This picture sort of depicts a whole lot of emotions I have been through during the last seven years. Great responsibility is a part of the overwhelming emotions I have experienced during this season of my life.
Most of mankind would look at me in the picture and be repulsed. They would say I look ridiculous…because I do. I am sitting at Hannah’s table in my shirt and sweatpants with my robe over the top of it…with my blue Crocs on. I look like what I am…a poor, destitute, homeless woman. A woman in great distress. Story of my life.
Moved
Near the end of December, I moved in with Hannah and Esme for the month of January. Didn’t realize I would only be there for a month. It was a short stay.
Walking with the moon under my feet is a crazy way to live. Every day is a new adventure. I have asked myself on repeat for years…how did I get here?
So much I have yet to understand about my life.
I have a post I am working on…but…this one has been sitting here since the first of January waiting on His permission to post the pics. Before I can finish the current post, I have to back up and finish this one.
Why?
Cuz I am feeling the weight of great responsibility again. I feel like I am drowning and suffocating in it today. I feel a ginormous amount of responsibility upon me. It overwhelms me at times. I am overwhelmed again today.
Sometimes when I share it by writing it out, He takes the burdens away from me. All help is appreciated…always.
I appreciate His care and concern for me.
Love
One of the things I love about this picture of Esme hugging me from behind is the love it represents.
Hannah snapped these pictures for me…I didn’t realize she was capturing the moment until afterward. Esme is a sweetheart and very sensitive. It is one of the things I love about her personality.
While I was sitting at the table trying to sort through some of the struggles I have been in with Father…Esme came up behind me to comfort Grandma.
I love the expressions on her face…but what I love most is the fact she had to stand up on her tippy toes to get her arms around me from behind. She was committed to comforting Grandma during the struggle.
Man…melt my freaking heart.
I had no idea she had even noticed me sitting there struggling. During the last seven years, I have worked hard in every single moment of those years to get on the other side of the training. His training is like no other.
Baffling would be a good word to describe it.
Jesus
Hannah and I have explained to Esme this is Grandma talking to Jesus. 😜
When we are seeking Father on different things…she is used to us closing our eyes and pushing out all distractions to hear His voice clearly. Man…I NEED to hear His voice CLEARLY. I only want to hear ONE voice and one voice only…that is His. All other voices are death.
During this season, I have said on repeat to Father…and the girls…I would have rather been Christ crucified. It would have been an easier work. I stand on that truth. My crucifixion has been excruciating beyond man’s measure and/or comprehension. My only comfort is Father, Son, and Spirit know intimately my struggles.
I had to take a small break from writing this because it feels choppy to me. No flow. I need the flow…it is how I roll. When I stopped…He spoke. I saw a number of visions. They were regarding money. I feel like He wanted me to share one of my many struggles throughout this season.
One of those struggles has pertained to finances. To be more specific, related to the lack of finances.
It has been a MAJOR work for me. M.A.J.O.R. Work.
The Choice
Choosing humiliation over man’s elevation.
WOW….ROUGH.
To follow in Christ’s footsteps…this means carrying your own cross to your own death. You CHOOSE to be crucified. It is a voluntary death. Mine was a voluntary offering. A voluntary sacrifice. I chose to become a whole burnt offering. To be consumed 100% in the fire for all of mankind.
It was a daily choice…mostly moment by moment…to continue to walk with Him carrying my cross despite how heavy it was to carry…until I no longer existed as I had.
This meant…for years…I have had the appearance of being delusional. Stupid. Foolish. Crazy. Lazy. Ignorant. Etc.
To strangers…no big deal…but to the people I loved the most…a hard work.
I had to kill my own flesh. Say no to my own fleshly desires.
One series of choices was to follow His financial plan for my life. Wow…that was killer.
I have smarticles. Organized. Orderly. Disciplined. Honorable. That is me. I am a hard worker. LOVE to work. Could easily USE work as an addiction. Obsessively so.
The Past
MANY years ago, I asked Father to make me a wise money manager…a wise steward of His money. He did that.
I was doing the Dave Ramsey plan before Dave became a thing. Father and I quickly knocked out some debt when I was in my early twenties so I could come home and be a stay-at-home mom. I then saved money up to buy land. Saved up more for a down payment to build a home on that land. I was the general contractor for that home. I chose who to hire for my building needs. It was me who made all the decisions. Man…I loved every moment of managing every aspect of building that home…from procuring the financing for it, choosing the design, hiring my contractors, supervising the daily work, and nearly paying that home off before the marriage came to an end.
During those years, I built retirement funds, invested money into a variety of accounts, and developed a good understanding of financial investing.
I know how to manage finances in an honorable way…and how to build with it.
Choosing Humility
When this seven-year imprisonment saga started in the fall of 2017, Father lowered me to a whole new level of humility. A level I did not know existed yet. I quickly learned.
