for always leading our band to first superior at our competitions. He always got us a first superior. Remarkable as a music teacher. I loved watching him work with the brass section at times. We would be playing a song and a section wasn’t playing it the way he wanted it played so he would stop us all…single out the section causing the problem. He would direct them until he was satisfied and then start us over again. My favorite was hearing those boys play those coronets. Spectacular.
Because of him, I grew to love orchestra music, classical music, and a bit of jazz. He helped me to learn to listen to each instrument…each section and see the beauty in it. To pick it apart and then put it back together as a whole again. A beautiful man.
Breathe
As soon as I heard the first few notes of my first song…I just melted. I needed to hear that song this morning…He KNOWS what we need. Even when it is painful.
The next song on the list is Radiohead’s Creep. I play it a LOT. Thom’s voice…wow…wonderful. Mesmerizing to me. I love the darker tones in it combined with the slower softer melody. Reminds me so much of Disturbed’s Sound of Silence version and Greenday’s Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Those songs have that same dark feel to them. There can be such beauty even in the darkness. In the darkest times of my life…Father is always there. Sitting across from me.
When I was lamenting my time in Hell…He gave me a vision of it to help me understand something. I was in an office chair. I was on fire. Under me and around me was this horrible fire and I was burning. I was screaming blood curling horrible screams. Unimaginable. Something I will never forget. While screaming…my skin was burning off. It was falling onto the floor. My eyes were falling out…etc. A gruesome sight to see and hear. Sitting across from me was Father. He wanted me to know though I was trapped in Hell and burning alive…as the whole burnt offering…He was there with me. Would never leave me. He wouldn’t leave me to burn and die there alone.
I was in darkness, but He was there with me. Helping me through. Creep reminds me of the darkest time of my life and that He was there with me.
The third song…Get Free by Lana Del Rey. Love that slow steady darker soft melody. I wanted to get set free. Eventually, I did. Thankful. So very thankful.
I feel empty. My teapot has been poured out, so it is time to quit. He has said all He wants me to say today. I always say I am the little teapot. He fills me up then tips me over and pours me out as the drink offering.
Hope you enjoyed the drink.
With much love…and a bit of intimacy… 🥰