It is kind of crazy at times how Father works in my life. Sometimes I shake my head in disbelief…even though I should not be surprised…sometimes I am. It becomes comical at times.
Let me elaborate.
Yesterday, I was considering building a photo gallery on my site. I ran into a few glitches behind the scenes…so I am postponing the gallery. For now. I need an expert in my back pocket. I prefer to be the content creator. 😂
During this time, I was going through old pictures. I scrolled past the picture above. Didn’t think a thing about it.
It is a picture of my dad’s wife, Tammy…and myself…my feet have the blue toenail polish. We are sitting at the hospital waiting for Dad’s surgery to be completed. You may not be able to tell in the photo, but Tammy is laughing while eating. I love this picture. We laughed A LOT throughout my dad’s hospital stay. Seems crazy to have a ton of fun while someone you love is dying from cancer…but that is how we rolled. Dad was so much fun to be around. He had a wonderful positive energy that stayed with you.
Spanish Playlist
While I was scrolling through pictures yesterday, I was listening to my Spanish playlist. I have an Apple Music playlist titled Enrique. I have songs by him, and other musicians related to him. Most of the songs are all in Spanish and I have no clue what they are saying. I don’t care. I love their voices and the beat of their music makes me dance. Whatever body part can move…it does when this playlist is on. I LOVE the beat of their music. It feels amazing. I wish I could speak Spanish so I knew what they were saying and sing along…but I can’t.
My favorite song is Bailando with Enrique Iglesias, Sean Paul, Descemer Bueno, and Gente de Zona. It makes me DANCE! I think if you don’t want to dance to this song…you must be dead. The music picks me up and encourages me…crazy wonderful. It makes me feel free. Love that feeling. 💃🏻
A few of the songs on this playlist…are the English version…with some Spanish intertwined within. Even better!!!
This Morning
Upon waking, Father starts talking. He brings up Tammy…the picture above. He wants to have a conversation about her. About our past…and our present.
Specifically, about forgiveness and reconciliation. Ok…wonderful conversation. I will come back to that in a moment.
I get up and take Tonto for a walk. While walking, a friend saw me and pulled his truck over to talk with me. He pulled up with the window down and shut the truck off.
Ok…that was a sign…this was not going to be a short conversation.
In my ears, were my AirPods playing that same Spanish playlist from yesterday…I wasn’t done jamming with the men yet. Needed a bit more.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and shut my music off.
My friend wanted the scoop about my long conversation with Officer Macintosh the other day. The neighborhood is talking.🤣 We had a nice chit-chat…which led to forgiveness, gossip, growth, maturity, etc. Crazy how He makes everything line up with His theme for the day.
I already knew before I left to take Tonto for a walk that I was supposed to do a post on forgiveness and reconciliation.
I got the Point
My friend and I finish up our conversation and he drives off. I pull my phone out to hit play again. It won’t play. I push the button several times and my phone is not responding to my commands. For some reason, (Father) I look at the name of the song…KID YOU NOT…the name of the song is El Perdón (Forgiveness) by Nicky Jam and Enrique Iglesias.
I started laughing…out loud…for real. Of course, the song is about forgiveness. This particular song is the English version…the next one on the list is the Spanish version of the same song. I like to listen to both versions.
I hit play again AFTER I read the title of the song…it played. No problem. He wanted me to see the name of the song. NOW…I am really paying attention to the words Enrique and Nicky are singing.
So…that is how this post came to be…and how He continued to go out of His way to confirm to me…He wanted me to write this post.
He always does that to me. Father goes out of His way to make sure I heard Him correctly. He is good about validating His own ticket…so to speak. THIS IS the train we are traveling on…together. He will use anyone and anything to speak to you…you have to have eyes to see, ears to hear… a heart to KNOW, and a mind to understand what He is saying.
I Value Forgiveness of Heart
Many years ago, I hated my dad. I had a lot of reasons why I hated him. In 4th grade, I remember sitting at my desk and deciding in my heart and mind…I hated him. I was ten I believe when I made that decision.
Fast forward 10 years or so…I entered into the marriage covenant with Christ. One of the first things He wanted to clean up in my heart was the unforgiveness and hatred toward my dad. I didn’t know how to do that. I asked Him to do it for me. Show me how to forgive.
My mentor at the time shared her story about how she forgave her dad. It didn’t help me.
I went home that day and I said to Father again…you have to do this for me.
He told me to call my dad on the phone.
I had no idea where my dad lived…hadn’t talked to him in years. I looked through our pile of phone books.
Side Note
For those of you who have no idea what phone books are…at that time…cell phones did NOT exist. We had what we called landline phones. If you needed someone’s phone number…you looked them up in phone books. A catalog of phone numbers of people who lived in a certain area. Yes…I am old. 😆
The Question
I checked the phone books we had, and his name was in a county near mine.
It was about 10 at night. I dialed him up. He answered. I said…I have one question for you. Are you sorry?
His response…I have nothing to be sorry about.
Ok…thanks…then I hung up.
I Forgave Him
Instantly. It was a work of Father’s Spirit. I KNEW experientially at that moment…he had no clue what he had done. I felt sorry for him. I had compassion. He didn’t know my pain. He had no idea how he had hurt our family.
