One Heart

I am thinking about titling this post…an odd post. By the end of it, I will know if that is the title or not, but as I start typing this up…that is what feels true in my heart.

I have a number of posts started and unfinished behind the scenes on this site. Father starts them…then interrupts my thinking. He is rather fond of interrupting my conversations. Man considers it rude, but apparently, He does not because He is a pro at it. After 30 years, I am used to His ways. Don’t always agree with them…but I am well trained by now. I just submit. I am like a well-trained dog. He says sit…I sit. We have an interesting relationship.

Having said that…this morning, I was trying to work on an organization post I have started. I am itching to post it. Super proud of the contents within. BUT…He has other plans today.

Early this morning while lying in bed, I was working through the organization post…I noticed it was feeling a bit chaotic. See the irony of that? I do. I always know when it is Him speaking because the words flow through me very easily. Smooth water that is clear…fresh…running at a good pace in my mind. When I notice the water is branching off in different directions or we hit a log jam…He wants me to see something different…so I follow Him in that direction or remove the log jam. Gotta keep the water running smoothly. Not a fan of the log jams.

Start the Morning

So I get up out of bed and head outside. I need to work with my hands so I can think clearly. It helps me. Being in nature frees me up somehow. Always has. I start organizing the yard. Cleaned out a huge tote and put all the kid toys in it. Find a tote and put all of Tonto’s toys in it. I grab a shovel and scoop up all the ashes from last night’s fire and then dump them in the compost pile. Then I organized all the garden tools, supplies, and various outside supplies Donovan uses. Man…the yard looks amazing now.

Found a snakeskin wrapped up in some matting. Gave it to Ahnalaya Ann…she says it is SUPER COOL! I absolutely LOVE that my granddaughter is a nature nut like me.

Yesterday, I was doing the dishes and she came into the kitchen carrying something. She says…Grandma…got something to show you.

I said…oh yeah…what is that.

She proudly sits this thing up on the counter. I look in closer and I say…what is that as I am zooming in. She says…it is a grasshopper, and the ants ate its head off. Isn’t that cool? 😜

I must say…it was pretty cool to see a headless hollowed-out grasshopper. Hadn’t seen that before.

Email

Right before I hopped in the shower, I checked my email. I noticed I had a new comment. My assumption…it was Greg…my one faithful reader. 😂 Hi Greg!

To my surprise and delight…it wasn’t. A stranger found me. WOOHOO!!!! Kind of excited about that. Positive encouraging words. Loved it.

Into the Shower

So I hop in the shower because now my brain is in scramble mode from the comment on the post. All thoughts of organization have left the building.

It ties in with a lot of things but this topic…has come up a lot recently between Father and I. I felt like He wanted me to share it here on this blog…in this post. I feel it is an odd thing to share with total strangers…but heh…I am odd. An oddity. A rarity in this world…this land. So…it fits me. Fits my personality.

An Issue I Have

There is this issue He and I have been discussing for a while now. My inability to see myself from someone else’s perspective…more specifically in a positive light.

Let’s back up a bit so you get a clearer picture of what I am referring to. Growing up, I didn’t believe I was wanted. I had a number of reasons for that.

One…my dad was a self-proclaimed narcissist, and he was an angry frustrated man who was abusive. His heart softened and changed as he matured in his manhood over the years but that was long after I was an adult. I started hating him at the age of 10 and finally forgave him when I was in my early twenties. He and I took a long break from one another. I was in my late twenties when Father reconnected the two of us. By then…we were both ready emotionally and spiritually to be in a relationship with one another.

My mother was passive-aggressive and cold. She once told me during my childhood that my dad didn’t want children. Had never wanted children…so basically…I was an unwanted child. On top of that…there was no love in our home. Only anger or silence…even in the silence…the anger still spoke…loud and clear.

The only person who told me they loved me, hugged me, or gave me any positive attention, emotion, or feedback was my grandmother who died when I was 10. I grew up in a cold home without positive physical touch and any positive emotional or spiritual feedback.

Lack of Investment

The lack of investment in me as a child impacted me greatly…in a negative way.

I grew up with an extremely negative mindset of self. Father always called it…a self-destructive mindset.

Why would I have any different mindset??? All I ever experienced was negative feedback. I was in a negative feedback loop.

