I am almost giddy writing this post. Not even kidding.
Over the last few weeks, I have been noticing changes within…unsure of what was happening to me.
I understand now what is taking place…at least to some degree. We only see in part, right…so I only understand part of what is going on.
It is like a caterpillar that is changing into a beautiful butterfly while inside the chrysalis. On a side note…the kids and I once got the privilege of having a caterpillar who emerged as a butterfly. Watching it come out and wait for its wings to dry was SO COOL!!!!!!! NATURE IS AWESOME!!!!! 🥰
It feels like every one of my senses is hypersensitive now. Strangely so. I am keenly aware of little details happening around me and also how those details are affecting me inside. It is really odd to experience.
Last weekend our family went to Bru Burger, a local bar/grill for Bobbi and Mitchell’s wedding reception. While there, I was having the time of my life. I was surrounded by young people I dearly love. In addition, I was getting to interact with some that I have only gotten to talk to online and over the phone before. I was spending time developing bonds with people for my future. People I have chosen to bring into my life. Wonderful!
I remember sitting there being completely aware of how much fun I was having and how happy I am in my life now. In fact, I said out loud to them…I love being single. I am enjoying every moment of it.
Fast Forward
Then the last few nights when walking Tonto, I have noticed how free I am. It is the honeysuckle I wrote about before. As I stand there and smell the honeysuckle, I realize I can. I have the freedom to take late-night walks. My dog is mostly off the leash because no one else in our neighborhood is out. They are all in bed. Here we are…the two of us…walking freely together lost in our own thoughts…with no leashes…no constraints.
Holy Smackonoly!!!!!
I am telling you…it is bliss. Absolutely blissful to me in every possible way.
Someone Like You
This morning I woke up to Father serenading me with the song by Adele…Someone Like You. Wondering what He was saying…I hit reverse in my mind and replayed a few dreams I had before I awoke. In those dreams, the enemy was trying to seduce me.
After spending some time processing, I called Vanessa who is my confidant, my accountability partner, my assistant processor, my best friend, my lady-in-waiting, my sister in Christ, my daughter, etc. She listens and then gives me the appropriate feedback in her responses. I wouldn’t be me without her. She is a warrior…her strength is AMAZING. You mess with her…she will shred you…in such a righteous way. Can I just say…she is incredible? You can’t convince me otherwise. Her heart…incomparable.
The reason I called Vanessa was this…I had come to a conclusion, but I wanted verification…and validation OR for her to see any red flags I was missing and refute/rebut my conclusion. If I was in error, I wanted her to point it out. For me…I don’t want to be misled and carried away by lies…deception. Not a fan of deception…I stand on and walk by truth instead. I needed confirmation my conclusion was from Father…instead of the enemy trying to seduce me into believing lies. Discernment…right…we are to test everything. This was her checking my discernment work.
No red Flags
After I laid it all out for her…she confirmed…yep…that is Father. No red flags. Oftentimes, Vanessa will get visions from Father as I speak to confirm or deny what I am saying. So helpful. Also, most of the time when I am laying it all out for Vanessa, Father will speak to me. He guides me as I talk to her.
This morning was no exception, by the time I was through sharing it all with her, I was bawling like a baby. It was funny because she always has me on speakerphone, and I could hear my granddaughter. She asked…mommy…is Grandma crying? Ahnalaya Ann had concern in her little voice. I laughed and said…oh honey…yes Grandma is crying but they are tears of joy. Grandma is so happy.
My Conclusion
I am not sure what to call it…a conclusion…an epiphany…a realization of a powerful truth Father has given me. Coming to an awareness of what I have been feeling over the last few weeks. Putting words in my mind to what I have known in my heart.
Here it is…
Father has given me the GIFT of singleness. Aloneness. NOT just physically but also in my heart and my mind. He has unyoked me from all others…all things…and given me LIFE.
No human being can understand the brevity of what I am saying here. So many facets to this I can’t even share or even begin to explain…but I will try to share some pieces of this ginormous puzzle.
This is a dream come true for me.
He is finally giving me MY dreams. Things I have wanted, longed for, and craved for SO VERY LONG.
He is meeting the needs of MY heart cries. To enjoy MY freedom.
Mind-boggling to me…it feels SO GOOD.
Servitude
For 30 years, He has had me yoked to a man…as in a husband but also man as in mankind. People. I have been His servant for 30 years and as a result…I have been serving Him by serving people. Putting Him first in my life. Above me. Dying to my wants, dreams, and desires for 30 years to give HIM life. To bring life to the people He called me to.
