Self-Love

Self-love…boy…hard topic…heh? Thought it was appropriate today.

This morning, I woke up frustrated. I wasn’t sure why. This is where inner reflection comes into play. Asking myself the tough questions…what is YOUR problem, Crystal??? A common question for me. Sometimes it is…what ARE your problemS…plural. 😩

I have an S.O.P. I follow. Always…I KNOW I don’t know…so I ask the one who does. Him…Father…Son…and His Spirit…the great trio in the sky.

Holy Spirit’s job is to be our GUIDE…right? I have a picture in my mind for Him in this role. He has many roles…but as my guide…I see darkness. As the lesser light…the moon…He helps me to see in the darkness. Much like the headlights on our vehicles. They light up the path right in front of us…and a small portion to the sides. He is my light in the darkness. My headlight. He turns the lights on in my head…my headlight. My mind is the vehicle. See??

Turn the Lights ON

If I try to walk in the dark without light…I am going to hurt myself. For I will trip over the obstacles in my way. When you have been in total darkness…you can’t see your hand in front of your face, right? You NEED a guide. At least I do.

With that in mind, I always ask Him to take my hand and lead me to the truth. TURN the lights on for me! Deception is darkness. Truth is the light. When I have the truth…I can see clearly. It clears up the chaos, confusion, and clutter in my mind. The truth is what sets us free from the chaos, confusion, and clutter that lies and deception are.

I picture Him…taking me by the hand and guiding me where to walk…step by step inside of my mind. Take me to the location of truth. The truth is outside of me. Man is NOT the source of truth. So Holy Spirit…has to lead me through my soul man into Him. His knowledge of the truth.

Complicated but simple. Sure is a whole lot easier and less stressful to understand I am not the source of truth and the only way I can get it is to ask Him to take me to it. See? Simple. Frees me up from the pressure of trying to FIGURE out the truth. My flesh never will. I have to rely on His Spirit as my guide to take me TO the truth. Him. Spiritual matters are spiritually discerned. Discerned through and by His Spirit. The flesh can’t figure out spiritual matters. Our carnal mind is not smart enough. The soul was not designed to understand the spirit.

This Morning

That is what I did this morning…like always. I said to Him…show me what my problem is…my problems are.

I realized I had dipped down into a place of darkness. Just a dip…not a spiral down into a pit of Hell kind of thing…but just a stumble… not a full fledge fall.

I had several dark/negative thoughts. I thought to myself…what am I doing???? Who would want me? Shunned by multitudes in 51 years. People think you are crazy. Delusional. What are you thinking here?

No one wants to hear the truths you speak. Goodness…that is a hard way to walk…people don’t want to hear this. You are wasting your time here. Why are you putting this out there? Just going to get the shit beat out of you again…why put yourself through this…AGAIN…in mass??? 😳

The Walk

It is interesting because I thought to myself…you NEED to take a walk girl. You need to be in the woods and have no distractions. I KNEW my granddaughter was going to want to go with me. She always does…and I almost always take her with me. She gets hysterical if I leave without her. Before I got ready for the walk, I reflected on this fact and if I would be willing to take her. I decided I was going alone. I needed me time…and I get that right…that freedom.

The tears came and I stood firm…she stayed home with Mom and Dad.

The walk with Tonto and Father was very healing for me. I NEEDED the time alone with Father. He asked me a question…why do you do what you do? For the last 30 years? We looked back over a multitude of situations over the years…I will share a few of them below…as I looked at each of those situations…I KNEW the answer. Love. I did it all…with love. For love. Out of love. To love. To be loved. By love. My heart’s motives were based on love. Him. Out of love, I obeyed Him.

Love

He commands us in His word…to love. We are called to love…

• Him
• Our neighbor
• Our spouse
• Our enemies
• Our self

That is everyone. This list encompasses…all. He didn’t leave anyone out. Love everyone…even your enemies.

