Donovan and Mitchell do not read my blog. Today, I am thankful because they strongly dislike this picture of them as children. BUT…it is hands down…my favorite picture of these two boys. It used to sit on my coffee table in a frame…which was appalling to them. All those protests just made me smile. 😜
Here is the main reason I like this picture of them…they are close. Intimacy between two brothers. This picture represents what I always wanted for my children. For the siblings to be close. To be friends for life. To value one another and invest in having a close-knit, healthy relationship with each other.
It was one of the values I had…and tried to instill in my children.
Why?
I grew up in a toxic home. My mom was passive-aggressive and cold. My dad struggled with anger and took it out on my younger brother. Our home was dark, cold, ugly, and every man for himself. I grew up in survival mode. My goal each day was to try and live through another day. Some days…I didn’t think I would make it.
NO warm fuzzies in my home.
No loving touches.
No encouragement.
No love.
As a child growing up in a cold home without love…I decided at a young age I wanted my home to be different. I wanted to love my children…the best I could. It was important to me…they KNEW I loved them…no matter what. Even though I had no IDEA how to be a parent…I wanted to parent with love. That was clear to me…even as a child.
I wanted better for my children than what I had as a child. When I say that…I am not talking about material things. I am talking about spiritual things. Fruit. His fruit. The fruits of Holy Spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, faithfulness, intimacy, etc.
My parents had absolutely no idea how to have a healthy relationship with each other. Nor did they have any clue as to how to have a healthy relationship with their children. Years later, as my dad matured…he learned which enabled us to reconnect and become close before he passed away.
Longing for Intimacy
Growing up being deprived of any kind of close, healthy, intimate relationship…made me long for one. There is a lot to that…right? More than I have time to share here. My point for this post is regarding sibling relationships…my son’s.
I didn’t grow up with love. I grew up with hate. Hatred. Division. Jealousy. Lies. Backstabbing. Backbiting. Strife. Drama. Trauma. Malice. Gossip. Etc. All negative character traits.
With these traits…you can’t build. They are destructive…not constructive. They take away…subtract…rather than add. The enemy is always stealing, dividing, and destroying. The enemy ran our home.
It was hard “living” in that home. There was no air to breathe. No Spirit. No life. Only death. No food to feed the bellies of my soul and my spirit. I was always hungry…hungry for love. For connection…intimacy. Hungry for anything good. Desperate. I was suffocating in that environment, and I knew it. But as a child, I had no idea how to fix the problem. I wasn’t sure there was a better way. Instead, I felt trapped in this world…a world that had no love.
It wasn’t until I came into a relationship with Father that I found the solutions for every problem I ever had.
He created each problem…but He is also the solution to every problem.
We have to go to Him to get the fixes we need.
He gave me the intimacy I had been longing for all those years.
Looking Behind Me
As a young mother with multiple children, I started to look behind me. Study my backtrail. Looking at my childhood. What was good? What was bad? Thinking about…how could I reproduce the good…and NOT reproduce the bad?
I wasn’t sure…but I wanted to learn.
One of the things about my childhood that always made me sad…was the lack of connection…love…from my brothers. It was painful for me…to realize they couldn’t love me…when I wanted that so badly from them.
I spent some time doing inner healing on that issue. Taking the lies I believed about that situation…to Father…offering them up to Him…and exchanging MY lies with HIS truths. As I made those exchanges…giving Him my offerings…I understood. The understanding left me with His peace.
It is impossible to get love from someone who does not possess it. For me to expect love from someone who doesn’t have it to give…is my problem. I had UNREALISTIC expectations from them. That was my issue and I had to repent to Father for that…which I did.
It allowed me to move forward in my life with peace not feeling like my natural siblings owe me anything…not even love.
Moving Forward
Although my siblings could not love me, I wanted my children to love their siblings. I wanted my children to have something I never had as a child…still don’t have as an adult…and never will. The exchange of love…between natural siblings.
This was important to me. Very.
I have never been a fan of sibling rivalry. It is ugly. Breeds division. Dissension. Discord. It is debilitating in a family. It is of the enemy.
I wanted my children to love one another instead of hating each other. To support one another instead of tearing each other down. Cheer each other onward and upward. Be encouraging to each other instead of discouraging.
The desires of my heart seemed an impossible dream to achieve for me. I hadn’t a clue how to achieve it. How do you teach children something when you have never been taught yourself? Seemed impossible to me.
Each day, as I parented…I asked Father for His guidance. Holy Spirit’s job…is to be our guide. To guide us through the places of darkness where we cannot see…into the light. To show us the truth. The way that sets us free.
His truth sets us free from lies, trauma, drama, division, hatred, etc.
The Battle
As always…I am transparent. You just get real and raw here.
It was a battle for me.
I had to fight the enemy for my children. ON MANY fronts. Multi-levels. Multifaceted. Too complicated to type out. I will focus on one small facet of the battle.
Donovan had a hard heart as a child. He was an angry young child. Lots of reasons for that. I will share one here.
One day when the kids were young, I was literally on my face before Father. This is how I parented my children. Prone with my nose in the carpet or on my knees with my nose in the carpet. NOT kidding.
Lamenting
I was lamenting to Father how much I loathed Donovan. Couldn’t stand him. He didn’t like me either. We didn’t get along…at all.
While telling Father He needed to fix my son, He stopped me and said this. Where do you think he got that from? Look in the mirror. He learned it from you. He is your mini-me. Let me worry about your son. I want to fix YOU first…then I will fix him.
OUCH! I repented to Father. Humiliating.
Then I went to Donovan and apologized to him as well. I shared with him the conversation I just had with Father…and informed him…I would be working on my issues. THEN we would work on his.
