One of the visions I saw this morning was of a pregnant woman with many adult children on both sides of her and behind her. They were posing for a family photo.
I had no clue what Father was saying to me. Still don’t. Happens on a daily basis. 🤷♀️
He then brought up a couple of situations I have experienced in my past, in conjunction with my personality type…The Advocate. INFJ.
The conversation today has been a peek into a deeper part of who I am as a woman and how that came to be. More insight into myself. It was a reminder for me of the moment in time when I became aware of “The Advocate” in myself. The moment I KNEW who I wanted to be.
Child Abuse
I grew up in a home where we…as a family…were inside of the Christian Religious System. Attended church every time the doors were open. However, life at home was not Christ-centered. I have mentioned that before on this blog.
My dad was abusive. He had serious anger issues. He chose to take his rage out on my younger brother. At times, the volcano would erupt, and the belt came out.
It was hard on me…in many ways. I lived in fear of my dad…never knowing what would set him off. Always tip-toeing hoping he would not blow. When he did, it was paralyzing to me. I felt helpless. As a child, I felt like I had no power or control to make it stop.
My brother was in basketball, and I remember sitting in the gym watching him run down the court with black, blue, and green bruises on his legs. I would think each time…maybe someone will say something this time. Maybe someone will do something for us. Hoping a knight in shining armor would come and rescue us from our situation.
Never happened.
The Day
At about 13 years of age, I would say…maybe I was 12 or 14, but I think I was 13. I spent the weekend at a friend’s house. When I came home, mom told me it had happened again while I was gone and this time…she thought my brother had been killed. He had hit his head on the coffee table and was knocked out.
I remember so clearly that moment in time. My mom was sitting in the chair in the living room, and I was standing in front of her. I was looking down at her.
That moment forever changed the young woman I was and the woman I would later become.
I was enraged inside. For SO MANY REASONS.
Angry that not one adult had the balls big enough to speak up when the bruises on him were obvious.
Enraged at my dad and how he was single-handedly destroying our family and each of us as individuals.
Absolutely disgusted with my mother. I stood there looking down at her and realized I was looking DOWN at her in my heart and mind. It was at that moment in time I KNEW I didn’t want to ever be like her. What I saw was a coward. A weak woman and a woman too lazy to get the job done. She had the power to choose life for my brother and our family, but she was choosing to cower to a bully rather than stand up for what is true and what is right. She had the power to stop the abuse and was too weak, lazy, and cowardly to do the work it took. It was at that moment I lost all respect for my mother.
Toward adults…I lost respect for them as well. I was amazed at how cowardly and self-absorbed the adults around me were. Looked the other way. Said nothing. Absolutely disgusting to me. As a child, I found that repulsive. No one was advocating for our family.
The Warrior
Regarding my dad…it was at that moment in time I no longer was afraid of him. A warrior rose up within me and I decided if no adult had the balls big enough to take him on and stop him…I as a child would do it. I was done. Come Hell or high water…he was going to be stopped. I didn’t know how I would do it…but I just KNEW I would find a way.
Fast forward a short bit of time and I was at a school. I can’t remember if it was a band contest or an away basketball game I was attending. I just remember it wasn’t my school. On the back side of the door in the bathroom stall was a piece of paper taped up. It was a child abuse hotline paper with these little numbers at the bottom of the page. You could rip one of the numbers off and take it with you. Such a brilliant idea to put those in a private stall for a child.
I took it. Elated, I knew this was the way.
The next time I was home alone with my dad, I walked up to him…face to face. I wanted him to see my face and I wanted to look him in the eyes. Pulling out that number, I said to him…IF you EVER touch my brother again…I will personally see to it that you rot in prison for what you have done to him. I WILL call this number and I WILL have you arrested.
By the look on his face, I could tell we had our come to Jesus moment. He knew I was not making an idle threat.
He never touched my brother again.
To hear our father/daughter redemption story…go here.
The Advocate
I had become “The Advocate.”
As I have been conversing with Father about this today, I started to become more aware of why I have no respect for those who are cowardly, weak, self-absorbed, and lazy. As a child, I could never understand why the adults around me were so weak in heart and mind. Instead of taking action…they just sit on their asses. Letting important life-changing opportunities go by them. Too afraid.
Even as a child, I was taking in the behaviors of people around me and evaluating right from wrong…in conjunction with what they preached.
I remember coming to the conclusion once…ok…church is a game. A play. I am playing a part. A role. On Sunday morning, I put my dress on and go to church with my family. Dad wears his suit. Mom her dress. Boys dressed up. We sing our songs. We say the right answers in Sunday School class. Then we come home, and we take those clothes off and go back to normal. Cold…dark home.
It was an act. I got it…even as a child. Didn’t like it…but it was our way of life. 🤷♀️
Catalyst
I think my actions with my mom and dad in that situation were a catalyst for me. It started a process for me of being the radical woman I am. Even though at times, I am afraid to do some of the crazy stuff I do following Father…I would rather do those things while being afraid…than not do them at all.
On YouTube, I follow this little family. The mom and dad are snowboarders. They started their daughter snowboarding when she was just a toddler. She also does skateboarding…and bicycling. This little girl’s skills are amazing. Absolutely mind-boggling what she can do on a snowboard. It fascinates me to watch her skills. I have never been on a set of skis and never will. I know my limits. But I sure love watching this little girl go down the mountain.
When she gets scared…she will say to Dad…I am scared. His reply is always the same…what do we do when we are scared. Her response is…we do it anyway.
That is me. Even if I am scared…I obey Father anyway. I am radically obedient because I am radically in love with Him. My radical obedience is evidence of my radical love. That is a fact. I love radically. So much so…that I will do crazy, radical, unbelievable stuff.
You can’t even imagine the unbelievable stuff I have done for Father…out of my unbelievable, crazy love for Him.
I realized today…the people I DO respect…are people who are willing to do RADICAL stuff. Make RADICAL moves…even though it defies logic, and they are afraid.
The young father tells his little girl…I know you are afraid but even when you are afraid do it anyway…man…that is Father. That is exactly how Father has done me for years. I know you are afraid Crystal…but do it while you are afraid. Do it anyway. LOVE ME…that much. Trust me…I will keep you safe.
Being brave doesn’t mean you aren’t afraid…it means you are BRAVE because you are doing it anyway…even in fear. Man…I respect that. I AM that.
Eye-Opening Day
Not sure why He wanted me to share this tidbit today, but I felt led to share. It has been an eye-opening day for me as He and I are digging deep within. Always learning more about myself each day.
Today has been interesting to understand what I do respect and what I don’t respect and why. It is becoming so much clearer to me.
I am a brave woman because even when I am scared…I obey Father out of passionate love for Him. Fear NEVER stops me.
I am a strong woman because when I am scared, and I feel weak…I lean on Him for His strength so I can do what He is asking me to do. Tapping into His strength, I can do all things.
I am a laborer. A hard worker. I work hard for Him every single day…even when some days…I want to quit and give up. I endure and I keep going. I get the job done…no matter what.
Got a lot of respect for myself inside…I became the woman I wanted to be. The woman I decided I wanted to be when I was standing there looking down at my mother at the age of 13.
I AM The Advocate. 🥰