While on our morning walk the other day, I took these nature portraits of my granddaughter. So thankful I made her put clothes on before we ventured off on our walk. It is difficult to keep clothes on her, she takes them off almost as soon as you put them on her. It was early morning and a bit chilly to my taste so I told her she could go…on one condition…she had to put clothes on. Otherwise, I would end up carrying the bundle of joy wrapped up in my jacket. Been there done that. See? I am a woman who learns from her mistakes. The child LOVES piggyback rides which I am happily obliged to do, however NOT when I am carrying camera equipment too.
Although my backlit photos are a bit blurry, I am still displaying these pictures…because of what they represent…which I will get to in a moment. But first…
The Story
As we were walking along the trail, Ahnalaya Ann ran ahead of me. She turned to say something to me, and I saw the morning sun coming through the trees causing that beautiful early morning glow on the back of her hair. I knelt down and told her I was going to take some shots of her. She has typically been very camera-shy. I am working on getting her accustomed to me taking pictures of her.
To be completely transparent…I promised her chocolate when we got back to the house if she would let me take pictures of her and cooperate with me. This is the reason for the wonderful smiles I got from her. She was dreaming of chocolate. It makes me smile too. I introduced her to chocolate and dates which she loves just as much as grandma does. It is a bonding thing for the two of us. 😍
I took some shots with the sun behind her then I switched our positions. I put the sun behind me and in front of her to take a few shots this way. Since the sun was so bright in her eyes, I had her keep her eyes closed while she acted goofy as she does. Hence the raising of the arms with clenched fists. Her idea…not mine. It was her…being naturally her.
The Dilemma
I had a dilemma while shooting the backlit photos…I couldn’t use my on-camera flash because I was using my telephoto lens. The flash wasn’t going to reach her from where I was squatting. I didn’t have anyone else with me to use a reflector to reflect the light from the sun onto the front of her body. Also, my off-camera flash is currently broken so that was not an option either. In my mind, the only option available to me was to under-expose Ahnalaya so I didn’t overexpose her surroundings from the bright light. My exposure had to be at a place where I wasn’t overexposing with the light and yet not underexposing the front of her too much and losing data/details there either.
My other dilemma was that I am not an editor. I have VERY LITTLE experience with editing photos. I think in part, it is a laziness issue. The thought of sitting and spending time learning how to edit…is NOT attractive to me. NOT drawn to editing. BUT the main reason I haven’t spent much time on editing is I prefer the natural look to photos. Very little editing is my style. I am not into fake or dramatically altered photos. It is just not me…my thing. I certainly appreciate art in all forms, but I prefer to see things how they truly are rather than how man wants and/or portrays them to be. It is a spiritual thing for me. A much deeper heart conviction.
So in taking these shots with the limitations I had regarding the lighting…I KNEW I would have to sit down and work with the masking tool to bring back some exposure to the front of Ahnalaya Ann.
Masking Tool
I did it. Super proud of myself. I sat down and started playing with the masking tool. Through trial and error, I lightened her up. It is such a wonderful feeling when I accomplish something. I learned how to do something I didn’t know how to do before. Now I KNOW. I felt like I had put my big girl pants on and become an adult. So elated man…super happy about it. The learning is not over, I will keep practicing until it becomes natural to me and looks less like a child’s drawing, but I have started the process of mastering the masking tool. It is a big deal to me.
In the Past
Maybe a couple of years ago or so…can’t remember when. I have lost my sense of time. Not sure what happened to me regarding time…but sometime in my fairly recent past…I had an IG account. On that account, I was posting some of my favorite photos. Both old digital photos that I had stored away and photos I was currently taking as I was expanding my photography knowledge. My goal has been to try all genres inside of the photography world…not just stay in one niche. That is just who I am as a person. I am not one note or one flavor. I don’t paint with a small brush and fill in all the details, I also paint with a broad brush with large strokes. My preference is to have it all…not just parts and pieces in life.
During this period, I started practicing boudoir photography. In addition, I was working on self-portraits. It made sense to me…to combine the two. Why not? To me…practicing those shots…difficult. I was trying to learn and understand several concepts.
Concepts
- Studio lighting
- Flash set up
- Using my camera remote
- Focusing the camera when the subject isn’t in the shot yet
- Working in a white environment
- Posing
- Self-posing
- Posing when I couldn’t see myself through the camera lens
There were many facets of understanding that I was trying to grab a hold of…in one session.