Over the last seven years, I have come to a greater KNOWledge of Him as my provider. KNOWing Him intimately in that area of who He is.
It was something I said to Him in 2007…I want to KNOW you as my provider. I don’t KNOW you like that.
WOW…that was a loaded request. Within a few weeks…my ex’s affair was exposed…and now I am a single, stay-at-home, homeschooling mom with no income and a husband who allegedly got “fired.” He had repeatedly promised me…”if you divorce me…I will quit my job and not pay you a dime.”
That began my financial journey of KNOWing Him as my provider intimately.
Although the courts did order my ex to pay…what money he did contribute in monthly support…Father made me quietly give away. Every bit of it.
It made it easier to dismiss when the support suddenly stopped coming in. I never relied on it…instead, I relied on Father as my provider.
Back then, I chose to continue following Him on the path He had chosen for me…despite the opposition it caused me.
Many said I was lazy and refused to work. Instead of explaining my actions and choices…and/or defending myself…I went to Father for direction.
Father always told me…you have a job. You work for me. I was going to be like Moses’ mother…who got paid to raise Moses.
He did that for me. He took care of me financially while I continued to be a stay-at-home mother.
That too was a stressfully painful journey for me.
The last seven years…took it up a notch in pain though. To get high in Father’s Kingdom…you must go low. The lower you go here…the higher He will elevate you there.
The Opposition
It has taken every fiber of strength I have some days to keep my mouth shut and NOT defend my actions and my choices.
Man simply can’t understand. The flesh can’t comprehend the mind of the Spirit.
I have been sharing with Vanessa lately…I know at some point in time…I will be required to share my story. It overwhelms me for one but also baffles me. How??? How do I share when the layers are many? Multifaceted. Super complex. Incredibly complicated. Unbelievable really.
People don’t believe me…this is why I stay silent mostly. I am required to share on this blog. I take comfort in the fact I am hidden still here. It helps. 😂
My story is so deep, so wide, so long…I don’t know how to share the complexity of it. It is a massive puzzle with gazillions of pieces. Each piece contains a story within the story. Every piece is vital in understanding the other pieces.
It is why I quit filing notes regarding Truth…Bible…Christ. The complexity hurts my mind. The interdependency is mind-boggling. It is best just to store it in my mind and not attempt to put it on paper.
I feel the exact same feeling regarding my life story. Just stay silent. Easier.
The Truck
While I was living at Hannah’s, the truck I used to own…but Father made me sign over to my son Mitchell…broke down. The starter went out. I called to get an estimate. $1,000 to fix it.
In my mind, it was done for. Crystal Ann didn’t have the money to fix it. Also, it has over 300,000 miles on it. That Chevy Colorado has been a beast. Love the ole girl. Badass…been many miles together. When asking Father what to do about the truck…He said…you won’t need it.
Wow…ok. Well…now what??? No response.
A week or so later, He wanted me to move back to Michigan with Donovan and Vanessa. Per His orders, I rented a car for the drive back.
Recently, I asked Father…hey…what do I do about the truck? It can’t sit in Hannah’s driveway much longer. We are preparing for the Second Exodus here…as a prophetic picture of the Bride of Christ…she is making preparations for the exit.
His response was…it is Mitchell’s truck…ask him.
From the time the truck broke down…to the day I called him…Mitchell and Bobbi had purchased a home in the area preparing to move back to Indiana. Now the truck has a driveway to sit in until Mitchell can fix it himself.
I find that amazing how Father arranged the order and timing of taking care of the truck.
Choosing to Wait
One of the hardest pieces of my death is knowing I can do it my way…fixing the “issues” in my life. For example, I COULD go get a job somewhere and be an AMAZING employee for someone. I could also start my own business and do things MY WAY…making oodles of money utilizing the gifts, talents, and abilities I have in my flesh. If I did this…no more sitting in debt. No more lack of.
I could show people the skills I have…cuz I have them. I could elevate myself.
Instead…I choose to sit and wait. I choose humiliation. Choosing to sit in what man thinks is a pigpen of slothfulness and delusion.
I choose to follow in Christ’s footsteps and do it Father’s way…to elevate Him here…instead of me.
Burdens
30-plus years ago…when I started this journey…I had no idea where it was going to lead me. How low I would go. How high I would have to climb.
I didn’t know the training I would endure for the job I would be required to perform.
Today…I know. It overwhelms me some days.
SO many souls at stake. The stakes are high. The responsibility is great. Beyond my comprehension in this moment yet I feel the burdens of it. At times, all I can do is cry from the weight of it. The pressure is crushing.
I am waiting. Waiting on His timing. It is worth the wait. He is worth the wait. You are worth the wait.
Just felt led to share today.