I feel like this post about honor is a powerful post for reasons I fail to see at this moment. In fact, I am doing this post for me. I am aware the purposes and power in this story are multifaceted. In doing this post, I am hoping I get more insight. I need to see and understand concepts I still have yet to see and understand. It is my current belief; I will get them as I type and/or after I hit publish.
I need more processing about it all. Need to see things from the hindsight perspective I believe. Painting with a wide brush as I look back over the last few years.
Before I begin to share a bit about our story…Hannah and I…I want to mention I have Hannah’s permission to share this. That is something I have always felt I needed from the kids over the years. It has taken a few months for her to reach this milestone in her walk with Christ. The giants of pride and vanity in her life are falling. A proud Momma moment for me. 😍
Questions
A few years ago, Hannah began struggling with Father. She had questions and no answers.
While on maternity leave, Esme’s biological father moved out. This started an emotional and spiritual downward spiral in Hannah’s life. So many skills to learn as a new mother…but now she has to learn them as a single mother while working full-time to support herself and her daughter. In addition, she has a long list of emotional issues she needs to deal with from the end of a long-term relationship. This was the man she had planned on marrying…spending the rest of her life with. Rejection is at the top of the list of issues to deal with here.
In addition to the full plate she is carrying at home in her own life, she is walking with me as I am trapped in Hell. Watching Father drag me through Hell triggered her severely. Hannah’s questions continued to pile up, while the answers were still not forthcoming. The fire I lived in was HOT…and she was already in emotional turmoil.
The pain began to take its toll on Hannah. She started looking for comfort in the wrong places.
Boundaries
Hannah started gravitating to a married man. A man who was married to a woman I called my friend.
I saw the storm blowing in and repeatedly warned Hannah to abort.
At first, I was loving with her. Patient. Kind, yet firm. I shared with her reasons why this was not a good road to travel down. We had lots of conversations about why this was a really bad idea.
The man was operating with the enemy. Hannah agreed…and knew also this was demonic.
The darkness and demonic aspect of it was part of the allure for her.
I was CRYSTAL clear with her on repeat…if you choose to follow this path…I am not going with you. You will go alone. I will not support this. I will not enable this. My love for you will not change, but I will not be walking this path of death with you. I choose life.
She understood she must choose between Father and I or Satan and the man.
She chose Satan and the man.
Separation
This began a period of separation between Hannah and I, but also most of our family and Hannah.
Eventually, Hannah started to slowly come out of the darkness. She was moving into Christ’s light. She asked Father to bring her community. Following this request, He brought some people into her life who were Christians in the Christian Religious System. I call them kingdom people as they are more on the charismatic side of the spectrum.
During this time, Hannah was searching for answers from Father. Searching for truth…for help. For healing from the emotional and spiritual pain she was in.
She tried a variety of things the C.R.S. has to offer people for their pain. Father moved her forward enough to bring the two of us back together again. I felt as if Father was showing me Hannah’s heart was coming to a place of submission.
It took another year or so to get to this point, but we are here now. That is the important part of this story…we made it to the place of humility of heart. Humble submission to Father.
Dishonor
Once we got back together, not only did we need to deal with a massive list of her issues, now we have a whole new set of problems.
One piece of the puzzle here is the fact that Hannah has had narcissistic tendencies. Her life has always been about her…self-absorbed and everyone serves her. Cater to her. She always had the victim mindset…entitled…everyone owed her. She was a pathological liar and always manipulating people for her personal agenda.
When she connected with her Christian community, she painted a pretty negative picture of me…and our family for the kingdom people. There were five in particular. I call them…the five. 😜
Hannah’s mindset was…I abandoned her. I victimized her. Mom rejected her. To Hannah…Mom was guilty. This was because I set healthy boundaries with her…which she didn’t like.
This is the story she gave the five. She dishonored me…with the five. Dishonored our family…with the five. Because Hannah shared her lie-based emotions and beliefs with the five, their perception of me…was based on lies.
They didn’t know me or our family. They also didn’t know the truth because Hannah wasn’t telling them LARGE portions of the truth. Hannah was only telling them what made her look better and gave her more sympathy with the five.
Damages
That being said, there has been much work to be done…both spiritually and emotionally inside of Hannah…but also with her relationships with the family as well. We have been working…hard. Lots of conversations. Many have been painful for Hannah.
In a recent convo, she mentioned she believed I felt differently about her than I did the other children. I was honest with her about the fact that even though I loved her…I didn’t like her.
I would say this conversation is what finally started what later became a light bulb moment so to speak. In my explanation, I shared with her the years of damages that she had accumulated in this relationship. You can’t build a healthy relationship on lies. You can’t build trust on lies. Truth must be the foundation of rock you lay in order to build a relationship that lasts long-term.
I told her…I didn’t damage this relationship. I have continued being 100% me 24/7 as I have continued on the path of life. She was the one who veered down a different road. I am not the one who is guilty in this scenario. Always, I spoke the truth to her in love trying to keep her from bringing additional pain to herself along with death and curses. She chose to disobey Father. I did not.
If she wanted the relationship repaired and restored…that was her responsibility…not mine. Same with the other relationships in the family. Her job to bring restoration to them as well. The work would be hers to do.