Why your enemies…because He loves Satan. He created him…and He loves him…despite who he is and what he has done. We were created in Father’s image…and we are supposed to live as Christ lived…loving even those who crucified Him. We don’t get a pass on loving our enemies. He taught us how to do that and with Holy Spirit inside of us…we are capable.

His Covenant

One of the situations Father pointed out to me this morning happened at the beginning of LIFE for me. 30 years ago…entering into His covenant with Him.

The question…WHY did I do that?

Because I loved my unborn child enough to want eternal life for the soul of that child…my oldest daughter…and eternal life for the souls of the children to come after her in the future. In addition, I wanted eternal life for myself. I loved myself enough to make the necessary sacrifices to have eternal life. To get the privilege to be intimate with Father, Son, and Spirit…for eternity…in their Home. I loved myself enough to say yes to life. I loved my children enough to say yes to life.

Self-love…love for Father…along with love for my children.

I guess somewhere in there I must have concluded I was worth it. My children were not the only ones who had value, but I did too.

Our Neighbors

I once was part of a leadership group inside the Christian Religious System. Not really sure how I ended up in that role, but I suddenly was. As always, I asked Father about my purposes there. He said three things to me.

• Very short stay
• Tread Lightly
• Do not dishonor…(the leader’s name)

Wow…ok…feeling kind of leery about this situation. Not feeling the warm fuzzies there. So I called my mentor. Sharing the situation with him and the three things Father said…his response was immediate. He said…Crystal…Father is warning you something bad is going to happen. This leader is going to do something that will make you WANT to dishonor her.

Great! Thrilled! Not. 🤨

Thankful to be warned though. Man…I was treading lightly…like stepping on eggshells waiting for this bomb to drop.

The Saga is Here

The leader gets sick, and her boss tells her to take a break. I was at her house when she got the call from her leader to shut the meetings down completely so she could focus on her health. Wisdom…for her life was at stake here. Her medical doctor had said she wouldn’t survive.

Our friend and fellow team member in the leadership group enters the house right after the phone call. The leader asks both of us…do you think you gals could take over? Immediately, I said I know my husband and I can’t. He had just shared with me…we were moving out because he wanted to explore another meeting. (This situation confirmed to me…it was Father leading us out. His timing is perfect.) The other woman in the room, said…they couldn’t either…her husband was not going to be ok with it either…per previous discussions between the two of them.

The sick leader called a meeting with the leadership team for that weekend. At the meeting, she shared the situation, and we went around the room sharing our thoughts and conclusions. The three couples all said…no…we were not called to take over…for various reasons. We all felt Father calling us to other places. We felt like this was Father…confirming to her…she needed to shut the meetings down like her leader had instructed her to do. She didn’t want to follow her leader’s directions…she wanted to go her own way and keep the meetings going.

Out of the leadership group…only one was willing to step in and take over the meetings. After his lengthy speech…two other people meekly said they would help.

Ok…that is settled. 🫶

The Bomb Drops

The next meeting with the people was scheduled for Tuesday night. This was the meeting where we would be informing the people that changes were getting ready to take place. The majority of the leaders were moving on to other places as Father was leading them…and our leader was going to take a sabbatical while others were going to direct the meetings during her time off.

It was to be my last meeting to say goodbye to the people.

The leader and her one faithful steed stand in front of the congregation and share the health struggles, the leadership meeting, and the decisions reached. When talking about our leadership meeting the previous weekend…they lied to the people…telling them…the leadership unanimously decided to support her. We were all going to take turns leading the meetings until she was well enough to come back. BUT…if any of the leaders didn’t help…then…have nothing to do with them for they carried an Absalom spirit. They spent the rest of the meeting explaining in detail what they believed the Absalom spirit to be and how it acts.

Wait…What?