After practicing for a while, I felt like I had some decent shots. Not great…but acceptable to me. Decent. I KNEW I had lots of room for improvement, but I felt like for that day…I was done. It was time to quit. I posted a picture on my IG account. Super proud of the growth it took in MANY areas inside of me to post that picture. It was a spiritual thing between Father and I.
Stalkers
I have stalkers. Through the years of following Father, I have accumulated many enemies who stalk me. I don’t get it. Why bother with me if you don’t like me??? BUT…Father says…demons pick. You can’t stop demons from picking at you. It is like scabs. Some people pick at scabs. They can’t leave them alone. I am a scab for some people…they keep picking at me because there are wounds in their hearts and minds related to me and they aren’t dealing with them in THEIR hearts.
My take…not my circus…not my monkeys. Their issue…NOT mine.
I just block them and move on.
Forward Movement
I bow to Father…not to man. He wants me to pursue truth, love, and healing even when others choose not to. I keep moving forward…with or without you. If you choose to stay stuck where you are…fine. Not mad…just gotta keep moving forward. Can’t do stagnant water.
I say this because one of my stalkers saw my picture and was angry for whatever reasons. I had not blocked her account. Didn’t even cross my mind. She was in my past…not my present. Instead of confronting me privately or through her account, she made a fake one and then vomited all her toxicity out on my post. She had some really ugly things to say to me. When I read the post, I instantly knew who the person was despite the fake picture and fake name. She used her son’s name even though the picture was of a girl. Father had also shown me her talking to me on the phone before this happened and she was with the enemy…so I knew He was warning me of this moment. It all fit together and made sense.
My reaction…I deleted the comment and blocked her fake account, her real account, and her children’s accounts. I don’t engage in drama. Not for me. 🤷♀️
The Comment
One of the things she said in her comment was…the picture is not good. Something like it was a terrible picture. Can’t remember what she said exactly…but she was trashing the quality of the image. Where in my post, I was talking about my growth as a person, a photographer, and the fact I was proud of the picture. I was proud of the picture because of what it represented to me. The meaning behind it. Instead of choosing to deal with her pain, she wanted to lash out and cause me pain where she thought it might hurt the most. It backfired…the bullet missed my heart. Missed me completely…whizzing past me without any connection.
The Truth
Here is the reason her hateful comments didn’t hit the mark…hit my heart and cause me pain…I knew the truth. I knew the truth about myself…as a person, as a photographer, and the truth about my picture and post. I knew who I was and what I was doing. The intentions of my heart, generally speaking, but also specifically about that picture and post. I KNOW me…intimately. I know who I am. Why I do what I do. What I believe. What I value. Who I follow. Etc.
The truth sets us free from the pain that others try to cause us in our hearts and minds. The truth sets us free from the pain we cause ourselves. Christ is the truth and the only way we can get free is His way…by agreeing with His truth. He is the way. The truth is the way to freedom from pain. Freedom is a work of His Spirit…not a work of man’s flesh.
For thirty years, I have been working with Him and for Him to get free.
Photography to Me
I feel led to share my mind/thoughts…and my heart/feelings towards photography…what it means to me. These reflect MY heart for myself related to the hobby He gave me.
It is His Vision
Father chose this hobby for me. I started when I was 15…not by choice. It was forced upon me, expected of me, so I did it. Before I knew it, I seemed to be taking pictures of everything. I can’t say that I enjoyed it as most people enjoy their hobbies…it was something I did. Although I loved having the pictures and looking through them, I didn’t dwell on or fantasize about photography. I didn’t invest in the hobby from an emotional and mental standpoint.
A few years ago, I was considering giving photography up completely. I had raised my children which is what I took pictures of the most. My equipment was old and outdated and I needed new equipment which was going to be expensive. I knew my husband at the time wouldn’t want to spend the money on it. For me, I had lost the desire to take pictures anyway, so I thought I would get rid of my camera and call it quits.
His Dream
As I was coming to this conclusion, Father gave me a dream that was Crystal clear to me…He didn’t want me to give away my camera. Photography was His dream for me. That morning, we discussed it. He assured me…photography was not an idol and/or a solution for me…but a gift from Him and He wanted me to continue taking pictures. I remember part of that conversation so clearly, I said to Him…but my children are grown, and I don’t have anything to take pictures of. He responded immediately…you have a grandchild. Wow…He knew the right button to push to get me to stay. I was committed at that moment. He then had me purchase the new equipment.
