Single

I have a single theme of thought here in my mind. It is all tied to the word single. Singleness. Let me elaborate.

Before I do, let me share a bit about the photos in this post.

Hannah surprised me with tickets to the For King and Country concert in Louisville over the weekend. Got to check another item off my bucket list. Watching them perform Little Drummer Boy live and in person. No one can match them on that song. Mindboggling drum performance. Love their arrangement of that song.❤️

We spent the afternoon on a blanket at the park along the riverfront.

We both had mental processing we wanted to work on, so we quietly worked while the world of people passed us by.

Havana Rumba

Years ago, I found the restaurant…Havana Rumba on TripAdvisor while returning from a vacation. We stopped and ate there. Since that time, I have been going back every time I get a chance.

Over the years, I have tried to get their recipe for the black beans. They are the best black beans I have ever eaten in my life. Cuban black beans are the best. I have tried to replicate them. I can’t. 😩 Man…so good.

Another thing these wonderful Cubans do that is exceptional is their shredded beef. They get this crunchy sear on that beef and the texture and flavor is SO GOOD!!!!! I always get the same thing when I eat there. It is my favorite dish in the place. AND it is all ingredients I can have. 🤷‍♀️ A win-win for me.

Clarity

I feel I got truth and clarity over the weekend. If I stay here…I will go insane. It isn’t healthy at this point in time. The story has come to an end and there is nothing here.

I was telling Father this weekend…I can’t do words anymore. I need a man of action. This gal needs to experience the promises in real time physically. If you can’t make this happen and happen now…then I am going to have to jump ship. Going to have to move on and do a different life.

I can’t carry the debt load any longer. Can’t pay my bills. Can’t walk this journey alone. The burden is too heavy, and Crystal has reached her wait/weight-bearing load/point.

I have been considering shutting the blog down…shutting everything down. Getting a job out in the world and putting all this behind me. I see no other option for me.

Single

The truth is…I have no husband. There is no man in my life. Not sure there ever will be. I have had plenty of men propose to me…make me offers.

However, I have yet to physically experience a man who swept me off my feet and put me in a state of shock and awe. A man who takes my breath away. A man who wows me in every way. One who can’t live without me. A man who won’t take no for an answer from me. I need a man who takes me in his arms and won’t let go of me.

A man who is on fire inside…for me. A man of great passion and desire…about me…and me alone. One who takes action. I don’t want a man who is all talk and no action. I need to experience a man who is bold, brave, courageous, and passionate. A man of great strength and a man who walks by faith. That means a man who has convictions of truth and executes them.

Physical Needs

I need a man who is willing to live the life I have lived. A man who can walk beside me in this crazy life. A man who goes against the world instead of swims along in the current with everyone else. I don’t want a worldly compromised Christian who merely shares words about Jesus Christ. That doesn’t do anything for my heart.

I need a man who has the appearance of being crazy and delusional to the world. A man who makes everyone shake their head in confusion. A man who isn’t out to win a popularity contest…but instead is willing to make enemies out of the people who have called him friend. I need a man who can stand alone on the truth. Fight for the truth. Fight with the truth. A man who is willing to cut ties with the world and all that is compromise to be set apart from the world and the people in it.

I have yet to see, know, and experience a man who is an open book. An open door. Transparent in all he does. A man who wants me to know him. Fully. Every bit of him…despite his fears of rejection. A man who invites me into his home to know every fiber of his being…body, soul, and spirit…past, present, and future. A man who withholds nothing from me.

I need to experience a man who makes radical, bold moves that make him question his own sanity. Makes everyone question his sanity. A man who can live as I have lived…wondering how Father is going to pay the bills. A man who relies on Father for his provisions.

I need a man who has become Christ. A man who lays his life down for his wife. A man who can walk away from it all in a heartbeat…without hesitation and without regret.

Mr. Mitchell Man

Recently, Bobbilicous and Mr. Mitchell Man have been working on a situation Father has placed them in. They have different beliefs about what is happening and why. Bobbi has been seeking Father on the issue…along with the rest of us women. Mitchell has not. Instead, Mitchell is basing his conclusions on a lie-based belief system.

Over the weekend, they continued the discussion. I felt it was super productive as we are getting to the roots of the differences in thought here.

Mitchell made a few comments that have been really profound in my heart regarding this situation I find myself in.