Restoration
In a conversation later, Hannah asked me…what do you need from me to restore this relationship. I wasn’t sure. One thing I did know…I needed honesty. I needed her to become a woman of integrity. A woman who spoke the truth no matter what it cost her. If I couldn’t trust her…there was never going to be anything to build upon. To build anything on lies is foolishness…it is the foolish man building on the sand.
I also told her…you have five people in your life who don’t know the truth about me. Don’t know who I really am and what I have really done for you. These people think poorly of me because you have consistently lied to them about me.
Hannah asked me…would it help you if I told them the truth?
I said…I am sure it would. I don’t feel as if I need that in the sense…I don’t care what man thinks of me. However, in order to trust her again, I need to see her humble herself and be honest about what really happened. Start telling people the truth about who she is. Who she was. What she has done. Hannah needed to tell them for herself. For her own growth and maturity. To pay not just the sin offering to Father, but the guilt offering to me and the others involved.
Honor
She did. Not long after the last conversation, Hannah made appointments to meet with each of the five.
One thing I said to her before the meetings was this…I am not convinced you fully understand what you did yet.
Out of the heart the mouth speaks. You can hear the heart if you listen to the words…and the absence of certain words.
Father reminded me…we teach our children to say they are sorry when they are young, and still don’t understand why they are saying sorry…while they are not yet sorry. Obedience comes first even when lacking understanding. It is about training our children to do it the right way…the righteous way.
What I found really cool was…as the meetings took place, Hannah began to understand what she was failing to understand before. I loved hearing how the conversations went after they took place. Getting to hear her mindset from sharing the timeline and details with these people was changing her own perspective of the past. Hannah was starting to have a relationship with the truth as she learned to tell the truth. HOW COOL IS THAT???? 😆🔥
I was SUPER proud of Hannah for the heart changes. THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING of her journey too.
Although she had dishonored me…she was paying the guilt offering and the sin offering biblically by restoring to me what she had stolen from me…honor.
Rebuilding
Hannah is rebuilding the relationship she had damaged.
As she is doing this, she is destroying the kingdom she had built for herself out of her own hands. Also, she is slaying the demonic giants…strong men who have dominated her life for so long.
I couldn’t be prouder of her.
She is destroying pride and arrogance and building humility. Learning to exercise new muscles to build strength within. Building Christ’s character in her.
She is destroying vanity and learning to lay down her own fleshly desires to pick up Father’s desires for her life. Learning He does know what is best for her. Learning to trust when before there was no trust in anyone but herself.
Hannah is destroying the giant of self-protection and allowing Father to be her protector. The strongholds are coming down in her life. Long-held strongholds.
I am super excited to walk beside her on this journey of discovery. She is making great strides in LIFE now. Submission of the heart is the biggest step to take in this process and she is finally 100% committed to the journey of walking in life, love, and light. Instead of death, self-hatred, and darkness. Woohoo!!! We are getting there! Step by step.
Respect
One of the things I told Hannah was this…as you confess your lies to the people and then tell them the truth…you will find people will develop a greater respect for you. Even though humbling yourself to that degree is scary…it is liberation. It sets you free from the lies and deception you believe inside of yourself.
Hannah has learned the truth is worth telling…the first time. Every time. There is great value in truth.
I always say…it is never wrong to tell the truth. The truth is what sets people free.
Another great lesson Hannah has learned is that…sometimes love comes in ways that feel harsh and unloving at times. Father’s correction…discipline…are born out of love.
As a mother, I correct and discipline my children because I want them to behave in such a way that is healthy. I want a healthy relationship with the people I love. It takes correction to stay on the narrow road. Maturity comes through pain…not pleasure. Purification comes through the fire…not through playing.
A New Life
Hannah is starting to build a new life now. One built with integrity. Building a life she can be proud of. A life she can love. Building a woman she can love herself because she did the work to become a woman of great value and worth. She is learning valuable lessons that she can teach her beloved daughter. Build a life with Esme to keep Esme free from the emotional and spiritual pain that Hannah endured.
Redemption is a beautiful concept that only Christ can initiate, grow, and maintain. He is in the business of taking something really ugly and making it beautiful for all to admire.
I know one day, Hannah will look back on these days and be proud of the work, and the woman she became. After years of work myself, I know that intimately.
The last few weeks have been really encouraging to me watching Hannah walk this road.
As Vanessa always says…big girls do hard things. Hannah is doing hard things. As you do the workout, the hard exercises become easy. The muscles grow stronger, and the challenges come from other places in life. The workouts never stop when on the road to maturity.
My Final Thoughts
A few thoughts for myself as I have done this post for my own processing.
My labor was not in vain…nor was the pain.
I am getting a return on my original investment.
This is more fruit from my tree of life. I think collecting good fruit is one of the best rewards I have gotten. Souls are always worth it in the end. I look forward to consuming more of Holy Spirit’s fruit from Hannah’s tree as she grows and matures. It makes me smile. A good feeling to have after all the labor.
To be continued…the goodness will follow all the days of her life.
Have a MARVY freaking day!!!!
Hug those you love. Tell them you love them…and more importantly…show them so they believe you. 💙