As Tonto and I were walking downtown Evansville one day, I saw my reflection in this window across the street. I thought it was so cool. It made me smile. Since the entire purpose of my walk was to practice urban photography…I snapped this pic. I like it.
Not only do I like the picture, but I like the whole concept of looking at ourselves in the mirror and seeing our reflection. Self-reflection…inner reflection is important to me. Something I value greatly. It is important to growth and maturity…which is something else I value greatly.
Today has been a strange day for me. I have been super productive all day and was ending the day pleased with myself. While working all day long, I had Evanescence playing in my earbuds. I sat down to write this blog post and decided to switch the music up. Father led me to hit my Willie Nelson playlist. Didn’t think a thing about it…love Seven Spanish Angels…love songs that tell a story like that.
Whispering Hope
Then Whispering Hope comes on and my whole world just stops. It is the main song I listened to while processing my dad’s death. Something I will never forget.
I remember believing Dad wouldn’t make it through the night…but Tammy and I felt led to lie down and try to get some sleep anyway. It had been such a long stressful day and we were so tired. I hadn’t been down long, and Father woke me up with a start. As soon as I woke up, I saw a vision. It was my dad, and he was dressed as a sage. He looked so happy and so very wise. Stately. Honored. I KNEW in that instant Father was telling me Dad had crossed over. I ran over to him, and indeed he was gone. Tammy was asleep beside him so I woke her up to tell her.
The night got longer…
We called the appropriate people and waited for them to come pronounce him dead and take him to the funeral home. His closest friends came over to wait with us and say their goodbyes.
As the funeral home was getting Dad ready to leave, they asked if we wanted to watch or would prefer not to. Tammy didn’t want to, so she hid in the bathroom. I stayed. I followed him out of the house, watched them load him up, and drive him away. Didn’t want to miss a minute. It was Tammy’s home, so she didn’t want that memory. I understood. We all handle grief so differently. 🥰
Reflecting
Tonight, I am reflecting on my dad…and this song on repeat. I love the softness and tenderness of Willie’s voice, the accordion as it gently and softly sings, and the piano keys as they slip in and play their part. But I think my favorite part is the instrument which is either a guitar or a mandolin. It sounds so much like a mandolin to me in some places yet in other places a guitar. Reminds me of my grandpa…my dad’s dad. He played the mandolin…while his brother played the guitar, violin, and accordion…along with other instruments. In this song, they pick each note separately instead of chords. I LOVE that. I sit and listen to each note being picked…remembering years of watching my grandpa and Uncle Harlan make music together. Wonderful memories to reflect on.
The song is bittersweet for me. Indeed, I will get to see my dad again. I am thrilled to know he is reunited with his beloved mother. He loved her so dearly, missed her greatly, and was excited to get to see her again. He was ready to go. But tonight, I am reflecting on the family members he will never see again…ever. How they missed their chance to say goodbye to him for the last time.
Life is so short. Time is everything when you have no more time left.
Grief
I think tonight my grief is over the family members…Dad and I lost for eternity. Those we loved here and will never be in a relationship with again. The truth separates…divides. Those who reject it…spend eternity in Hell…eternally separated from those who accepted the truth and let the truth rule their lives.
Not only can truth be painful to hear about ourselves and our situations, but I think the worst of it is the eternal divide it causes between people. The truth makes people you once considered friends and family…now…your enemies.
Care
Vanessa came into the office and noticed right away something was wrong. She asked if I was ok. I began crying again…nope…but yes. I will be ok. She listened.
A few moments later, Christian sent me a text…saying I love you. I miss you. Hope all is well. I shared I was grieving…he sent me a prayer. Sweet. So very sweet. Father sent him to me at just the right moment.
I am ending my day reflecting on the fact I have people in my life who care about my heart. My pain. My heart pain. I have spent a lifetime without it. It feels nice to have a few in my life who care. So grateful. So very grateful. Father’s family is the best.
Kiss and hug those you love…tell them you love them. Show them you love them. Care. Time is so short…so very short. It goes by so quickly…and then those you love are gone. For me…show and tell is important. I want to show and tell those that I love…I love them…and why. Not going to live with regrets…regretting missed opportunities to show my love for people.
Just my take on life. A few reflections for the evening.