Oxygenator

I feel like I need to force my way through this Oxygenator post. It feels like there is a wall in front of me. I need to take a bulldozer and bulldoze my way through it. I need to ram through. Force it. Push it over. Barrel through. Tear the wall down. Push through the barrier that separates me from something. This post has caused me mental pain and anguish for several weeks now. I am so over sitting here letting this thing torment me. 🤨🤺💪🏋️‍♀️

My S.O.P. for oodles of years has been to wait for Holy Spirit to guide me. I don’t take one step without His direction. Don’t say one word unless He tells me what to say. I listen. I sit and wait until I get orders to speak…move…whatever. Then I do.

He must be telling me to push through it now. The flow is not here in my head…but I am powering through this thing regardless. Maybe He will meet me here. 😂 I am moving on without Him. Gotta get this done. Tired of stewing and chewing on this issue. Good grief!

Here we go!

Influence

There are two pieces of the puzzle here regarding influence.

The first is how people have influenced me. The second is how I have influenced others. The on-ramp and exit ramp. Life and blessings vs death and curses. Mt. Ebal and Mt. Gerizim. Been walking through this valley with the mountains on both sides of me for the last few weeks.

How people have influenced me has been a part of the discussion because I have gone back in time to start the notes on my autobiography. Not sure if I am going to sit down and write it out in one book…or volumes of books. OR…if I am merely preparing to share it on the blog and/or videos in some smaller format. Haven’t a clue what He is doing. I just obey. 🤷‍♀️

Most of the profiles I have built so far from the people in my past…are people who taught me what not to do. How not to be.

Everyone is an influencer. Everyone is a preacher/teacher. Many people influence/teach/preach passively through their default settings. That would be their lie-based belief system. How they live their life based on the deception they are steeped in…influences the people they are in relationships with.

Death

I am constantly evaluating the people around me. How they live. I look at their actions. Listen to the words they say. Watch their character. With this information, I can very quickly determine what their worldview…set of beliefs are. I can see what they have placed value on. I can also see the flip side of this and see what they have NOT placed value on.

For example, when someone lies to me whether it is on occasion or repeat. I can see they don’t value truth. They don’t care about truth.

One of my main stalkers at this time is a great example of this. We met at a coffee shop once. He wanted to confess to me that he had been shit-talking me behind my back to people. Mainly his family. He was slandering my name. He said to me…you intimidate me.

I said to him…I have had other people say that to me. Can you tell me why I intimidate you?

My thoughts were…if I am doing something wrong…I can change it.

His response was…you tell the truth. I am not used to people doing that. I am used to people lying. Hiding.

My thoughts were…well…can’t change that behavior. Not going to lie to make someone else comfortable. Goes against my convictions.

Negativity

In this example, it is easy to see this man didn’t value truth. He was more comfortable lying to people and being lied to than being told the truth and telling the truth.

Now…he did confess some truths to me in that meeting. However, after that…he was like a dog returning to vomit. Went right back to slandering me and lying about me.

His influence on people is, by default, to hide in deception. To lie to people and be lied to from people. He is passively teaching the people around him that lying, hiding, and deceiving people is ok. Acceptable behavior. He also teaches people that slandering is acceptable. Gossiping is good and right. Manipulation is ok. Lots of negative toxic traits he is passively…by his own default settings teaching, influencing, and preaching to the people around him.

Since he is not standing against lying, manipulation, control, slander, etc…he is standing for it. He places a higher value on destruction than he does construction. He would rather tear people down than build them up. This man would rather spend his energy beating people up/down than being their cheerleader and rooting for them to do well. He would rather light them on fire, stand back, and cheer while he watches them burn…than sacrifice his time and energy helping them be better…do better in life. He would rather push someone down than pick them up.

The man places a higher value on hate than he does love. He invests in negativity rather than positivity.

See?

Conversion

This is why I always say…you give me a negative and I will convert it to a positive. That is who I am. I will learn from YOUR mistakes. Your toxicity teaches me how NOT to be. I don’t want to tear people down. I want to build in people. Oxygen…I prefer to bring life…oxygen into people’s lives. Give people the breath of life instead of sucking the breath of life out of them. This ole gal likes helping people. I get great joy out of seeing someone change, grow, become a better human being, and build something lasting in life.

I would rather love someone than hate them. Love is at the top of my list of things I value. I AM love. Hate is at the bottom.

I place a super high value on positivity. My S.O.P. is to hold someone’s hand and help them through a difficult situation. I am the ultimate cheerleader here of humanity. Toxicity is vile in my book. Would like to eradicate it from this planet. We are a toxic people. We have created a toxic planet as a result. My goals are to clean this shit up…not add to the problem. I want to be the solution.

I am not a fan of people who revel in their shit. If you are going to choose to wallow in a pig trough…get out of my life. Get out of my way. I have people to see. Things to do and places to go.