Stunned…absolutely stunned. I was sitting in the chair thinking this was some out-of-body experience. Excuse me???? Were we at the same meeting on Sunday??? Cuz your version of events does NOT line up with the truth of what happened. You are a CHRISTIAN LEADER???? What is happening right now?? 🤯 Mind blown!

I kept looking over at my spiritual brother’s face to see his reaction for he was one of the other leaders who was leaving too. His facial muscles were like steel. I could NOT wait to talk to him. Clenched jaws. 😂

After the meeting was over…I left. Walked in the door of my house and went straight to my spot. The one Father and I sit and talk at. I stayed there until well after midnight working through my negative emotions tied to that situation. I refused to go to bed angry. When I finally climbed into bed…I was at peace about what happened…and I did NOT dishonor that leader. By the next morning…it was over for me.

For her…it was about elevating herself to look valuable, in control, important, etc…while destroying our reputations and character to the people. She was angry we chose to follow and obey Father instead of following and obeying her.

Honor of Self

I did NOT dishonor her…just like He had warned me NOT to do.

Why?

Because I loved myself enough to honor me…by NOT dishonoring her. I invested in myself. When I came home that night…instead of going to bed angry…I did the inner healing…inner reflection to deal with MY issues.

Her problems were hers…mine were mine. Boundaries. It is about boundaries. Knowing who I am and what I need to deal with inside myself. If I clean up myself…I am good…even when she is bad.

I loved myself enough to invest in my own heart looking within and dealing with my issues instead of bashing her, blaming her, and pointing out her flaws.

The truth is…I could have exposed her. I could have shouted the truth about the liar and deceiver she was…still is…but I didn’t. Looking within and dealing with myself…is WAY more productive. Within about 5 hours of arriving home…I was sleeping in peace instead of up all night stewing over what that leader did to us.

Although I loved her and still do, I loved myself more. I wasn’t carrying that garbage one more minute than I had to. I gave it to Father instead. He will hold her accountable for what she did.

Our Spouse

I have been married and divorced twice. Both men decided they didn’t want me. I was deemed unacceptable to them both. Neither one of them liked my relationship with Father. I get it…I followed Him into Hell…that is extreme. 😜

They would both sit and tell you the demise of our marriages is my fault. The truth is…the truth divided us. The truth is like a sword that cuts and divides. You either serve truth or lies and deception. No other choices. You have to pick a side to stand on. If you choose to be wishy-washy and sit on the fence…be lukewarm…He will spit you out of His mouth. So…if you sit on the fence…you are choosing lies and deception in the end. He will not accept a lukewarm offering. Doesn’t taste good.

My first divorce was traumatic. Another woman, lies, more harassment than I can share…among other negative things. Think PTSD…for that is what I ended up with before it was over.

Despite what the children and I endured; Father told me I needed to apologize to my ex…as we were going through the divorce.

I was like…wait…what??? You want ME to apologize to him and ask him to forgive me…after what we have been enduring??? You have to be kidding me! 😳 😩

Forgiveness

Father’s response…this is NOT about him. This is about YOU.

Oh…I knew what He was saying…this is about your health. Emotional health. Mental health. Physical health. Spiritual health. Relational health. Etc. This was about humbling myself and admitting my own faults in the marriage. Me getting my heart cleaned up. Getting right with Father. Offering up the guilt offering to my soon-to-be ex and allowing him the opportunity to forgive me too. What he did with my apology…only he was accountable for…not me.

I needed to practice humility and strengthen that muscle…make it good and strong. It was an exercise in humility. Working it out…like you work muscles out in the gym in your physical body.

My soon-to-be ex…did not know Christ…so it was also showing him, Christ. The fruits of love, repentance, forgiveness, humility, obedience, servitude, etc… are born through Holy Spirit on the Tree of Life…which is the Tree of Truth that lives and stands firmly rooted inside of me.

I apologized to him because I love me…enough to keep pushing myself to grow despite the pain he caused me. It wasn’t about him…it was about investing in me. Investing in my heart…growing the fruits of Holy Spirit in me.

