Uncertainty

Uncertainty…a state of being uncertain. The story of my life.

It differs from being insecure.

Let me elaborate.

I am 100% uncertain what this blog post is really about and why I am writing it…BUT…I am 100% secure in the truth that Father is telling me to write it anyway. 😂

For the last few days, this trip to Washington DC with my kids back in 2008 has been a memory Father has been playing on repeat in my mind. It is on a loop. The images are like a slideshow playing in my mind.

I KNOW from experience when images and/or words keep looping, scrolling, and/or floating around in my mind…He wants me to write them down. Anchor them. Once I do that, the words and images stop moving. They settle down and quit annoying me. The constant motion in my mind starts to drive me a little batty. THAT is the point. He wants me to sit down and write. 😜 He will make you uncomfortable until you obey. I have learned to obey quickly so I get out of pain. Rebellion equals pain…mental, emotional, spiritual, social, financial, etc. I call it His vice grips…He puts the squeeze on you to mold you into doing what He needs you to do. Obedience for me…is less painful.

Our Trip

Relatives of mine work in DC. They live in Maryland and commute into the city. They had invited the kids and I to come for a week or so for a visit. We were having a family reunion and my relative was saying…you can follow me back home. She was driving in with the kids. After thinking about it, I decided…why not.

After the reunion was over, we headed to Maryland. She wanted the toddler twins to sleep through the trip, so we drove all night long.

I thought I would NEVER do that again. 😂 There are parts of that trip, I have no recollection of. Seriously. Father got me there safely.

Donovan was my co-pilot.

I have a rule in my vehicle. Whoever is sitting in the passenger seat is in charge of the map, my phone, and assisting me with anything I need while driving. My kids…even as adults answer calls…send and receive texts for me while I am driving.

While driving that night, Donovan would occasionally ask me…Mom…are you awake. I would never have made that trip without my trusted co-pilot that night. He always takes care of his momma. Even when I have told him…he doesn’t need to take care of me…he does. I quit trying to convince him long ago. 🤷‍♀️

VIP

As a teenager, I spent a week to ten days in DC. Because of my own experience in the city, I knew there were things I wanted my kids to see on their trip.

My relative is a planner. She said to me…get me a list of things you want to do while here and I will plan an itinerary. She did. Wow. VIP treatment. It was wonderful.

We would ride into the city with her husband, and he would drop us off at our first location. When he was finishing up with work, he would call and ask us where our pick-up location was. Easy peasy for us. If we had to stow away our bags for a tour…we dropped them off at a trusted friend’s office. It was slick man…so slick. No bags were allowed in the White House. So thankful for having a place to safely store our stuff at while we did our tours.

We went to all the memorials, Arlington, Mount Vernon, Smithsonian, Holocaust Museum, etc.

My favorite view was sitting on a rocking chair at George Washington’s home…Mount Vernon. Sitting there relaxing and staring at the Potomac River…peaceful. So very peaceful. I told the kids…I could live here and stare at this view every day.

Experiences

The worst…Holocaust Museum. WOWSER. I couldn’t finish it. After watching the videos of experiments on the children…I was done. I told the kids…we are done. I can’t do it anymore. On the way home, I was asked how that went for us…I shared my experience. He said…I couldn’t finish it either. Too hard. The silence in that place left me awestruck. Hundreds of people…yet it is almost total silence. 😳 Unbelievable. Heart-wrenching stuff to see.

We attended a Nationals game. I am not into sports…but they had box-seat season tickets. They had something to do that evening, so they handed me the tickets and their parking pass. So…we went. I have never in my life parked just across the entrance before to a stadium. I have been to MANY Cardinal games in my life. We even got an escort to our seats and a woman wiped our seats down for us before we sat down. They weren’t dirty but it was part of the royal treatment. 😂 We enjoyed the game…or maybe it was just the experience. 😍😉

My dad and I shared a love of air shows especially the Blue Angels. I watch their shows anytime I can. Once while in Destin Florida, I announced to the family…we are going to Pensacola Naval Base because I am going to watch the Blue Angels practice on their home turf. I did. Those pictures are for another post.

The second reason…the Seals. Man…they fascinate me. When I was a young woman, I read a series with Navy Seals as the main characters. I was hooked after that. Then I read a book written by a POW from the Vietnam War. My natural brothers both served in the Air Force. Have a friend who served in the Navy and one in the National Guard.

I recently listened to a podcast that was a story of a ship going down in the Bering Sea. Man…it was a very well-done production. It was five episodes telling the story of the ship going down from the survivors’ perspective…and also the Coast Guard rescue pilots and swimmers. I was enthralled. Couldn’t stop listening. It made me appreciate the Coast Guard in a whole new light.

Pieces

Over the last few days, Father has been giving me pieces. He speaks in pieces. One word or phrase here. One image here. One understanding here. He is the puzzle maker, and He gives me one or a few pieces of the puzzle at a time. Slowly filling in the picture He wants me to see. It usually is a theme. It starts clear as mud. Murky. Frustrating.

Then the understanding eventually comes.

Here are some pieces He has been repeating over the last few days.

My Washington DC trips. The White House. The Capitol. Government.

The military. All branches…but mostly the Navy right now.

Justice.

Law.

Justice and law include…but are not limited to…judges, lawyers, trials, cases, sentencing, etc.

Traveling. Trips.

Memories.

Gifts to me.

Coming to a Conclusion

He is drawing me to a conclusion. Not sure what it is yet…but we are narrowing in. I can feel it. I stay in a posture of listening. An open ear. An open heart. An open mind.

One conclusion I have come to…I have been so very blessed by Him over the years. Despite the hardships He has put me through…He has always blessed me with traveling. Trips. Gifts. Allows me to see His creation. Excited about traveling in the future.