In addition to this…Father said…HUG your son.
Because I had grown up in a very cold, loveless environment…hugs were very hard for me. It pushed me outside of my comfort zone. Touch was scary to me.
So, I put a Post-it note up on my mirror as a reminder…HUG your son.
I Did
It worked. I hugged him…and I changed. Donovan’s heart began to soften…and so did mine. We grew to love one another.
Later, I got a call from a woman who had heard I could help her with a rebellious child she was struggling with. Her daughter was hard-hearted, and a friend gave her my number and told her to call me. We set up an appointment to meet.
After I got off the phone, I sat down with Donovan and asked him…do you KNOW what happened between us? Like…what changed your heart? What fixed this situation?
Immediately…WITHOUT hesitation…he simply said…well…mom…you started hugging me. OUCH…AGAIN…but melt my heart. It was love. Love had healed the heart.
As the boys were growing, Donovan still struggled with a hard heart.
I fought for him. Fought for his heart. I didn’t quit.
As part of the issue, he was mean to Mitchell. He would often say cruel things to him. Things that would hurt to hear.
One of the ways I responded to him…would be to correct him immediately. I would say…you will NOT talk to MY son that way.
I wanted him to understand…this is not just YOUR brother…but this is MY son you are speaking negatively to…and it is UNACCEPTABLE to me. You don’t treat MY son in that manner. If you do…you answer to me…not just your brother.
During these years, when the siblings would have disagreements…I would sit them down and teach them how to work through those issues. I would become the mediator…trying to mediate respect, forgiveness, and peace. My goal was to be a peacemaker…NOT a peacekeeper. There is a huge difference between the two.
Sometimes it worked…sometimes it didn’t. But I never stopped trying. I never gave up.
Vanessa…My Right Hand
When Vanessa came into our home…she fell in love with Mr. Mitchell Man. What is NOT to love about that child? He is one of the sweetest men you will ever meet. Tender and gentle. Loving and funny. Quirky in the funniest of ways. Respectful of all people and super smart. So much to love about Mitchell.
Mitchell became the younger brother Vanessa never had. The two of them became buddies and spent a lot of time together having fun.
With Vanessa in our family, I shared with her…my heart’s desire to see Donovan love Mitchell the way I had always desired him to. Armed with this information and picking up my desires, she assisted me in working towards this goal.
We won the battle.
As time went on…Donovan grew to love his younger brother as we all do.
A few years ago, I asked Donovan…would you talk to Father about mentoring Mitchell? I believe you are supposed to invest in him and help build him up as a man.
He jumped right in and has been investing in Mitchell ever since.
I am SUPER grateful I didn’t give up on the desires of my heart. As a result, Donovan and Mitchell have become very close over the years.
The Victory
Sometimes you have to fight for the hearts of the people you love.
BUT ONLY IF you have the promise from Father…that you will indeed win their heart. AND…you must do it HIS WAY…being led by His Spirit…not man’s way of the flesh. Super important.
I have ZERO desire to fight for a heart in vain. It is a waste of my time and energy.
Today…I am SUPER thankful I fought the battle and won. Watching my sons work together and play together melts my heart daily. Last night, I listened to the two of them talking on the phone trying to find some dates to bring the two families together for a few days. I truly sat and listened in awe.
The responsibilities of parenting…wow…hard work…every single day. But the rewards…far outweigh the work…when done rightly. I am meaning righteously. His way…not man’s. A work of His Spirit…not a work of the flesh.
Eternal Souls
When you as a parent realize your children are ETERNAL SOULS…and EVERY SINGLE DECISION you make daily is a determining factor in where your children will spend their eternity…it changes you. At least it should. It did me. That truth…guided my every decision from pregnancy moving forward.
It propelled me to learn, change, and grow…to become a better woman to raise children to have emotional skills and spiritual skills I didn’t have while I was growing up.
Material things profit you nothing if you lose your own soul.
Material things will haunt you if you lose the souls of your children to Hell for eternity.
Once you cross the threshold…no second chances. You get one chance…Earth. Make your parenting choices matter…in the positive…for LIFE…eternally. E
2 thoughts on “Donovan and Mitchell”
Crystal, you have done an outstanding job raising those two boys against odds!
This post made me think of my own life as a boy and the life I’ve had with my sons. They are in their late teens, and a parent couldn’t be more proud.
Growing up, some of my earliest memories are of me, being a frightened little boy in my own house. Mom and Sis were loving and caring, but dad was the disciplinarian. He was a man’s man.
The thing that scared me the most was being forced to eat food I didn’t want for whatever reason: Look, taste, smell or name.
Dad grew up in the depression and you ate everything put on your plate-no exceptions. I knew if I didn’t clean my plate, I’d get the hot end of his belt coiled up on the table. No gagging allowed.
I made a promise to myself, then that when I grew up, I would eat whatever I want, and nobody would control what crosses my lips. I’ve pissed a lot of people off with that, but won’t budge. If I don’t want to eat it thousands of dollars can’t make me do it. I can’t.
I think there’s so much generational influence in peoples lives whether it’s poverty or prejudice, cleaning your plate or other. Crystal and I have broken some of that by raising our sons better as I’m sure many other parents also have. I never forced mine to eat any food and I didn’t whip them. Crystal instilled love although she grew up in a home lacking.
With God’s grace, I pray more parents realize generational transgressions, accept the challenges and make those changes.
Thank you for your kind words.
I hate that we are all raised up under such pressure at times. Parenting was hard for me. I was verbally abusive to my children when they were younger. Just trying to get out from under the anger and abuse I was raised in myself. I finally got healed of that but it was a long journey. We can do better and be better if we have the desire to acknowledge our own faults, grow through them, and change.