Even though Mitchell disagrees with Bobbi’s (and Father’s) stance, Mitchell said to Bobbi…tell me what you want me to do, and I will do it.

Bobbi’s response was this…I want you to do it because you sought Father on it and it is your conviction too. Not just because I am getting this from Father.

I love both responses here for a multitude of reasons. I will only share a small tidbit here.

One…Mitchell is willing to obey Father because Bobbi is standing on rock-solid truth from Father…so Mr. Mitchell man is going to get there. Super encouraged by his willingness of heart to be molded by and to the truth of Christ.

Dad

The other portion that I shared with Bobbi and will share here is about Dad. Mitchell’s comments made me think of my dad.

People would often ask him…how did you get such a good-looking woman who is much younger than you. His response was ALWAYS the same.

“I learned I could be right, or I could be happy.”

There is so much truth packed into that statement from Dad.

Dad didn’t want arrogance. He wanted humility.

Dad didn’t want to live a life without Tammy. He was miserable without her. He wanted to be happy. A happy man. In order for him to be happy…he needed to make Tammy happy.

So…he laid down his life for her…put her first to make her happy. If she was happy…he was happy. A win-win for them both.

Such a humble simple way to function in a marriage.

They had a happy…loving…very fulfilled marriage until he died.

This is Mitchell’s mentality. Mr. Mitchell Man loves Bobbilicious his beloved bride. He wants to be a happy man…and if Bobbi isn’t happy…he isn’t happy. He is willing to lay down his flesh-based opinions to submit to the truth his wife is speaking. It is beautiful. Such a beautiful heart.

My son makes me go wow…a lot!!! A good wow…ya know.

Happy

Over the weekend, I was thinking about how I want to be happy. I have learned to be content in all situations, but I don’t want to live a life of merely being content. I want to be happy. Have joy.

I am not happy here. I don’t want to live with Hannah. Don’t want to live with any of my children. I want a home of my own.

Also, don’t want to be without money…a shit load of financial debt…and no income.

I would prefer marriage…but I have yet to physically experience a man in this world who has given it all away for me as Dad did for Tammy. No man has ever laid his life down for me and proven his love for me.

I was telling Father over the weekend…I need Christ to make an appearance in some miraculous way here. Some way that knocks me off my feet and renders me speechless. I need Him to make my head spin. Blow my mind in every possible way it can be blown.

Honestly, I need delivered. It is the story of the maiden who needs her knight to rescue the damsel in distress.

I can’t make that happen. Out of my control. I can’t make a man magically appear in front of me. Can’t make money appear out of thin air. Can’t make a home available for me to live in. A quiet place where I can actually think to create and work.

This ole gal can’t meet any of the needs for myself that a husband was created and designed to meet for me.

Christ

I told Father this weekend…I need action. Words will no longer do for me. If you aren’t going to bring me action now…I am going to have to make it happen myself by getting a job in this world and shutting it all down permanently. Crystal is done. Done all I can do. Not doing anymore in this saga.

After wrestling with this…while standing at the concert last night, it became Crystal Clear to me. I need Christ. I need a husband. A provider. A protector. A partner in this life.

He created a man and a woman to be paired up for many purposes. I get that.

The truth is…I need to experience Christ…physically. I need Him to meet my daily physical needs. It isn’t good enough for me to see Christ or to hear words of Christ. I need to physically experience Him in my life in real-time. Christ I can feel touching me…my body. I need Him in my life physically.

I have physical needs in this world. If Father isn’t going to meet those physical needs for me now, I am going to meet them myself. There are no other options available to me.

I came to the end of this. Came to the knowledge of the truth in my heart and in my head. Have yet to experience Him.

A Way Out

Out of obedience, I am publishing this post. Father has yet to wow me in some miraculous way that makes me a happy woman, so my expectations are zero here.

That being said…if anyone outside of family is reading this…if you come back and the blog is gone. You will know the end of the story. It is time for the promises to be fulfilled or for me to make a way for myself.

The truth is…I can no longer carry the financial debt load I am under. Can no longer live as a homeless woman without a life partner. I need life. A life.

If Christ doesn’t open the way and make action happen…I am taking action steps myself. It is time for me to get out of this story. To make an exit. Exit the production. It is time for me to get out.

My plans are to move out of Evansville, work a job in this world, and disappear from the online world. If you see the blog disappear…you will know I moved out and am working a job somewhere. Never to be seen or heard from again. 🤷‍♀️

There ya go…now ya know.