Yesterday, I was watching a YouTube flight video…a common occurrence for me. The pilot was flying to Lacrosse Wisconsin. I perked up…I said…I have been there. I flew on a little plane there much like the one he was piloting. Made me smile. 🤩 I remember how fun that flight was. The little airplanes tend to be more fun for me. Not sure why. I feel a bit freer; I think. Like on a motorcycle. You feel like you are part of the wind. Part of nature…not just observing it…but you are experiencing it. An exhilarating experience for me. Maybe it is the free spirit in me. 🤷‍♀️

Another conclusion…more like a suspicion. I think He is getting ready to mobilize His army. Don’t know. May be full of baloney here…but it is something I am suspecting. Force…and military force is one piece of the puzzle I am getting.

Last night, on the way home…He brought up a memory. I felt like I was supposed to share it…but I wasn’t sure. Not sure I wanted to. Apprehensive. Uncertain…so I waited. He had some teaching for me in that experience. It is part of the puzzle. I will share the story…then what He said. It is pertinent.

My Story

Years ago, I had to get an OP. I lived in the woods secluded from neighbors. It wasn’t my idea; I was finally forced into it by friends and family who were concerned for the kids and I. To me…making that decision and going through with it…made me feel like trash. I had held off as long as I could…avoiding dealing with the issue at hand.

It didn’t help matters. It only changed the dynamics of what I was dealing with. It went from one person to a gang of people. Kind of spreading the love so to speak. 😉

During this time, I developed PTSD. Severe insomnia issues. In my mind, I couldn’t fall asleep. I had to stay vigilant. On duty at all times. I could have moved to a new location, but I tend to be an immovable mountain when you start to push me. I wasn’t budging. Father said to stand…so I stood. My obedience to Him…cost me my health.

The nights were the worst.

One morning around 1 or 2 am, I was sitting up in bed reading in my T-shirt and underwear. I kept my Browning Bible right beside me on my nightstand. I never knew if I would need to preach a sermon from it so I kept it handy in case. All of a sudden, Donovan comes running into my room in sheer terror. I will never forget the pitch of his voice that night. I have never seen him that scared before…or since…and I have gone through two ATV accidents with him. One of them could have taken his life. The boy has experienced trauma. But…that night…the shrillness of his voice…sent chills through my body. He was crying and screaming…their back Mom…their back.

Sermon Time

Now, this is around February I believe. It was cold out. Not weather for shorts. I had kept my shorts on the floor beside the bed.

When I heard his voice and saw the terror on my son’s face…MAMA Grizzly Bear had just awoken from a state of hibernation. I slipped my shorts on and I knew this moment was the moment those men needed to hear a sermon preached by me from my Browning Bible. Edition #22. Grabbing my bible…I decided…tonight we were going to have our come to Jesus moment.

We did. Those two men became believers in the early morning hours of that cold day.

I ended my sermon with a message for them. I felt like they needed to go and make disciples also. Encouraging them to proselytize their leader and the other members of their gang, I shared this with them. Two reminders…they are not only harassing a lady…they are harassing three young children. This mama bear doesn’t take kindly to child endangerment. The other reminder…I had a safe in my basement with around 40 other bibles of various versions and all the accessories needed to preach that word. If I needed to do a reload…I had all the equipment to make sure I had plenty to take care of business.

Things settled down a might after our come to Jesus moment. I believe the messages were conveyed up the chain.

Lessons

When Father and I were discussing this event last night, He reminded me hard-hearted, rebellious people learn their lessons the hard way. By force.

Sometimes, He has to get their attention through harsh consequences. Pain. Suffering. Sentencing. Execution.

Just as I had been patient many times, He has been patient many times waiting for people to come to repentance. To get to a place where they will WILLINGLY and voluntarily bow their hearts to the law. Of this land…and His law in His Kingdom.

There is a natural law which is a picture of His spiritual law. We exist in two realms 24/7. The seen realm and the unseen realm.

When man refuses to bow to His law…consequences must take place at some point in time. He decides that time. As the judge, He also decides the sentencing.

I think He is working up to a time when we will see justice in this land. Evildoers being exposed for who they are. His government trumping man’s.

I could be wrong…but I feel that is the picture all these pieces are starting to build.

Clarity

Father and I have been discussing lately the truth of punishment. Death. Justice. The reality of Hell. People spending their eternity there. How that has felt for me. Seeing that. Knowing that truth.

It has made for some interesting conversations between the two of us. I am getting clarity about justice. Seeing the importance of it. Getting the truth of the emotional aspects of watching people who are going to be sentenced to Hell. Immeasurable pain and suffering for eternity. It has been hard to grasp some days when I know it is so unnecessary for those people. They could have chosen differently. Hard to watch. Hard to know the suffering they will experience.

It makes me thankful for the gift of life. Him. The way out. The way out of pain. Cruelty.

Even when I am uncertain why Father is asking me to do something…I obey. It is a life-or-death decision. Every single time. Disobedience is death. I choose obedience because I want life. Eternally…not just here. I want to live my best life in Heaven…that means I have to live like no one else here now.

Truly…not only is it a life-or-death decision for me…it may be also one for the person I am interacting with. I never know how my obedience impacts another human being. My obedience may lead someone into Heaven. I must obey. Disobedience doesn’t just cost you…it costs all the people around you. It is the domino effect. Snowballing down the mountain.

Hoping my obedience in writing this blog post out can be a positive example for the reader. Even when I don’t understand why…I do. I obey anyway. Clarity will come eventually. 😉

I highly encourage obedience…to Father’s law. It always trumps man’s law. Justice from Him…far greater than anything man can bring about in this land.

Something to think about.