The last five years have been so difficult for me. It utterly destroyed me…my entire life. It purified every single relationship I had. Only the strongest of my relationships came through the fire with me. Most were sacrificed in the purifying fire. Only the strong can handle the fire I have been living in for so long. The closer you get to Father and me…the hotter the fire gets…the more purified you must be to be in a close relationship with us. It takes His strength…not a man’s fleshly strength. Man is weak. He is strong. HE IS strength.
To be in a relationship with me…you must utilize His strength to withstand the truths I speak and live out daily. As a result…I have lost many relationships. Their loss…my gain. If you can’t take the heat…get out of the fire. If you don’t value the truth…stay away from me. The truth will stretch you, grow you, and kill you at times. Super painful to hear when you need to change your beliefs, behavior, core values, etc.
The Fire
It is like when King Nebuchadnezzar sent Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego into the fire AFTER having it heated up seven times hotter than before. Those who threw the men into the fire were burnt…just getting close to it. Yet Father’s servants lived through the purification fire…AND came out of the fire NOT smelling like smoke. I have always said…this is me. I don’t smell like the smoke and ashes I should smell like.
This story…a true-life story…is a picture of HIS purification fires which He brings to His children to mature them. To burn up the dross inside of their hearts and minds. Their inner men…both the soul man and the spirit man. We need those fires to clean the unclean. The shower to wash away the filthy lies in our hearts and minds about ourselves…others…and the situations around us.
A Break…Period
I needed this break. I needed the rest. My time. I needed to get me back but also, I needed to stop serving others and serve myself instead. Becoming weary from it all, I was at the point of giving up. Throwing the whole thing out…Father included.
It is uncanny how He works. Bringing Christian back into my life at this time is His work. A work of His Spirit. Christian knows nothing about my situation yet the words he is speaking to me are directly related to my situation. The puzzle pieces fit so well. He was saying the other day…my example of never giving up inspires him to keep trying. I don’t ever remember sharing my struggles with him…and he hasn’t been in my life when I was considering quitting Father.
He stopped in at my work last night as a wonderful surprise…hugging me when he came in and again when he left. Tonight, we are hanging out on my night off. I am super excited to catch up and hear where his heart is at. He is seeing visions from Father. I want to learn more about what is going on with him.
He asked me a couple of days ago…does authoritarian mean anything to you? I keep hearing that. Father has put me on his mind so much and he prays for me each time. Ummm…yes…authoritarian certainly has meaning to me…and this situation.
So encouraging. So refreshing. I NEEDED Christian at this time in my life. He is a gift sent from Heaven. The plan is to savor every second of him. Every moment. Every word. Every text. Every phone call. Every smile. All of him.
Uniquely Me
This morning as I was listening to the words of the song Someone Like Me by Adele, I said…there is NO ONE like me…ever. No human being would do the things I have done for Father. No one else would suffer and endure that suffering for Him as I have. Not to the depth. Not to the degree. Not to the extent. Not in that intensity of pain He put me through. Not for the length of time, He forced me to linger in.
As I put some of the puzzle pieces together this morning, I realized…He is finally giving me the space I have needed, begged for, and wanted. He is respecting my boundaries and allowing me to have a say in this relationship. AND…He is finally elevating me. He has begun the process of mending my heart…my relationship with Him.
Anger
I have been so angry with Him for the last five years as He has forced me into a situation, I was in disagreement with Him about.
Now my heart can begin to heal. I need that.
To me, it feels like for the first time in my life, I am beginning to believe He cares about my heart. The needs of my heart. The desires of my heart. The wants in my heart. He is finally hearing the cries of my heart.
I used to say…I will never get remarried again. Never. I had a lot of reasons for that. Some years ago, He spanked me for making that vow and I had to renounce it. You see, that is not letting Him direct my life. I had to surrender every decision to Him. Let Christ BE LORD of my life. The Governor of my life…not my flesh.
Now…today…I am saying to Him…IF I ever CHOOSE to remarry…it will be because he EARNED the right…the privilege to be IN MY LIFE…and to BE MY husband. To be MY husband…is a privilege. To be in MY life is a right you earn…it is a privilege when I choose to allow you in. You MUST earn the right to be here. You must show me you are worthy. If you can’t…you don’t get a place here. That is how it works for me.