Our Enemies

I grew up in a toxic dysfunctional family, like the majority of people on this planet. I feel you. 🥰

As I grew in my relationship with Father…I matured in Him. That is what is supposed to happen. The closer you get to Him…the more cleaned up…purified…you are supposed to be…which matures you inside. As I matured, I saw life so differently. I saw the truth instead of lies and deception.

There came a point in time when I realized my family was very sick. Actually, the preacher at the church I attended at the time said that. As I was consulting him on the current family drama, he said…Crystal…your family is very sick. It was a punch in the gut, but I knew he was telling me the truth.

I grew up believing it was ok to lie, gossip, slander people, shit talk anyone and everyone, hate people, look down on them, hold unforgiveness, grudges, etc. All death and all darkness. It was how I was raised. After entering into a covenant with Him, He began to clean me up. Purify me. Made me put away all those nasty beliefs and behaviors. I had to stop living that way and live His way instead. Tell the truth. Look at my own beliefs and behaviors and deal with them BEFORE I was allowed to hold anyone else accountable for their poor choices. Stuff like that.

Drama, Trauma, and Strife

As drama, trauma, and strife with my family kept popping up, Father told me…you have to leave them behind. You can either stay behind with them…who are stagnant and dead…or you can follow me…get closer to me.

The image I saw was a silver ladder. It was in the air, and I was on it. I was climbing the ladder. My right hand was up above my left one on the rung like I was getting ready to move up a step. Above me in the air was His hand. He was motioning to me…keep coming…come up…be with Him. Below me was my family on the ground. He said…two choices…be with them or come with me.

I said…I am going with you. I have lost too much to turn back now. My entire life was invested in Him. I chose Him over my natural family that day. I have never regretted that decision. It was what was best for me and my children.

Letting the dead bury the dead…is never a foolish decision. Always wisdom. 🫶

Where is the Love?

I remember during the last drama…always wondering…where is the love? My family is constantly bashing me. I can’t do anything right. Ever. It doesn’t matter what I do…it is bad…it is wrong. It is selfish, controlling, manipulative, hypocritical, not Christ-like, lazy, etc. There is a long list against me…still to this day. Hatred. Venom directed at me. 🤷‍♀️

That is how I was raised…bash people…beat them up. I guess that was supposed to make us look better??? Not sure the purpose of that still. 🧐

My thoughts at that time were this…ok…say I weigh 600lbs and I sit in front of the TV all day long eating chips and doing nothing. Say it is true…that I really am lazy. Can’t you love me??? Don’t I still deserve to be loved??? Am I worth loving? I love you… despite you…WITH all your faults. Can you love me back?

Where is the love in this family?

None there.

Love is a work of His Spirit…not a work of the flesh of man nor the work of Satan. The flesh of man can not produce His works…that includes love.

Love divides…just like the truth does. He is love. He is truth. He divides those who choose Him and His ways from those who do NOT choose Him and His ways.

Love of Self

I left toxic people behind…why…because I loved myself. It is ok they couldn’t love me…because I loved me. I loved myself enough to walk away from abusive relationships.

Father calls us to love ourselves. I think for me…loving myself has been the hardest work for me.

When you grow up believing you are not wanted, not loved, not cared about, and not needed…you believe you are not worthy of love or care.

But here is the truth. Father wanted me…if He didn’t…He wouldn’t have created me. Many years ago, He said to me…it doesn’t matter if your mom or dad wanted you or not…that is irrelevant for I WANT you. I created you. I care for you. I provide for you. I need you.

That made it all better for me.

Here is another truth. Crystal needs Crystal. I love me. I care about myself. I want me. I like me.

Blog Post

Felt led to share how I worked through an issue today. I started out frustrated and struggling with myself when I realized I do indeed love myself. I am valuable…and even if no one else appreciates me…who I am and what I do…Father and I appreciate me and what I do.

There ya go…now you know.