With that kind of self-destructive mindset…you make self-destructive choices…that further solidify the loop…that cycle of negative self-thought.

Poverty Spirit

We have been working on this mindset for 30 years…about to get it finished up. Rapidly approaching the end of my laboring to get it cleaned up. Years ago, I crawled into bed, and just as my head hit the pillow, He spoke. He said…you walk in a poverty spirit.

My thoughts…oh…great…what does that mean. This CAN’T be good. 😩

SO I roll over onto my stomach so I don’t fall asleep. I was EXHAUSTED from my day. I say to Him…what does that mean?

His response…you think you are a pauper.

In my mind, I was thinking…well, I THINK I know what that means but you can NEVER assume with Father, so I look the definition up on my app. I USE it…FREQUENTLY with Him. 😉

A very poor person…ummm yep…I feel like an abandoned orphan to be more exact about it. So I say to Him…I am SUPER tired and I want to hear more. Can we finish this conversation tomorrow? He agreed.

Next Morning

He wakes me up the next morning and the first thing He says is…The Sermon on the Mount.

Ok…guess I am supposed to read it. 🤷‍♀️

I start in Matthew chapter 5.

The Study Begins

I quickly get through verses 1-12 and He says…study those. I back up and look up every word in Greek for verses 3-12. Word by word I translate it into how His Spirit leads me. When I get done several hours later, I was in awe. Awe of so much…especially each concept and then how they relate together into one whole.

The concepts of:

• Meekness
• Humility
• Hungering for righteousness
• Thirsting for righteousness
• Righteousness itself
• Repentance
• Being satisfied and filled up
• Who a peacemaker was…what they did
• Purity of heart and the beauty that beholds
• Persecution and standing in spite of
• Being hated and mistreated and forgiving and loving in spite of
• Those who stand…who press on and refuse to give up in spite of

I was sitting there reflecting on it. For the first time ever…really understanding what those scriptures meant. Powerful…such a powerful punch in the gut for me. A new awareness of understanding and taking it to heart.

He Speaks

He let me sit in that for a while, maybe ten minutes or so…just chewing on it. Really letting it sink in and nourish my spirit and my soul man. Such good food to eat. Full of nutrients, vitamins, and minerals both bodies need to feed on.

Then He quietly speaks to me…He says this…That is who YOU are.

I wept.

Speechless. One of the nicest things He had ever said to me up to that point in my life. Beauty. Such beauty in those passages. A beautiful heart.

I didn’t know what to do with it. I let His words sit there.

To be honest, I am still not sure what to do with them. I can hardly read them these days.

Brokenness

It is odd to me…something is wrong with me…broken inside of me and I am not sure what it is. I think I know parts and pieces, but I can’t see them in full.

I have had this issue for years now.

In my first marriage, my husband never complimented me. He didn’t tell me I looked nice, was pretty, beautiful, funny, did a good job at anything, etc. Much like in my childhood…never got a compliment from the people I loved…except my grandmother.

In my second marriage, before getting married, my husband mentioned he was hanging out with three beautiful women. Myself and two others. One of the women I was with…I did not consider beautiful. His definition of beauty and mine were two different definitions. Also…ok…so do you tell every woman she is beautiful???

I think two things about most men…they have low standards in their definition of beauty. Shallow…very shallow standards. They judge beauty on the physical body. T & A. And two…they tend to say it out of obligation…for many reasons. They want to be liked by a woman, they want her to think highly of him, they want to please her so he can get what he wants from her…you know…if he is wanting sex…telling her she is beautiful…if she is shallow…works. Great way to get a hookup. Shallow compliments work for shallow people. I AM NOT shallow.

For me…having men tell me I am beautiful…really doesn’t impress me. I am like Shania Twain…so not impressed. Try dying for me…that will impress me if you want to get in my pants. You gotta come through my heart FIRST buddy.

Beautiful

I said to my second husband…maybe I could get healing if you would explain to me WHY you think I am beautiful. Give me your definition of beauty and relate that to me. Maybe that would help me. I am thinking…ok…he will tell me why I am beautiful to him.

He couldn’t share one reason why he thought I was beautiful. Wow…ok. Well…there ya go. He never complimented me again after that discussion.

Didn’t even bother me because I didn’t see the point if he couldn’t back up his compliment with sincere, genuine, truth-filled reasons anyway.