As time went by, He gave me His vision…His goals with where He was taking me regarding photography. I was overwhelmed…in a negative way. All I could see was a mountain of work in front of me. I knew the work it would take to develop those skills. For me, it seemed impossible. I felt like He was asking too much of me…requiring too much from me. Eventually, I worked through all that emotional garbage and now I take it day by day. I have seen where we are going…and I will get there…someday. I am walking in that direction step by step by following His lead. Picture by picture…just being obedient and allowing Him to teach me in His time and in His way to develop me as the photographer He has chosen for me to be. No pressure.
Lenses of Truth
In hindsight…looking at my backtrail (the years past) …with the sun/Son behind me…I began to see one reason why He chose photography for me. It is about seeing life through the lens. Having His eyes to see LIFE…through His eyes…the lenses of truth. For years, I have said to Him…I want to see through your eyes. Give me your eyes to see. Your lenses of truth.
To us, photography isn’t just about taking pictures…it is a picture…a picture of greater truths about the woman I am inside and the woman I was created to be. A picture of our relationship. How we function. How we communicate. I am a visual thinker. I think in pictures. Seeing is paramount to me. He speaks to me through pictures…lots of pictures.
It Represents Growth to Me
My scrapbook of photography over the years is a self-portrait…images of my growth. Not just as a photographer, but also as a person. Just like this website is a self-portrait…a picture of the woman I am…and how I got here. A scrapbook, an online journal, a recording, and a portfolio of Crystal’s growth over the years. That growth also catalogs my growth in my relationship with Father…for that growth was not possible without Him.
Like in the example above where He gave me His goals/His vision of me for photography…it overwhelmed me…greatly. I couldn’t imagine doing the work it would take to accomplish His dreams/visions/goals for me. As I worked through the emotional blockades…the walls started to crumble and fall to the wayside and all the hindrances disappeared. I grew past that specific set of beliefs that were holding me back from achieving His goals for me. That is growth.
Picking up the camera today reminds me of how far I have come from the day I wanted to give it away and stop taking pictures for good.
Another example for me…the pictures in this post…which is why I am writing this all up and posting it here.
Front and Back
Three years ago, I would have snapped the pictures of Ahnalaya Ann and did not know all of the lighting surrounding her.
In comparing my back trail from where I am facing today…I can see growth in my photography skills. I have knowledge about lighting today that I didn’t back then. Also…I consider lighting today. I am thinking more critically with a photographer’s eye and mind which is something I asked Him to give me.
A few days ago, I pulled Donovan’s scrapbooks out to show Vanessa some pictures of Donovan as a child. I was horrified by the lighting in the pictures I took. KNEW that was going to happen when I looked back at older pictures. I see them differently now as I am looking at them with a more critical eye. Today, I see things differently than I did when I took those photos.
Despite the blur, these pictures represent not just my growth as a photographer but how I have matured as a woman…and again…through my intimacy with Father. It is something for me to look at and be pleased by.
The blur is a struggle for me with my eyesight. Even though I am pushing the autofocus button and have a fast shutter speed, I honestly can’t tell if the picture is blurry or not…especially on that little screen. Not sure how to fix the eyesight issue. Lol! I am open to suggestions if someone has them. Sometimes I have to ask my kids if the picture is blurry or not. Sad but true. Getting old is rough. I suspect I didn’t have my shutter speed fast enough with the lens I was using. Something to improve on in the future! So many things to remember!!
A Challenge
I am someone who values growth…to the extreme. To grow, you must be challenged beyond what you think you can do…achieve. Like working out in the gym…you must increase your weights if you want to increase strength…if you are looking for endurance…increase the reps. It is the same in our soul man and our spirit man. The only way we can strengthen the muscles of our soul man and spirit man…is to work them out. Push them beyond what we think we can do…endure. Father has a great aptitude for pushing people out of their comfort zone. I have thirty years of experience with Him being pushy.
As a result of training with Him as my personal trainer for this length of years, I have found I like being pushed…in certain areas…just need to be real about it. In some areas…not so much…but typically…I love a good challenge.
Photography is a place where I can challenge myself and see myself grow. I can feel productive and give myself a high five, a fist bump, or a pat on the back when I do a good job. Often, I say…LOOK at me go!!!! I did good. I did it! Feeling so accomplished because I did something new I didn’t want to do or didn’t think I could do. Woohoo!!! It is self-appreciating instead of self-deprecating. That too…is a big deal to me for I grew up with a negative mindset about myself.