Earning the Privilege
You see…I have kicked out of my life every single person that brings death to me in any way. My boundaries are super clear and rock-solid firm now. I used to say all the time, I have a high pain tolerance. I had all my babies naturally without the use of an epidural. I know pain and I know how to endure through it…very well. BUT…I came to a point in my life recently that I made a firm decision…if someone in my world brings pain, death, and suffering to me…they are out. I will no longer tolerate certain things…pain is one of them. I have ZERO tolerance for pain today. None.
Another trait is negativity. Lately, many people have commented to me about how positive of a person I am. Now that I am out in the world again, I am interacting with people. I had forgotten that people actually do see me. It has been rather encouraging to hear their comments about me. They are always super positive.
My boss calls me every night to check on me. She worries over me. Last night on our nightly call, she said to me…I have never heard a complaint about you. No one complains about you.
Wow…Ok.
Do you know how rare that is in this society? I do. That is a huge sign and a huge compliment.
Flower Child
My nickname at work is Flower Child. They say I am chill, peaceful, fun, funny, relaxed, and I don’t get worked up about things. Those are true statements. I am super easy to get along with…as long as you don’t bring drama, trauma, and strife into my inner circle. If you keep your issues on your side of the fence and don’t drag me down into your pigpen…we are golden. You try and take me down into your shitty mess…you are going to experience me taking a wrecking ball to my connection with you.
Case in Point
We have one employee whom I refuse to work with. I told the boss; I will do whatever it takes to keep you from scheduling Miss Humpty Dumpty and I together. I will come in early, and I will stay late doing her work…just don’t ever schedule the two of us together again. Her response was quick, she immediately told the woman to go home, called someone else in, and told me…I will not lose a good crew member like you over someone like her.
Now we are talking! She got my attention. Immediate and positive reaction to what was brewing in me. She knew I was going to move on if I had to continue to work with this particular employee. Three times…a total of 12 hours was more than enough for me in this lifetime to discern I was better off working alone than working WITH her.
Such a great example of relationships in life…some people you are better off WITHOUT them than to be in a relationship WITH them. Think about that. Powerful truths are there if you see them. The loss of them in your life is THEIR loss…and YOUR gain.
My boss is a person WHO SEES MY value and worth…which is why I STAY with her even though I could go somewhere else and make more money. She gets it. She gets me. My boss bends over backward to meet my needs…and to make me a happy employee. Every single day, she tells me how much she appreciates me…my work ethic, my dependability, etc.
Miss Humpty Dumpty
This employee is called Miss Humpty Dumpty because she had a great fall, and no one can put her back together again. The damage is far too great. Too many issues to type up…but just imagine a co-worker who refuses to be a team player, complains incessantly, and feeds on constant drama. She is like Pigpen on Charlie Brown…she lives in a tornado of filth…24/7. I say it this way too…every single time she opens her mouth…I see vomit. She is vomiting…if her mouth is open. All toxicity coming out of there. She is sick and I see it coming out of her when she speaks. So gross to see.
I am not trying to be Debbie Downer here about her…I am stating truths. Facts. Reality. Is there hope for her in Christ??? Well…yes and no. She already claims Christ. We have conflicting signs here…drugs, alcohol, lies, drama, etc…while we are listening to Christian music and claiming Christ. Idk. Not for me to decide…just for me to exercise clear boundaries when necessary. When a team member refuses to understand what the phrase team member means and how that is applied practically…then I must make my own choices about the situation…which I have done…and Crystal was indeed very clear about it. As always.
Negativity
Negativity includes negative character traits…like drama, trauma, strife, lying, manipulation, etc. I have zero tolerance for this kind of behavior in my inner circle. Daily, I have to interact with liars, manipulators, etc. but they are not in my inner circle. They don’t get the privilege of being close to me and intimate with me. There are boundary lines I don’t allow people to cross.
If someone wants to be in my life, they must EARN that privilege. They must earn the right to be in my heart, my life, my world, and my inner circle. I am worth the work they must do…to be here. If they do the work and prove themselves worthy…I will open the door and give them a place and space in my life…if not…the door remains closed.
Valuing Self
You may think that sounds arrogant and for some saying that…it may be. It depends on what is in your heart…arrogance or humility.
In my heart, it is humility coupled with the knowledge and understanding of truth. I have value. My value and worth are priceless. That is a rock-solid truth I can stand firmly on. It comes from Heaven above.
I have been saying to Father for the last five years, I have more value and worth than to be treated like this. His response…the first will be last…the last will be first. In His Kingdom, to be elevated by Him…you must first be the lowest of the lows. He elevates those He chooses…in His time frame…not man’s.
