Healing

I tell you; I get happier every day. Crazy how this is all working out for me.

Father promised to heal me COMPLETELY, 100%. That is what He told me YEARS ago. Still waiting on that healing. BUT, I am getting there. S.L.O.W.L.Y. (Just feel the need to point that out.) He expects me to OBEY immediately yet when He promises me something…He takes His own sweet time in the matter. Kind of one way if you ask me. I always tell Him…ALL about you. 🤨

When He told me He was going to heal me completely, 100%…I don’t remember asking Him about that. Maybe I did, but if I remember right that kind of came out of the blue one day. It was a warning word…meaning, hey Crystal…just going to give you a word to stand on because you are getting ready to go through a series of medical surgeries and procedures. You are going to FEEL HORRIBLE and think you are never going to get better…so I am just putting a prefix on that experience.

Now…that is nice in hindsight to understand…but at that age of maturity years ago…I didn’t know it was a warning word. A prefix to start a season of my life where I felt hopeless…like I was never going to be able to function properly again. And a suffix to tell me how it was going to end for me. Like book ends. Front and back.

Now when I hear a positive word…I am leery.

Over and Under

Vanessa and I have this conversation on repeat. It brings us great joy to replay it every once in a while. We both are a bit sassy. Well…the whole family is. I will just be honest about it. I raised my kids to speak their minds even to me…so I hear it often. Not even one bit of fear in them to tell me what they think. A blessing and/or a curse…jury is still out on that one.

I always say to Father…when you show me or tell me something positive…you make it sound and look SO GRANDIOSE. I mean He intoxicates me with what He is saying and showing me. Then when it happens…I am SORELY disgusted with Him. I am like…that is it???? Are you serious? That is what you meant??? Really. Wow…way to UNDERWHELM ME. Why bother showing me that then?????? 🤔😖

Then…when He shows me something negative is going to happen…I see it. I hear it. And it feels a bit benign to me. Then when it happens…HELL. I am OVERWHELMED. 😳

Do you see a problem there? Cuz I do. That is messed up man. His ways are not our ways.

Vanessa

Vanessa got to experience this firsthand, so she can relate to what I am saying here.

While Vanessa was pregnant the first time, I told her…hey…we should sit down and work on some inner healing about the birth process. She was super set on everything being natural. No pain meds. No epidural. No medication. Period. She was not budging on her birth plan. She typed that baby up on the computer. Had it in a binder. Each person participating had their own personal binder with their responsibilities during and after. She was on it.

I was getting a bad feeling about her firm stance on how the birth was going to take place. It was a work of her flesh. She was determining how that baby was going to be born…not letting Father determine the plan. We can plan and we can have desires, but He is in charge of our lives. That means sometimes our plans don’t go according to our plans. See my statement above…it is ALL about Him. 🤨 I am a seasoned woman.

The day came for us to sit down and do inner healing on her stance. I told her…we need to plan for if you have to do an epidural. To me…I always start at the worst-case scenario and work my way backward. If I can handle the worst…I am good. I can handle anything in front of that. It is just how I roll. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. In my naive little pea brain…her having to do an epidural was the worst case. In hindsight, the deaths of both mother and baby would have been the worst…but I KNEW that wasn’t going to happen. Father has given me promises about my children…so I was secure in their lives.

Medical Intervention

While doing inner healing…Father told Vanessa there would be “medical intervention.” She wasn’t a fan of the idea, but the feeling He gave her with the word was that same benign feeling He gives me when He says something HORRIBLE is going to happen. We went through our list about labor and delivery, and she was peaceful…so we quit. Left it at that. All set for the baby to come.

The labor and delivery were a nightmare. After three days of labor, they broke her water. After laboring for hours, they gave her some pit. Later comes an epidural…she is exhausted. The epidural doesn’t work. Hours later, they try another epidural. The second one doesn’t work. By now, she is feverish and has an infection. By 5 am on the day of the birth, I knew we were getting ready for an emergency c-section. I knew Vanessa had no clue that was coming, but I was reading the writing on the wall here. By 6 am, the doctor came in and announced the baby had to come out. Donovan, Vanessa, and I were all crying. It was rough.

Remember how I said neither epidural worked? Well…they kind of forgot that when they took her in and opened her up. She felt every cut. Screaming bloody murder through it. Donovan thought she was dying. They were pumping her IV full of drugs to knock her out.

By the time the kids got back to the room, she was nearly comatose. Completely knocked out.

She desired to nurse the baby immediately, but she doesn’t even know she exists at this point. I pulled her breast out and worked to get Ahnalaya latched on while Donovan watched. The nurse wasn’t happy with me, felt we should wait on a lactation consultant who would come later. Ummm…no ma’am. Vanessa was adamant about the birth plan, and NOTHING has gone according to the birth plan so I felt I could at least get her to latch on…or get used to momma.

He was NOT kidding when He said there would be medical intervention in such a benign way. Vanessa was like a mad hornet over that. She was MAD at Him for quite some time. Just the phrase medical intervention would make her blood boil. 😂🤣 Now we laugh about it.

Redemption

What is incredible is how her second labor and delivery went.

Father sent her to Colorado Springs for that one. There…they had a birth center with midwives and doulas. That girl had an appointment every week with someone…sometimes multiple. She had started cleaning up her diet right after Ahnalaya’s birth so she could be healthier. When in Colorado, she was working with many practitioners. A nutritionist. A chiropractor to keep her body adjusted. A physical therapist to get everything stretched and functioning properly. Etc. She was determined to have that natural birth. It is hard to find a doctor who will do a V-BAC. BUT…she is headstrong. It was going to happen in her mind. She was healthier and she found the birthing center that was willing to get her body ready for that. It worked. Archer was born in a water bath in a very small, quiet, peaceful, beautiful room while little Ahnalaya Ann got to participate in the entire thing. Within just a few hours, they were all back home. Very peaceful birth.

We learned a very valuable lesson about Vanessa’s body. This labor lasted five days. The center has only ever had one other mother who went almost as long as Vanessa did. The girl was exhausted, but she powered through the five days without medical intervention in her labor and delivery. The first birth, medical professionals pushed the birth too quickly. She wasn’t ready. Now we know.

Healing

Vanessa and I get a good laugh out of our over-and-under conversations. She gets me…truly…for she has experienced His many ways with words. He does have a way with words.

As I was walking this morning, I saw the buck in the featured image. Isn’t he adorable???

Every day I kick up deer and scare turkeys away. This time, I had kicked up his buddy who ran off. This guy came out and stood there and stared at me…so I took the opportunity to get a shot of him. With the camera…😂 No guns on me.

I was feeling kind of bad this morning. The guy that hunts on this property came the other day and put up all these trail cams. Well…I walk along the entire path of those cameras so every time I pass by one, I can hear that gentle click of it snapping my picture. I laugh but also feel bad because his cameras are going to have a daily shot of me on them walking by all four of them. Some days, I walk more than once.

I think it might irritate the poor guy when he sees those pics. 😂

The walks help bring healing. Nature is a healing place for me. I am living in what I call my little cabin in the woods. On a farm back in the country I grew up in. It is nostalgic driving on roads I drove on while growing up in Illinois.

Father is giving me my joy back. Finally. His nickname for me is Joy Burst. Haven’t had a lot of joy for a while but it is back. The healing is coming in greater measure. Getting there. Someday…it will be a complete work. I look forward to that day.