Value and Worth
I didn’t see my value and worth. To me…I had to be negative in value and worth. Getting out of that hole was a huge uphill climb for me. One I had to battle others to win. I won the fight finally. Victory tastes sweet.
Photography is a place where I see the old me…and where I see the new me. Every single day…I see a newer version of me. I am being renewed in Him daily. Tomorrow I will be a new me again…for I continue to grow every day. I continue on the road to maturity. Such a pleasing place to walk. A wonderful place of self-worth and value…in the true humble sense…not in the arrogant sense of I think WAY too highly of self…like so many do. My value is in Him…not me.
Not a Performance
A few years ago, a friend of mine asked me to take pictures at his wedding for him. I told him no…to find someone else. Over the years, I have had a few people ask me to take pictures for them which I always decline. My heart is in the same place every time, I am not a performer for the people.
To me…photography is a sacred gift from Father. One I cherish. He gave it to me for my pleasure. Now…I realize at times; others may get pleasure from the pictures too. That is great. I would like that…very much. However, I don’t take pictures for others. I take them for an audience of two. Father…and myself. I take them for our pleasure. He derives pleasure from seeing me get pleasured by the gift He gave me…so it is a win-win for us both. If others receive pleasure from it somehow…great. Another win…but if they don’t…I still won. Much like how I feel about this website. It is for Father and I. For us to get pleasured from. If others get something positive out of it…great…if not…I am good. My purposes in doing these things…are not contingent on the opinions of man.
Expectations
Taking pictures for someone else means you have to deal with man’s expectations. They want you to perform to their standards in whatever business you are in. Man has expectations and they get really ugly when you don’t live up to their standards, rules, traditions, and expectations. I am ALL out on that front. I will stick with Father’s expectations. With Father…ALL in.
You see…Father’s are easy to meet. He wants obedience. I know if I obey Him…He is happy with me. I disobey…not happy. Super easy to understand Him. His standards are rock solid. They never change. I obey…we are good. I don’t…we are NOT good. He doesn’t expect me to perform for Him…He just wants me to obey. So very simple to understand. Not always easy to do…but easy to understand.
With Father…I know He is not looking for me to be perfect…He isn’t looking for perfection. He is perfection. He is perfect. I am allowed to make mistakes…at His expense…and others’ expense. NO pressure there, see?
With man…PRESSURE…they all have different expectations for you, and they change as they go along so one day their expectations may be at one place, and the next day…they moved them but didn’t tell you…so now they are MAD…at you. Where you stand with man is wishy-washy for man is wishy-washy…ever-changing. Father is firm…no pulling the rug out from under me. I have a safe and secure place to stand.
Peace
I prefer peace…I prefer to work for someone who allows me the freedom to make mistakes and learn as I grow/go. For me…that is Father. Man is less gracious to man in that area. Man is looking for perfection in/from man. They are looking in vain for they are looking in the wrong place. You gotta look UP for perfection…look outside of man…look at Him.
Although my boss can be a drill sergeant to me at times, I know He won’t abandon me when I make a mistake. He allows me room to grow and helps me get where I need to be. Super thankful for that grace over the years. It is one of the reasons I am still in a relationship with Him.
In Closing
To tie it all up…standing on the truth…that I take pictures for my pleasure and Father’s…I don’t have to worry over the opinions of man regarding my photos. And honestly, I feel that way across the board in every area of life. I do me for me…and Father. If you don’t like me…that is fine…because I AM fine. I don’t NEED you to like me or love me. I don’t NEED you to give me accolades and kudos for I am not a performer looking for applause in what I do. My validation doesn’t come from man…I get it from the truth…the source of truth.
There are other reasons I take pictures…shallow reasons. I do enjoy it these days…I do derive pleasure from it. I cherish the gift of Him in it. Also, I love capturing a moment in time with the people I love to remember those times with them. Time is one of my love languages…I love spending time with the people I love. It is important to me.
I love looking back and seeing the walls I tore down to get here at this moment in time today as the woman I have become. Love the reminder of the work I did and what I accomplished. I see value in the memories I made in the places I have been with the people I experienced those moments with.
Legacy
Through my pictures, I hope to leave a legacy for my children’s children. I hope that for generations after me…my seed will see the value of the relationship I had with their Father and appreciate the work I did for them. If so, then the pain and suffering I endured…will have not been in vain. I don’t want my labor to have been in vain.