Truth

I have been asking myself recently about my influence. That is one of their long-time issues with me. They hate the influence I have in my family’s life. They are afraid of my influence.

Recently, I realized they are right. I am a powerful influence in people’s lives. I AM the Oxygenator. For years, I have brought life to people. I have watched many people change in positive ways over the years because of the truths I have taught them.

The enemy has great reasons to be afraid of me, the power I carry, and the influence I have on humanity. I AM the changemaker of mankind. What I have done for years on a very small scale, I am getting ready to do on a massive scale. The impact and influence I will have on humanity will be unlike anything anyone has ever seen in this world.

That is truth…in the past, in this present time, and is true in the future tense. Reject it or accept it…truth is truth and immovable no matter which direction you look at it. It was true and will always be true. Truth is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. It is immutable. Can not be changed.

Before Father Time instituted time on Earth by creating the universe and setting this clock in motion, He chose Christ and I to be LIFE partners. To bring life and redemption to the people. Before He created the first Adam and Eve…He chose the Second Adam and Eve to be part of the redemptive plan for humanity.

That is truth and a truth I can’t change.

Computer

When people come, they will see in other posts I have struggled with this situation I found myself in. I have had a ton of questions over the years about this plan. It has been a huge struggle for me to wrap my little pea brain around how I got here. Why me? Father and I have discussed this on repeat. Some things I understand. Many I still am clueless about.

As I have mentioned before, I see myself as a computer. Sometimes a robot. I am a hard drive with software already downloaded. This ole gal was preprogrammed to run a program. A certain simulation…and I am merely walking through that simulation.

With this mindset, I literally can’t elevate myself in my head.

I am a well-trained dog doing what I was trained to do. I am a computer merely running the software that was preprogrammed into my hard drive. This ole gal was hard-wired this way.

Why do bears poop in the woods? Cuz, He created them too.

Why does Crystal do what she does? Cuz, He created her too.

It is the left-brain dominant logical side of me dominating my understanding. I can’t cross over into the right side of the brain/heart into the emotional side of this situation. It is impossible for me to do that on my own.

He once told me…you greatly underestimate your value and worth.

😳 When I say I am priceless…how can that be greatly underestimating my value and worth? It hurts my brain. Can’t compute this statement.

My conclusion is…I am missing the right brain connection. The heart’s emotions. Truth in my heart. The circumcision of the heart from Him. 🤷‍♀️

Troy

I want to end this post with a real-life example that I have been chewing and stewing on. I am stuck here. Hoping that by sharing this and hitting publish it will get me unstuck. 😂

When I was a single mom of three, I bought a trailer…a mobile home. Bought it in Kentucky and had it moved to a mobile home park in Indiana. It was a safe and clean park for me to raise my kids in. The trailer I purchased was old. The dining room was located at the front end of it. The front was four tall windows that faced the street.

Shortly after moving in, I got remarried because Father told me to marry a man He put in my life to help me. This allowed me to finish homeschooling my children through their high school years.

Where the park chose to locate my trailer was straight across from a home like mine. We both had the four windows facing each other. For a time, a young man lived across from me. After he moved, an older man bought the home. Shortly after moving in, his wife moved out. He was now on his own. His name was Troy.

Now Troy was a hard man to get along with. He was cantankerous. Flat out mean, nasty, and vile in how he spoke at times. He had one friend who lived in the park farther back. That was it. He had been abusing alcohol for years. When money would run low at the end of the month, he would drink mouthwash to get himself by. His son wanted nothing to do with him and obviously…neither did his wife.

Connection

For some reason…Father…Troy loved and adored me. Father gave Troy and I a special connection. His abusive nature didn’t phase me in the least. When others saw a mean old man to stay away from…I saw a weak man in serious emotional pain.

Anger is a cover up emotion. We use and abuse it to hide the hurt underneath. When he would yell and rage about things or people, I would quietly listen.

Troy loved my sons as well. He especially loved Donovan. He would buy special little gifts for my sons at times. Troy was always watching our family from his trailer.

During this time, I had several surgeries. He once came over to check on me. He told me…I saw your husband was having to help you into the house. I wanted to see how you were.

The man worried over me and cared for me.

I used to feed him. If I had extra for dinner, I would send Donovan over with food to give him.

Troy had a little garden which he planted zucchini in. He once brought me a zucchini which I in turn made zucchini bread with that day for him. I sent the loaf over. Later that day, he came over and said to me…that is the best zucchini bread I have ever eaten. Would you make me some more if I brought you another zucchini?

I told him…everytime you bring me a zucchini, I will give you a loaf of bread.

He stayed supplied with bread all summer. 😂

Snow

In February one year, I was out shoveling snow out of the driveway.

Side Note…Yes, I had sons…but sometimes this ole gal needs to be outside doing manual labor for herself. I grew up in the country. City life isn’t for me. When we lived in the country, I mowed on the tractor even though Donovan wanted the job. I told him…tractor time is my time. His dad got him a pull behind mower on his 4-wheeler. 😂 At times, I drive the men in my life a bit crazy with my head strong ways. 🤷‍♀️ For real.