But here is another kicker for me…I am not sure I even cared what he thought of me. Really. Being real here.

Here is Why

There is only one opinion that matters to me. It is Father’s. I want His truth. What He says about me. Man’s thoughts of me… are not what I am judged by at the end of my life. Man (plural) is judged according to His standards. His truth. Not man’s “my truths” which are merely opinions…derived from their lie-based belief system.

I want the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. I can accept that…even when it is painful. We all know sometimes the truth is painful to hear. It is why most people refuse to listen to the truth…they are cowards and believe they can’t take the pain…so they avoid it at all costs. Use and abuse whatever and whoever is available to avoid feeling the pain.

I KNOW I can accept the truth about me…positive and negative both when it comes from Father and man. The featured image is a text message conversation between Vanessa and I late one evening. Yes…we live together and still find ourselves texting each other when in separate rooms. I have never been this close with another human being…she is my right arm…a part of me I can’t live without.

Her text about me, my value, and my worth are true. Father has shown her those truths about me. I accept them and I appreciate them.

To me, her comments are not compliments. They are merely part of me expressing a truth about me. Strange I know. I did say this was an odd post because in part…I am odd. She is a part of my body. We are unified as one…two parts or pieces of a whole.

Side Note

Just for fun…did you notice my thanks for noticing comment in the text? I always think of Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh…his sad kind of attitude of thanks for noticing him but I say it with the enthusiasm of Tigger…with excitement and glee…THANKS FOR NOTICING! See? 😝 Just a fun bit of info on me.

The Bride of Christ

That is how the Bride of Christ is supposed to operate right? One body…unified…operating as one. Different parts all working tandemly doing their part as individual pieces but operating with one mind…Christ as the Head…the Central Nervous System…and with one heart. One purpose. So we are supposed to all be functioning as one standing on the same truths. His truths…Him. See?

I am perplexed as to why I struggle when someone on the outside pays me a positive compliment.

Hate

I know one reason…I am used to hatred in mass. Or silence. I am so used to hatred from people that when someone says hateful things to me…it doesn’t even penetrate me. Just flies right on past me. I am so secure in who I am as a woman that hatred is merely a necessary part of my life. Father once told me it is a necessary part of the process…ok…well there ya go. Great.

You Say

There is the popular Christian song by Lauren Daigle You Say. I struggle with the song. There is some truth to the lyrics…but there is also a lie in there that brings questions up in my mind. She says she gets her identity in Christ…and she believes what He says about her…but she believes Father is saying to her that she is strong even though she believes she is weak. That isn’t coming from Father.

After 30 years of training up under Him…I know His nature pretty darn well. For over 20 years, I have done inner healing on myself and many other people. I can say with 100% certainty a long list of things about His character and His nature. One…He is consistent. He is the same today as He was before He created this world and every human living in it. He is firm. Rock hard. Never wishy-washy like man is.

The truth is…man IS WEAK. Hate to break the news to you but you are weak. You were created to be weak with a divine purpose. He wants you to KNOW your own weakness personally and intimately IN CONJUNCTION with the truth that HE IS STRONG. THEN…you will KNOW the truth…that you don’t NEED to be strong because He already is. You just NEED to lean on His strength. See?

Elevation

Another concept He is consistent with is this…He will NEVER elevate the flesh of man. N.E.V.E.R. He will NEVER tell YOU…your flesh…that you are strong. If He did that…He would be feeding your sinful nature. He isn’t going to feed your sinful nature. See? He wants your sinful nature to DIE! YOU MUST DIE!!!! 😩

He will also never tell you that you are enough. Instead…He will reassure you that HE IS ENOUGH. You don’t need to be enough…you need to KNOW HE is enough. He will never tell you that you are good. HE will instead say…I AM GOOD. You don’t need to be good because He already is. See? See the pattern? He will only elevate Himself because He alone is worth elevating. YOU are NOT. 😵‍💫

For 30 years now…He has only ever elevated Himself to me. He doesn’t elevate me…He elevates Him. Like…man, I am chop suey here. I have spent 30 years having Him talk about how amazing He is. 😜

On top of a really bleak, dry, horrible, no-good childhood…on top of being hated by people in the masses…on top of a self-destructive mindset. 😳

Do you see why I would struggle to know what to do with a positive compliment from an outsider…even when it is true?