At least, He and I are now in a place of unity about the timing.
Marriage
I was saying to Him earlier…IF I CHOOSE to remarry someday…then HE must PROVE HIMSELF worthy of me. He must woo me. Pursue me. He must chase me down and convince me HE is worthy of my heart.
For me…I have yet to meet a man who is worthy of me.
My first husband, I chose out of my flesh. The flesh never makes a wise decision. It always opposes the Spirit and builds on the sand instead of the rock. Learned from that mistake so I let Father be in charge.
My second husband, Father chose for me. That relationship was a picture of the Old Covenant so I could learn experientially what the Old Covenant was all about. Not a super fan of the Old Covenant from the heart perspective. I GOT it…but NOT a fan. 🤨
So far…I haven’t been impressed with most of the male gender. Most of them lead with their penis. Lust drives them to whatever female will spread their legs for them. I always feel like Shania Twain in the song…That Don’t Impress Me Much. That song is an anthem for me about the male gender. I have yet to be impressed by a man. Most of them are man-children. A man-child. Immature and selfish. All about them. They are so selfish they refuse to lay their lives down for the woman they profess to love. They are supposed to love their wives like Christ did…right? Die for her to prove to her how much he loves her. Show her…HE KNOWS her value and worth are FAR greater than his own.
Impressive
What is impressive to me is the fact Christ left Heaven to come here and die for me. What else do I need? Like…I got it. I am worth that much to Him. See? What can a mere mortal man do for me that will impress my heart over that act of love? I mean seriously…would you leave Heaven to come to this place and die for these people????? Would you die for the serial rapists, serial killers, pedophiles, sex slave traders, etc?
Would you die for them?
Then would you leave your throne in Heaven to come here TO DIE FOR THEM?
Come to this filthy place and interact with them all?
Wow…come on. I can’t imagine that kind of love from a man who would give that up for 33 years, be confined…chained inside of this fleshly vessel, and then be slaughtered for the very people that slaughtered Him. AND He kept his penis in His pants! For 33 years as a MAN!!!
NOW THAT IMPRESSES ME. 🤯
Standards
I have standards see? Christ earned the right to my heart. I believe Him when He says He loves me. He already proved it to me. I believe Him when He says to me that He KNOWS my value and worth. Yep…gotcha. You do. I trust Him when He speaks to me. He proved His character to me. I see He is an honest man. I see He lives with integrity. He treats women with honor and respect. Not out there exposing his thoughts and feelings towards women…grossly gawking at T&A…making lewd comments…devaluing women.
I see Christ is a man…a mature one. I have seen and tasted His manhood, and I like what I see. Very attractive to me. A humble man, He is.
Every trait I value in a human being…He has already displayed and exhibited. Yep…He is the MAN for me. I am good. Super impressed. Totally on board. 100% committed to Him. He is the man of my dreams. Ok…sold. We are good. Moving on. What fleshly man can top that? 🤷♀️
The Beginning
I realized this morning, in giving me the desires of my heart by unyoking me from all things and all people in my heart and mind…not just physically…Father does care about my heart. He does love me. I am so touched by Him today…in my heart. It is a heart touch. So gentle. So tender. So sweet. A very tiny small touch…but a beginning touch.
I needed this to forgive Him for what He has put me through the last five years. I needed the repairs done to my heart and our relationship. I needed Him to step down and elevate me. To show me some care, compassion, kindness, gentleness, and love.
I realize now…we are at the beginning of that place for me. Restoration and repair. Repairing the damages, He has done to my heart…that He has done to our relationship. A place to build trust again maybe. Idk. It is a starting point for the two of us. I have a very small seed of hope in my heart that He and I can maybe work together again.
It feels good…and I see the lights are on again now. The dreary days are gone, and the sun/SON is shining down on me again. The storm has finally passed, and I can move out into the SONlight and warm back up. I always say I am like a reptile that needs to sun(SON) bathe to get warm.
I believe Father is showing me He will earn the right/privilege to be in my heart/my life again…for I had pushed Him out. Kicked Him to the curb.
I see the sun/SON and my future looks bright again.
I am uniquely me…and from this day forward…I am committed to serving my heart. That is a GIFT…from HIM…to ME.
I am singing Happy BIRTHday to ME. LIFE! A new birth of me. A transformation from the caterpillar to the beautiful purple butterfly I AM. From the commoner position, He lowered me too…to my position of ROYALTY.