It was truly over for me. The unforgiveness was gone. I was free.
It was at that moment…that I understood the value of forgiveness.
Here is why.
For over a decade…I had carried the weight of hatred toward a man. It nearly destroyed me. Hatred is death. The death inside me caused me to make choices of death…NOT life choices but death choices. I made very bad decisions out of anger, hatred, unforgiveness, bitterness, etc. I felt ugly inside…all the time. It was horrible. I couldn’t escape the pain of the hatred. I felt the death inside. Awful. Unclean. Dirty.
The moment I forgave him…I felt lighter. Better. More at peace within myself.
Fast Forward Years…
I didn’t know…but Father was working in my dad’s heart. He was softening him.
Now Father wants me to enter into a relationship with my dad and his wife. I was supposed to invite them to a Father’s Day dinner at my house.
That meant I needed to talk to my grandfather. My dad’s dad. He had become like my dad to me and he ate dinner at my table every Sunday…for many years. I catered to my grandpa. I loved him dearly. He was an important man in my life.
My grandfather still carried hatred toward my dad and his wife Tammy. Unfortunately, he took that hatred to his grave with him.
I sat down with Grandpa and shared with him the plan to have Dad and Tammy over for Father’s Day. I wanted them all at my table. Grandpa was not happy about the plan. He shared his feelings about it. Not pleasant. I told him…Grandpa…it is time to forgive.
He didn’t agree, but he did agree to attend the dinner and behave himself for me.
That Father’s Day…I began a reconciled relationship with my dad and his wife Tammy.
The Apology
The relationship started shallow…very tentative on my part. As the years went by…it grew.
During this season…Dad, Tammy, and I had a few conversations about the past…in which they both apologized to me. They took ownership of their sins…their mistakes…and they shared their hearts with me about the situation.
I understood…I believe they understood. We came to a place of understanding each other’s hearts…and loving each other despite the issues in the past. It was beautiful.
Our Morning Conversation
This morning, Father and I were discussing Tammy.
Tammy is a LADY. A high-class lady. They are hard to find in this world today. I love her deeply. She has become a friend to me over the years. I see her value in this world.
She LOVED…still loves my dad…deeply…with passion. That is also a rarity in this world today. I am a better person through my relationship with my dad and Tammy. That is true because of Father’s work in our hearts. The character He built within us all…but most importantly through forgiveness.
Had I not forgiven my dad…I would have missed out on some of the most beautiful experiences of my life. I would have missed out on getting to know Tammy personally. Seeing and experiencing what a beautiful woman she is. How she cared so deeply for my dad…how she still cares deeply about the man who was the love of her life.
A Prison Cell
Unforgiveness is a prison cell that keeps you trapped in a place of Hell. It drives you to make poor choices that only exacerbate your pain. I know this from experience. All those years ago…I made a vow to myself that I would never carry unforgiveness again. It is too heavy of a burden for me to carry. It is destructive and the one it destroys is yourself.
Over the years, I have always been accused of being an angry woman…a woman full of hatred, bitterness, and unforgiveness because I prune those who are unrepentant out of my life. I am sad for those who believe those lies. They don’t know me…don’t know my heart. Have no clue how many I have forgiven in my life. They don’t know the capacity of my heart. The strength, the beauty, the class, and the maturity contained within my heart.
I always choose LIFE…even when those around me choose death. I want to LIVE and live abundantly. Carrying hatred and unforgiveness is death to the heart. NOT for me. I learned that lesson the hard way…tends to be how I learn.
I would encourage you to forgive those who have wronged you. If you don’t know how…ask Him to do the work for you in your heart. He will.
Last NOTE…
In Father’s Kingdom…forgiveness is a requirement. Reconciliation is not ALWAYS a requirement.
To pursue a relationship with someone who is NOT repentant…is foolish. They will only continue to steal from you. The difference is a hard heart versus a soft and tender heart. Pride versus humility.
Humble people will spill their guts in front of you. Vomit out all over you how they wronged you and ask you to forgive them for how they have wronged you. Their behavior will change. Humble repentant people will STOP doing the things that hurt you. They won’t repeat the same mistakes. They don’t WANT to repeat them. Their heart has changed so their behavior and words change. It is about the condition of their heart. See?
Discernment to KNOW the Difference
Typically, prideful people won’t apologize. They don’t own their stuff. The only time prideful, hard-hearted people will apologize is when they are doing it out of manipulation. They want something from you. You must ask Father to give you discernment to know the difference. The difference is really obvious once you know the signs of true repentance. An unrepentant person does NOT change their behavior because their heart did NOT change. Huge difference. Their sick behavior continues. They may apologize but they do it again. That is not a person who is truly sorry. That is a liar. See?
It is possible to forgive a person and not reconcile with them. That is called pruning. It is necessary at times.
Reconciliation is Possible
If someone IS repentant…reconciliation IS possible…and that can lead to a beautiful relationship.
Without repentance AND forgiveness working in tandem…my relationship with Tammy would never have been possible. I am so grateful for repentance and forgiveness…HUMILITY in action. Beautiful. I love my dear friend Tammy. Thankful she is in my family. I am grateful my heart is connected with hers. 🥰