This is only a MINOR portion here. I am not sharing all of the negative, hatred, garbage, blah blah blah.

Security vs Confidence

I feel I must throw in this little piece of the puzzle here. For clarity’s sake…maybe an explanation. Maybe just for my own processing. This is what this post has become for me…simply a place to process whatever this oddity is I am writing about.

Anyone who knows me very well at all…knows this about me. I dislike the word confident…or confidence. If you stick around long enough…you will get that in your mind for I am pretty clear about my feelings on it.

People love to espouse how confident they are or brag about someone and how confident they are.

Confidence is shallow. A shallow word about the flesh of man. Anyone can build in themselves confidence…but that is foolishness building on the sand.

What is important to me…is SECURITY. That is a work of His Spirit. In Him, I AM secure. He is my security. In every possible way. The only reason I can withstand the hatred and opposition I have endured for 30 years, is because I AM secure in who I AM. Him. I am secure in Him. I KNOW who I AM. I AM His. The enemy can’t have me. Man…it isn’t because he hasn’t tried…and tried hard. But Father has kept me secure.

So the haters keep on hating and I just keep on keeping on…going on about my merry happy little way while they are all miserable.

Confidence would never have lasted me these past 30 years. I AM secure when I stand on the truth of who I AM…and who He created me to be…and what He created me to do.

Value and Worth

I KNOW intimately and personally my own value and worth. I AM priceless. Beyond what man can afford to pay. That is His truth I stand firmly on. I could sit here and brag on myself and tell you just how wonderful I am…and be truthful. I could list all the character traits THAT HE gave me…traits I labored to get…which proves my value and worth.

So if I KNOW who I AM…and I KNOW whose I AM…then what is my problem???? See my dilemma???

Perplexing to me. 🧐

Christian sent me a text the other day sharing a stressful situation he was recently in…along with how he handled it. I was super proud and told him so. Asked him if he took note of his progress. That is important to me. We must mark those moments in life…looking at our backtrail to see how far we have come forward in our walk…our growth…our maturity. I wanted to know if he saw it himself.

He told me that my life was what helped him get there. I was a bit shocked by that. See??? I asked him why, and he explained. Ok.

Outside Looking In

I am reminded of a time at a doctor’s appointment I had several years ago. My doctor is not just my doctor…she is my friend. For my first appointment, we spent two hours together and most appointments are at least an hour each time. She hugs me when I come in and hugs me when I leave. She is the most intelligent woman I have ever met in my life. Board certified in several areas and a functional medicine doctor as well. Crazy intelligent about the body. And like me…believes our bodies can heal fully if given the right care…which includes our emotions and spirit as well. She is all about holistic treatment.

One of the things I love about her is that she wanted to KNOW me. She is always full of questions about me…my life…my relationships, etc. Not just my physical well-being. During an appointment one time, she started to ask me a question, and then she said…oh…never mind…I know the answer to that…you would do such and such. I was shocked. How did she KNOW me that well?

I tried to figure that out the entire 3-hour drive home. When I got home, I asked my teenage son…how did she know? She was spot on. He said…mom…it is the way you talk. The things you say.

Didn’t know I was that predictable. Maybe that is what it was. I still don’t know. So grateful for her love for me though. Truly. She is a treasure in my life.

My Heart

I think it boils down to a heart issue for me. My heart. Father has repeatedly told me…You ARE MY heart. I am still unsure of what that means yet. Waiting on Him to reveal that to me. It is a good thing…positive…I AM sure.

For oodles of years, I have said to Him…I want to KNOW your thoughts on me. Your heart toward me. Your feelings about me. What I am to YOU. Who I am to you. I KNOW parts and pieces but still so much of it is unknown to me. Quite a journey.

Here is the conclusion I have come to. He has to circumcise my heart yet. Pierce it. Penetrate it. That is His job. I long for that day. To KNOW intimately and personally HIS thoughts and feelings of me. A long-time dream I am still waiting to come true.

I am not so sure it is brokenness now…I think it is more about being incomplete. Not whole. Waiting on wholeness. Two becoming one. KNOWING myself through His eyes. Seeing myself through His heart. A depth of the heart that only He can penetrate. Two hearts beating as one finally. Coming into rhythm as one heart, one mind, one body. A beautiful thought. A beautiful picture for sure.

I think I will end there and I think I will title the post ONE HEART. That feels good. 💙