Troy saw me shoveling and came out to shovel his driveway at the same time. We chatted while we worked. During that time, he said he hurt his back. As the months went by, he was really starting to struggle over it. The pain was getting worse. I noticed he was losing weight…quite a bit.

I was concerned about him. Although I felt like he needed to see a doctor, he refused.

Finally…one day…he and I came to blows about it. Lots of puzzle pieces I am leaving out here.

He comes over to discuss the pain again. I mentioned the doctor again…which landed me with another angry tirade. 😂

After much debate, he relented and went to Urgent Care for me. Ok…now I am feeling like we are getting somewhere.

Diagnosis

When he returns, he comes straight over to the house. The man is angrier than I have ever seen him. Blows a gasket all over me. We are talking volcano shooting out lava. He tells me they are quacks. His version of the story is they thought he was a druggy needing pain pills. They wanted to send him to pain management of some sort. WOWSER BOWSER he is infuriated…at them…and at me for telling him to go there. 🤦‍♀️

I knew the man was in serious pain…not a druggy needing pain pills. We had been walking through this together for months.

I calmly explained the truth to him. I had been trying to get him to see a doctor in an office for months now. Had he done that…we wouldn’t be in this position. So…now his only choice is…either live with the pain or go to the ER.

🤯🤬😡

That made him angrier at me. 😂

I laid out all the positive reasons he needed to do this.

Once again, I finally convinced him to go back…but this time to the ER.

Turns out, he was full of cancer. When they sent him home, he was in hospice.

Help

When he would fall, he would call me. Either Donovan or I would run over and help him back up.

I will never forget the last time he fell. He called me for help. I ran over and found him on the bathroom floor. He didn’t think he had the energy to walk to the living room chair…so he crawled. It was so hard watching that man crawl down the hallway to the recliner. Tugged at my heart strings. Once I got him back in his chair, I told him…we need to call the nurse. He had stopped eating my food. That man loved my cooking, so I knew we were in trouble here.

When the nurse got there, she made the decision to admit him into hospice at the hospital…despite his argument against it.

He demanded he get to smoke a cigarette before he left. He knew they wouldn’t let him once he got there. We got him settled on the porch while we waited on the ambulance.

The next day, Donovan and I went to the hospital to visit with him. We walked into the room to hear him yelling at the three women who had just been working with him.

Knock at the Door

In the middle of the night, I wake up to someone pounding like a madman on our door. It was the only other friend Troy had…Jim…who lived farther down in the park.

He said the hospital had called. Troy had passed.

Since Troy had no one else in his life…and had no money…he wasn’t sure what to do with his body. After much discussion and thought, he decided to donate his body to science. He wanted my help getting all the paperwork filled out and taken care of. So…I did.

The hospital was needing the paperwork Troy and I had filled out. Jim knew I had the keys to Troy’s house and knew the location of the paperwork. We got Troy taken care of.

My Influence

Troy is a great example of what I was talking about earlier in this post. Here is a man most people were afraid of or just didn’t want to be around. I completely understood their reasonings. No condemnation here for their choices.

For me…instead of hating the man…with good reason to…I chose to love him. I chose to hold his hand and help him instead of tearing him down.

Genuinely, I LOVED that man. I chose to be his cheerleader and build life in him. Bring life to him.

Although I never preached Christ to Troy, I lived Christ to Troy…through loving Troy unconditionally.

He had a lot of disdain towards Christians and what they preached to him. I listened to all of his reasons. They were all valid. Couldn’t argue with him on his points.

I have been wondering lately…did I have any kind of positive influence on Troy eternally? I know my love for him spoke volumes to him in the temporal realm. Even though he couldn’t say he appreciated what I did for him, I know he said it in the way he treated my sons honorably.

Missing

I can sit here and write volumes to mankind telling you story after story of how I have invested in people for over 30 years. I can tell you from a logical perspective who I am and what I do.

Smarticles, I have. I am no idiot here. I can see that I helped Troy when others chose to shun him. In looking at one situation, I can logically see value and worth in who I am and what I do.

Also, I can see why…in part…I intimidate…scare the enemy.

What I can’t see…is the other side. Father’s side I suppose. I have spent all these years trying to clean up my bad self…head down working on removing the trash within…I don’t know intimately how I impact other’s hearts. Their lives in a positive sense.

I am so used to the stalkers shit talking me…that is the life I have lived. Get the shit beat out of me and keep going. 😂

Talk about resilience and perseverance. WOW…I AM the definition to those words.

Ok…going to quit there. My teapot has been poured out. It has runneth empty. 😜

Speaking of tea…might go enjoy me a cup. 😍

Believing I am going to hit publish and move forward out of stuck land.

Here’s to movement!!!!! 🍷 Cheers!